


Strangers

by SosaLola



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Kid Fic, POV Buffy Summers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-01-10 05:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 75,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1155932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SosaLola/pseuds/SosaLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grief pushes Buffy to do something really stupid. Now she has to deal with the consequences. Things get more complicated when she discovers that Spike is no longer dead.</p><p>Starts in the eighth of February 2005. Buffy, Xander and their Slayers are living in a castle in Scotland.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Strangers

 **Pairing:** Buffy/Spike, Buffy/Other

 **Setting:** Starts in the eighth of February 2005. Buffy, Xander and their Slayers are living in a castle in Scotland.

 **Spoilers:** All seasons of BtVS, including S8. All seasons of AtS, including _Angel: After the Fall_. This is pre- _The Long Way Home_ , first arc of S8 and post-Angel: After the Fall.

 **Notes:** 1) Buffy's POV throughout. This fic is pretty much Buffy-centric.  
2) I'm pushing the events of S8 to the end of 2005 instead of 2004. So, _The Long Way Home_ starts in the end of 2005.

 **Summary:** Grief pushes Buffy to do something really stupid. Now she has to deal with the consequences. Things get more complicated when she discovers that Spike is no longer dead.

~*~*~*~

 

 

** Chapter One: **

 

 

 

 

Her sneakers squeaked with each step Buffy took on the solid rock floor, their sound echoing throughout the empty stone-walled halls of the castle. Her eyes darted from one passing window to another, catching a glimpse of the small, lit buildings in the city of Edinburgh. She caught her breath when she reached his door, undecided whether she had the courage to knock. One hand touched her stomach lightly before it recoiled with dismay. Sighing, she knocked on the door and waited, noting her raging heartbeat.

The door opened, sending a cool whiff of air that made her quiver slightly under her light shirt. She hugged herself in an attempt to bring warmth to her shivering body, scolding herself for not wearing a sweater over her cotton shirt. The castle had always been cold on the inside; especially the halls, which weren't supported with a heater or a fireplace.

She was greeted with his grinning face, his mouth opening to invite her in when she blurted out in haste, "I'm pregnant."

It had always worked this way on TV, with the pregnant girlfriend knocking on the door and the clueless boyfriend opening the door with a very happy "I'm glad to see you" smile. And just like that, she would break the news, causing several groans from viewers who were sick and tired of pregnancy storylines.

Even though they weren't actually boyfriend and girlfriend, Buffy had thoroughly considered all possible ways to break the news. She thought about the cell phone, but it felt tacky. She thought about leaving a note, but that jumped right from tacky to cliché. However, the real reason she vetoed all these ideas was because she knew she had to tell him face to face and that was the scariest part of the whole thing, because that way she would actually see his reaction.

On TV, soon-to-be-fathers reacted in different ways. Some kept staring at the girlfriend, probably pondering why the hell they answered the door. Some would fall into clear denial. Some would break out nervous jokes. Some would simply faint.

Xander's reaction was a little original.

"So, that makes you the first pregnant Slayer?" he asked in wonderment.

Buffy blinked.

He smiled. "Look, why don't you come in and I'll make us something to drink."

Buffy nodded like a zombie and walked inside his room, enjoying the heat coming from the rising flames in his fireplace. Before Xander closed the door behind her, she turned around. "I think Wood's mother was the first pregnant Slayer," she pointed out.

Xander cocked his head to the side. "Was she called before or after she gave birth?"

Buffy shrugged. "Never asked."

"Then, so far, by my knowledge, it's you." He flashed another smile and closed the door.

~*~*~*~

While Xander's reaction didn't revert to the cliché, the aftermath definitely wasn't original. His leg was shaking hard, his hand kept stroking his eye patch, and his soda remained untouched. He hardly made eye contact, and when he did, he would smile broadly at her. She would return it and then they would look elsewhere.

She sighed and stared at the television, where he was watching old reruns of _Friends_. Ironically, it was the one where Phoebe made Rachel take the pregnancy test again at Chandler and Monica's wedding to make sure she was really pregnant. Buffy's mind wandered to the last couple of days when she had been having this weird feeling of nausea. Her breasts had been feeling tender lately, and that had freaked her out. She had escaped into town to the first pharmacy she had found and bought five different brands of pregnancy tests. All results were positive.

"So…" Xander's nervous voice brought her out of the recent memories. She looked at him attentively. "Uh, should I be getting down on one knee…"

He didn't finish, because Buffy looked at him with a raised eyebrow, head tilted to the side.

"I'm serious." He laughed tensely. "I just… I want us to do the right thing."

"There are more options to the right thing since the fifties, Xander," Buffy said, dismissing the idea of marriage completely. "Don't worry, we'll figure it out," she said, reassuring him and herself even more.

"And I thought we were finally starting to forget _that_ drunken incident."

"Yeah," Buffy mumbled. Her hand subconsciously touched her stomach. "This whole… pregnancy thing brings it all back, huh?"

"Buffy," Xander quietly pleaded, "I don't want things to get weird again."

"Well, I'm pregnant, so things are definitely gonna be weird," Buffy said with a shaky laugh. Her swollen breasts felt sorer by the second.

"You know what I mean." He looked down at his hand.

Buffy stared at him sympathetically and inwardly wished flying monkeys on Andrew's white hairy ass, not that she knew what his ass looked like. She saved another dozen flying monkeys for his damn tape as well. That tape not only showed Andrew making fun of her speeches, but it was, ironically, mostly filled with shots of Spike and Anya. Buffy was quite surprised Andrew had the sense in all the chaos to bother to salvage that tape, unless he hadn't parted with it in the first place.

How dare he send a copy for Buffy's birthday when she had finally been on the verge of moving on? She was happily seeing this nice guy, Victor, who worked in the same company as Monique, Xander's ex. Things had gotten really complicated after she and Xander watched the tape together. Alone. Very late at night. With lots of beer.

Buffy had called Victor the next day to cancel their date, seeing as she still had not moved on. Her tight friendship with Xander was estranged for a whole week. Buffy had considered flying to Rome to give Andrew his due, though she was stopped short by Xander standing in front of her door with two tickets to a nearby amusement park. Things had worked out just right that day. And Buffy forgot about Andrew.

But now.

"I need one ticket to Rome."

"You're not kicking Andrew's butt." Xander sighed.

"Oh, no butt. I was thinking more like testicles."

Xander grimaced. "Look, if you don't want this baby, there's always the other option."

Buffy looked at him. "Are you serious?" She tried her hardest to divine his feelings, whether he wanted this baby or not. She tried to understand his opinion from his face as well as paying more attention to his voice, but all she got was a big blank hole.

"Whatever you want."

"What about what you want? It's your kid, too."

Xander stared at her for a while, and then looked away with a shrug. Oh, no. He was not going to leave her alone in this. He was going to decide, and she was going to take his decision into consideration before she made hers. They made the mess together and they were going to clean it up together.

She held his hand and squeezed it a little hard. He winced. She wasn't sorry.

"I-I… was thinking…" he stuttered and she loosened her grip."Maybe we could… um, keep it?"

Buffy straightened, looking at him carefully now. "You want to keep the baby?"

"I'm not pressuring you into agreeing, though," he said quickly. "After all, you're the one who's gonna suffer the most throughout the next nine months."

Buffy pursed her lips. "I sure am."

Being pregnant would mean she had to endure all sorts of disgusting suffering. Mood swings and morning sickness and giving up beer and maybe caffeine. Dealing with a large tummy and the fact that she might never get her flat stomach back. She would be stuck in a room eating healthy junk, away from any and all disturbances, including slaying.

Not being pregnant would mean Slayer Buffy, the hero, the leader, the ma'am. A strong fighter with a fit body and pretty clothes. The only thing pregnancy would allow her to do was researching and that was the least enjoyable part of her slaying life.

"So, this is the point where we jump for joy and yell the sentence."

Xander looked surprised. "We're keeping it?"

Buffy shrugged, still keeping the nonchalant attitude. But then, when she witnessed the expanding goofy smile on Xander's face, she couldn't help but smile herself.

"We're gonna have a baby," Xander exclaimed in mock joy.

"Ain't that a hoot?" Buffy said with an exaggerated beam.

As they role-played a scene from _Father of the Bride II_ , both of them knew that the smile on the other's face was real and genuine.

~*~*~*~

"You and Xander? A baby? For reals?" Dawn's voice drifted to Buffy's ear filled with excitement and surprise.

Before Buffy could answer there was a bang on the other line.

"Are you okay, Kenny?" Dawn called, and there was another bang. Buffy heard a muffled voice, which probably held Kenny's reply. "Just make sure not to touch the candles!" Dawn yelled, before her voice lowered as she spoke to Buffy again. "You're gonna have a baby?" There was a little squeal in the end.

"You let your boyfriend into your dorm room?" Buffy went for spontaneous.

"Are you being protective?" Damn. Dawn had grown a hell of a lot smarter after she left for college.

"No." Buffy tried to muster an innocent tone as well as possible. "It was just a random question."

There came the hated snort. "Relax. He just needed the bathroom."

"Oh." Buffy didn't believe a word. "And that thing with the candles in the bathroom… was that just a coincidence?"

"Those are my roommate's. She's planning to have sex tonight." There was a pause. "You do know I already had sex, right?"

"Just… just drop it, Dawn, okay?" Things had been different. As always. But Dawn leaving for college was number one on the list of weird, because Buffy was used to living with her, especially after the collapse of Sunnydale. However, Sunnydale was gone, and Dawn was growing more different with each passing day. She became more confident, more independent, and taller, if that was even possible. She became more of a friend than a helpless little sister.

The changes in Dawn weren't all positive. She was eighteen. A beautiful, eighteen-year-old college girl. Someone who attracted horny college boys. A while ago, Dawn had met this 'cutie hunk' who asked her on a date, and Dawn had informed her that they were going to take things slow. Slow had proved to be unhealthy for the relationship, because suddenly Dawn had doubts and new attractions; the only good part about Buffy's estrangement with Xander that week was that phone call she'd had with Dawn before she went to the party that would have wrecked her life.

After that night, Dawn's relationship with Kenny had developed too fast for Buffy's liking; they started to have sex. A lot, according to Dawn. It was hard to accept that fact, and Buffy wanted to vent at someone who shared her feelings on the subject. The only close friend she had in Edinburgh was Xander, so she had told him, expecting similar protectiveness, but unfortunately for her, Xander's days of over-protectiveness had died with Sunnydale.

"Whatever," Dawn said. "It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't butted in my life."

"And good thing I did. God knows what a pissed off Thricewise would do."

"He's not… okay, I'm all in favor for the dropping it. Anyway, back to you. Pregnant? That's huge!"

"Yeah, I never thought it would… "

"Me, too. So, did I miss something? When did you and Xander start dating?"

"Who said anything about dating?"

"You mean you aren't? I just assumed with you being pregnant and you guys seemed to be getting closer. It felt like a matter of time before you two started having a thing."

"Stop that train of thought. We don't have a thing. We were just two grieving friends who sought comfort in each other." Buffy could tell that Dawn was rolling her eyes, and thought it would be followed with a 'Yeah, right.'

Thankfully, Dawn decided to ask a question. "So, how did it happen?"

"You know how a baby happens."

"Not the baby, idiot, the sex. I thought you and Xander were done with the grieving thing. And wasn't Xander dating Monique?"

"Well, that was sort of how it happened." Buffy didn't even point out that Xander was dateless at her birthday party, seeing as Dawn was more interested in locking lips with Kenny that night to notice anything else. Even poor Victor didn't get to properly introduce himself to Buffy's sister. Buffy had been surprised that Victor still showed up when it had been only three days after Xander's break-up with Monique. "She found out that Xander still kept Anya's duffle bag," Buffy explained the reason for said break-up.

"The one with her stuff from when we escaped Sunnydale?" Dawn's voice sounded concerned.

"Yeah. It didn't help that he still went through her stuff from time to time, but that wasn't the real problem. Anya had saved a couple of the wedding invitations, and Monique found them in Xander's nightstand." Buffy still envied Xander for having something to remember Anya by. Spike didn't need to take anything when they had left the house. His duster, lighter and pack of cigarettes were the only things he'd bothered to take, all gone with him.

Then again, maybe it wasn't something worth envying, after all. Monique had been a great catch, a twenty-something Slayer who preferred to stay away from the mess that was their life and kept living like a normal person. Their relationship had been ruined because of the duffle bag of memories. If Buffy had something of Spike's, moving on would be much harder than it already was. And she needed to go on with her life.

"So, Monique dumped Xander because he still kept the wedding invitations, and you just comforted him with sex?"

"No," Buffy denied. "I comforted him the traditional way. Ice cream."

"Cut to the chase," Dawn said, bored.

"Getting there. Remember my birthday party? Andrew got me a tape as a gift. You know, it's the one he filmed in Sunnydale about us. Of course, the tape has Anya, and because Xander is still hung up on her, and was too drunk and, well, too sad, and then… you see."

"So, this mourning sex… it was about Xander grieving Anya?"

"Yep."

"And you were generous enough to boink him?"

"The too-drunk thing was mutual."

"Uh-huh. Was the grieving thing mutual as well?"

"Well, I was sad we lost Anya…"

"Oh, you know who I'm talking about! But since you'd rather share your feelings with a guy than your sister, I think I'll just…"

"Should I remind you of the deal?" Buffy cut her off pointedly. She was supposed to drop the overprotective act if Dawn stopped asking Buffy to open up. Dawn had taken joy out of reminding her of their deal whenever Buffy broke the rules, which was a lot. Now it was Buffy's turn to put Dawn in her shoes.

"Right," Dawn replied. "So, how will you raise the baby?"

"I'm twenty-four. And a Slayer. I've got a lot of experience under my belt."

"Yep, but not about kids."

"Don't you think I've managed well with you?"

"Weeeeell…"

"I said 'well', not 'perfect'." Buffy sighed. Sometimes she missed Willow. Wherever she was.

~*~*~*~

_"I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera. Yet here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off before I rip your throat out and…"_

_"Um… Spike... the light was kinda behind you…"_

 

"You're watching Andrew's tape again?" Xander's voice came from her door. He didn't knock again, which was becoming one annoying habit that she'd started getting used to.

"Well, we didn't get to finish it." Buffy dipped another cookie in her tea and took a bite. Ever since they'd started working on setting up their hideaway in Edinburgh, Buffy had come to appreciate tea, especially with cookies.

Xander sat next to her. "Thought you hated the tape."

Buffy closed her mouth before she took a bite of her cookie. There was a close up of Spike's face on the screen. "Last night, I had a dream. One with Spike in it," she said, her eyes on the television. She felt Xander's hand on her shoulder moving in soothing circles.

His hand suddenly stopped, because Anya was on the screen now. She heard him sigh. "The bottle blonds we weep for."

Buffy looked away from the screen. It was time to move on. She'd tried that, but then something would happen, and she would remember him, then the grieving would start all over again. She could still remember when she used to escape to different demon lairs every night by herself and engage in bloody fights with them. She had always found release in violence, and kicking her punching bag didn't do the trick anymore. She liked those nights when she could let go of her frustration and grief without the disturbance of anyone she knew, whereas her mornings would be spent training her junior Slayers. Only Dawn had asked her about her nightly activities and she didn't get an answer, because Buffy had known that her sister would freak if she knew about the series of violence and bloodshed that went on every night since they had moved to Europe.

So, Buffy had always tried to get back home before anyone noticed. Not that her friends were paying attention anyway. Xander had been captured by Dracula, –which was something she hadn't even known about until months later. Giles had buried himself in his new responsibilities, and Willow had hers as well. Willow had also been busy taking care of Dawn, helping her catch up on her studies, when Buffy wouldn't.

Buffy's unhealthy detachment from all the important people in her life had created a rift between her and her sister. Dawn had been upset with her for a while, and Buffy had falsely assumed it was because she'd neglected Dawn's needs and left her to Willow's care. It took getting caught one night for everything to come out into the open.

Xander and Dawn were already suspicious about her nightly rituals, especially since they'd noticed the bruises and scratches on her arms and her occasional limp. One night, the demons had overpowered her, and she had suspected herself to be near death when a bunch of her Slayers broke in and took care of the demons. The last things she had seen before she'd passed out were the scared looks on Xander and Dawn's faces.

That was the last night Buffy had gone hunting packs of demons alone. Instead, Xander encouraged her in more constructive ways of grieving. Often, they would go to a bar to sit, drink, and talk about those they had lost. She still kept her mourning away from everybody else, and never cried, or looked sad or spaced out in front of a single soul. That had been done in the solitude of her room, where no one could see her cry, even Xander.

The gentle hand squeeze on her shoulder interrupted her train of thought, and her eyes met Xander's concerned one. "It's been more than a year," she said weakly.

"More reason to miss him, right?" Xander said kindly, as his hand went back to move in soothing circles on her back.

Buffy gave him a sideways smile. In the past, there had always been anticipation in her relationship with Xander. While she trusted him so much, she couldn't help but be wary of his reaction to things, especially extreme things. His emotions usually took control of him, causing him to say hurtful things, some he probably didn't mean. All valid reasons to avoid sharing an awful truth with him.

But then in the last two years, there was a miraculous change in his behavior. Sometimes Buffy would do something that would outrage him, and she would expect his reaction to be unpleasant, but then he would surprise her with a mature, even-tempered reaction. It had started when Spike came back with a soul. Buffy had feared that Xander would leap at the chance to take him down, but he never did. Instead, he had agreed to take Spike in despite his feelings toward him. He was there taking care of Dawn and helping Buffy send her off to college. He was there with her, getting drunk and grieving for Spike. He was still around after the outrageous things she had done in the name of the mission ever since they set foot in Scotland.

And now, he was here taking care of her pregnant self. And he would be here to help Buffy raise the baby. Things were going to be okay. That was until she noticed the empty carton.

"We need more 'biscuits'," she demanded.

"You can have Walkers Shortbread," Xander said, handing her the cellophane pack.

"Ugh, no, it's too buttery." Buffy's nose was scrunched up like she had caught a whiff. She drew away from the extended cookies.

"Well, it's Walkers Pure Butter Shortbread Rounds!" Xander exclaimed in the best Scottish accent he could muster, which was horrid, not that either of them was the best judge of that.

Buffy gave him a look that she knew was more intimidating on Pregnant Buffy, so naturally Xander fled from the room, calling out that he was going grocery shopping at the town's market. Buffy smirked, but it didn't last long when she noticed Spike and Wood on the screen, each one about to tear the other a new one. She pursed her lips, and then turned off the TV.

Pregnant women should stay away from moody things, for the baby's sake.

~*~*~*~


	2. Chapter Two

 

 

 

 

** Chapter Two: **

 

 

 

 

 

"So how's the new apartment?" Dawn asked. The sound of crunching was all Buffy could hear. Crackers, chips, whatever Dawn was eating - it was annoying. It was rude to eat while talking on the phone. That was what their mom had taught them.

"It's really nice," Buffy answered, putting another cookie in her mouth. She was lying on her new bed in her new room, wearing the nightie Dawn had given her for her birthday, trying to get accustomed to it. Nightgowns would be more comfortable to wear than PJs once she reached the sixth or seventh month of her pregnancy. She reached for another cookie from the bowl next to her and gazed with contentment at her room. She felt like a girl from the nineteenth century with the Victorian-like decoration. The new room was much cozier than hers in the castle. The only thing she was going to miss about that room was the view.

"It's got two bedrooms and a storage room. It's really big. Shows the power of having so much money," she said after she swallowed the last piece of her cookie.

"As long as you and Xander don't use it all," Dawn warned. "You know what that money is for."

"I know," Buffy said. "It'll be weird not living in the castle anymore."

"So you left Leah in charge of the Slayers?" Dawn asked.

"Yeah, she was the one most willing to lead, but I also appointed Satsu and Rowena as seconds in command." She wondered what she would have done without Leah, Satsu and Rowena. Well, the same, obviously, but they did make her job much easier. She trusted no one more than them to keep everything safe for her until she came back. "We'll keep in touch with them, and they'll report to us about any new activity."

Dawn hummed her understanding, and then the irritating crunching came back, and along with it came the new reality. The reality of Buffy living the normal life. The one she had always craved. No Slayers, no castles, and on top of that, no vampires. It felt strange somehow, not as fulfilling as she had always pictured.

"What does your bedroom look like?"

"Why tell you when you can come over and see it?" Buffy said, knowing that Dawn would get the hint.

"Buffy, I'm celebrating Easter with Kenny's parents. That's huge, okay?"

"Dawn, last time we saw you was on my birthday. You didn't even stay for spring break. And even if college would allow it, I'm sure you wouldn't have come over on Valentine's Day." She hoped she didn't sound like a needy mother; perhaps it was her hormones speaking.

"Yeah, because the best way to celebrate a lovers' holiday would be with my sister and her boyfriend."

"You know, calling Xander my boyfriend is getting really old."

"Really?" Dawn had stopped crunching, but now her voice got even more annoying. "I dunno, the way you said 'we' instead of 'I' for example."

"I live in an apartment with Xander now. We're doing this whole pregnancy thing together. It's hard not to refer to us as a 'we'."

"Us?"

"I think I'm gonna hang up." And that was exactly what she did.

 

~*~*~*~

"Shouldn't the eggs be outside?" Buffy asked, looking around at the unrecognizable apartment. Xander had it all Easter-like. The colored eggs were placed neatly in every corner. Cute little stuffed bunnies were seated on the sofa. The table was pushed to the wall, and on top of it lay the confectionery.

"Don't want the Easter Bunny stealing what was left in my wallet," he said. "You should taste the marshmallow bunnies."

"I think I'll stick with the chocolate eggs."

Xander drew out a chair for her. She gave a quick smile at the weird gesture, and then sat down, staring at the table, which also had Peeps and jelly beans on it. "You've got quite a selection here."

"I like variety." He sat next to her, snatching one chocolate egg.

"Variety looks nice." Buffy smiled at the pretty colors of Easter eggs.

"I'm glad you like it." Xander's hand reached out to hold hers. She looked warily at his hand, and then her gaze went to his face. His eye was… sparkling?

Thud. Sting. It was only when pain shot over her thighs that Buffy realized that she'd banged her knees against the table.

"What's wrong?" Xander asked, startled.

"Uh… bathroom, I need bathroom…" She started walking away a little too quickly. The bathroom was right by the end of the hall, so she just headed to her room, her mouth babbling something she couldn't comprehend. "Or better yet… my room. Room is fine."

She shut the door behind her and leaned her back against it, a heavy sigh escaped her lips, and her hand settled in her hair, holding the strands nervously. What the hell happened? Man, she needed someone to talk to. If only Dawn wasn't at Kenny's parents' for the holidays.

She eyed her cell phone on the nightstand and strolled over there. She quickly pressed the speed dial. The phone rang, but there was no answer. Her foot tapped anxiously on the floor. If Dawn screened her, Buffy would forbid her from seeing the baby when it was born.

"Buffy," she heard Xander's voice calling her from outside. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, don't worry. I'm coming out in a bit," Buffy called back and looked at her nervous reflection in the mirror. If what happened outside was what she thought happened outside, then she was definitely screwed. What was she supposed to do now?

There was a gentle knock on the door. "Buffy?"

She sighed, running a hand over her hair once again, and opened the door to find a concerned Xander standing there. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

Buffy grinned. "Yes, everything's fine."

He stared at her for a brief moment, and the grin she was wearing was about to quiver. Then, thankfully, he handed her a glass of water. "Here. Thought you'd need this."

"Thanks." She reached to take the glass when she noticed her right hand still holding the cell phone. She took the glass with her left hand and placed the cell phone in on the dresser.

Xander looked at it suspiciously. "Who were you calling?"

"Uh, Satsu." She almost choked on her water. "Thought I'd check on them. Easter isn't exactly Halloween."

Xander nodded. "They can take care of themselves, you know."

"Well, sometimes they may need my help."

"Don't worry, you just focus on resting. If they need help, I'll handle it." He beamed fervently. "After all, I'm your Ron Stoppable."

"Yes, you are, as in best friend and nothing more."

"Oh, c'mon, it's obvious they're ending up together."

"As far as I've watched, they haven't."

"Well, they're still in high school. Wait a couple more seasons, when he gets her pregnant." He winked and walked toward the living room.

She broke into a nervous giggle. "Great."

Suddenly, her cell phone started ringing. She pointed at the ringing phone, jumping slightly and babbled, "Oh, phone call, gotta take this." She closed the door again and leaped to grab the cell. Some of the water in the glass she held had spilt on her dresser. She answered without even looking at the caller.

"Hello?" Her voice was squeaky.

"Hi." It was Dawn.

"Where were you?" she hissed.

"Having sex with Kenny," Dawn replied with a bored, casual voice.

At his parents' house? "Could you be any more disturbing?" she asked with a crinkled nose, still not used to their new sisterly relationship. While it had been natural for her and Willow to discuss their sex lives with each other, the whole 'girlfriends' thing with Dawn wasn't working well for her.

"You asked. Now what's the thing you wanted to talk about that couldn't wait until I got back to Berkeley?"

"Xander." There was something about the way she pronounced his name. Buffy had never been scared of Xander in her whole life, at least, not in the same way she was at this very moment. "He's hitting on me," she added quickly before Dawn asked anything.

"Wow, I thought you were going platonic with this."

"We _are_. It's just Xander's not following the rules."

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"I was kinda hoping you'd tell me."

"You can explain the rules again. You seem to enjoy repeating _our_ rules to me."

"It's not that simple. When I rejected Xander in high school, he took it badly."

"He's a big boy now. I'm sure he'll take it fine."

Buffy considered this. Dawn might have a point. Buffy kept anticipating Xander's reaction to things even after the destruction of Sunnydale, and a great number of her expectations were proven wrong. She might be mistaken about this one as well.

"Yeah, that's Buffy," Dawn said. She was probably talking to Kenny. "When will you find out the sex of the baby?"

Buffy grimaced. She wasn't sure she liked Kenny butting in, especially when it came to anything to do with her pregnancy. She hoped Dawn wasn't naked with Kenny in bed at the moment. However, she was definitely not going to ask. "Soon," she muttered.

"I hope it's a girl. What'll you call her if it turns out to be a girl?"

"It depends on Xander. We decided each one of us will name the opposite sex."

"And you've made that decision on what basis?" Dawn sounded less than pleased with this information.

"We flipped a coin."

"That's terrible. I had hopes for a good name for my future niece. Not that I like your picks. Remember Joan?"

Buffy didn't feel like rolling her eyes or remembering Joan. Joan was an awful moment in her life that she wanted to erase from her memory. She sighed. "I'm gonna have to go, Dawn. I've got another heart to break."

"Aren't you the living picture of Marilyn Monroe."

Buffy pouted. "Don't I know it!"

"Cheerio."

"Bye," Buffy whispered, glancing warily at the door. She looked at her reflection in the mirror for the second time. The thin line of her lips showed determination, but the worry in her eyes seemed greater. Buffy didn't want to hurt Xander, not with everything they were going through together. But letting him continue with the false hope that she would ever see him as anything more than a friend would just hurt him more. She had to _kill_ any thought or hope he had about Buffy the Girlfriend or Buffy the Future Mrs. Harris. That was all for the best -for her as well as for him.

She found Xander sitting in front of the TV with a bowl of chocolate eggs on his lap. She almost felt her tummy ache at the thought of someone eating that much chocolate. He grinned when he saw her. "Who would've thought they'd show _Brokeback Mountain_ on Easter?"

"Xander, we need to talk."

His grin faltered gradually, and a serious expression replaced the silly one. "Yeah, we need to, because I've got something to say."

Buffy fought the urge to swallow a lump in her throat, but then she straightened her back. "Maybe it's better if you heard me first."

"Buffy, there's a nice girl I met at the supermarket today," Xander said without making eye contact, his gaze fixed on the TV.

Buffy frowned. "A girl?"

He shifted in his seat a little. "Yeah, and I kinda wanna ask her on a date."

Buffy blinked, then rested one hand on her hip. "Why are you telling me this?"

He looked at her. "We've all seen _Friends_. Rachel wasn't comfortable with Ross dating while she was pregnant. I was worried that sitcoms were right. Are they?"

Buffy rubbed her temple, taken aback at the turn in the situation. "Uh, no, I'm okay with you dating."

He smiled. "Thanks." He patted the spot next to him on the couch without saying a word.

Buffy sat down, watching as his single eye turned its attention back to the screen. Her eyes remained staring at his face. She wasn't sure what to make of this. Xander was too eager to make a move a few minutes ago, and now he was asking her permission to go on a date with another woman?

Then instinctively, her hand went to hold his hand. It was when he didn't hold hers back that she realized what he was doing.

 

~*~*~*~

Nine months had passed. She lived through every nauseating and boring minute of them. Morning sickness didn't stick around too long, thankfully, but there was the major sweat problem in freaking frozen Scotland. Whenever she sweated or took off an item of clothing, she was met with raised eyebrows and eye-rolling. She was constantly reminded that she should be thankful she wasn't pregnant in California.

Then there was the issue of boredom. She wasn't allowed to lift anything, move anywhere, or drink anything she liked, which were mainly coffee and an occasional beer now and then.

Basically, she was glad those nine months had ended, and she was thankful she had a pretty normal pregnancy. She still wouldn't have easily survived without Xander by her side.

She smiled at the father of her child holding their daughter and making funny noises. The baby was healthy and beautiful. And Buffy had barely held her.

"Xander, seriously, hand her over."

"But she's so tiny."

"Can't you hear yourself? You're abusing the cliché."

Xander huffed and reluctantly handed Buffy their daughter. She gazed at the small, peaceful face, and then emotions came rushing. Nine months of nauseating dull hours vanished out of her memory when her eyes lay on her own child. The moments she remembered now were holding her daughter’s first ultrasound, hearing the sound of her heartbeat for the first time, having Xander's hand on her stomach feeling the baby's movements.

Buffy ran a finger over the soft, black hairs. She mostly took after Xander. Buffy couldn't see anything resembling herself in the pretty face.

"She's beautiful," Xander whispered next to her. "Now hand her over."

She gave him a look.

"C'mon," Xander whined. "You get to breastfeed her. What do I get?"

"Diaper changing?" She fluttered her eyelashes at him.

"Please, Buffy." There came the pout.

"Okay," she said, but held onto the baby when Xander was about to snatch her. "As long as you stop talking like Uncle Scrooge."

"Can't help it. _DuckTales_ is on every day, and we're surrounded by Scotties."

"Whatever. You can't do Scottish." She grudgingly handed him the baby again, but she couldn't keep on the scowl for long, because the way Xander was holding her was enough for a smile to break out on her lips. He cooed and rocked her gently, and his eye gleamed with affection. He would make a wonderful father.

The question was: would she make a good mother? She was running a huge organization, far removed from society, in a big castle on the hill of nowhere. With the way things were now, she'd figured she had more of a chance at a normal life before spreading the Slayer powers.

Even if she completely retired, which was out of the question, she would always be a target. She was one of the original Slayers, the former Chosen One. She was the one that most of the others considered their 'queen'. She had a lot of accomplishments to her name. Any demon or vampire trying to build a reputation would want to take her down. Hell, even the more famous monsters would think killing her was a big achievement. Why else would Giles go through the trouble of making Buffy decoys in the first place?

She bit her lip, looking at Xander and their daughter. "So, any ideas about a name yet?" she asked, playing with her blanket and trying hard to ignore the persisting thoughts.

"Yeah, about that." His nervous tone made her gaze at him critically. "We're calling her Andrew."

Buffy blinked. "Come again?"

Xander opened his mouth, closed it, opened it, then his head dropped in shame. "I lost a bet."

Buffy narrowed her eyes at him. "You bet on your child's name?"

Xander swallowed thickly, but said nothing.

Buffy could feel fire about to burst from her eyes. "Andrew is _not_ a girl's name!"

"That'll make her special. C'mon, wasn't it special that Angel had such a feminine name?"

"I can't believe you're doing something Andrew told you to. And how can you even lose a bet to Andrew?"

Xander turned to face her fully, placing their daughter in Buffy's view, probably to protect him from her wrath. "Look, how about Andrea?" he rapidly suggested. "That way we can call her Andy, and you won't feel like shooting yourself."

Buffy was about to protest when a thoughtful look crossed her face. "Actually, Andrea sounds good."

Xander beamed.

"But I'm not calling her Andy," she asserted with a demanding frown.

"Whatever you say."

 

~*~*~*~

"Is Andy asleep?" Buffy asked over the phone, walking down the street with the groceries. A car honked so loudly she couldn't hear what Xander had said, but then she almost heard him mention Scotch.

"Didn't we agree that there will be no alcohol for the next two years?" she said.

"But, Buffy…"

"I'm already out of the supermarket," Buffy reasoned. "Xander, I gotta hang up. I can't talk to you while crossing the street, okay?"

The minute she hung up, someone suddenly slammed into her. Buffy was able to save some of the groceries but sadly the milk cartons fell and smashed. She turned around angrily to meet the frightened eyes of a blonde girl.

"I'm… I'm sorry," the girl stuttered. "But there's a man who's following me. He wants to rape me."

Buffy's eyes narrowed at the girl. Her accent wasn't Scottish. She sounded American, though she didn't look it. The big dark eyes, the features, and the skin color belonged somewhere else. She looked Mediterranean.

"Where is he?" Buffy asked, suddenly sensing a vampire nearby. At first, she planned to walk the girl to her house, but since there was a vampire involved, all bets were off.

The girl pointed to a dark alley. Buffy handed her the groceries. "Guard these with your life," she commanded, and headed towards the alley.

"Wait, you're going to him? Shouldn't we call the police?" the girl asked with fearful eyes.

"Trust me, I can handle it," Buffy said, walking to the dark alley, her hand already grabbing the stake in her coat pocket.

The alley was quite dark, so Buffy relied on her senses. The problem was she couldn't detect the vampire anymore. She figured it had gone somewhere else while she was talking to the girl. Maybe he had gotten to her now. When Buffy was about to turn around, she heard a crack. She unconsciously took position, her eyes looking at every possible place.

Then, suddenly, Buffy flipped backwards.

Vampires should be aware that Slayers were much faster and smarter, which was why she usually punned, just to make the fight more challenging. Tonight, though, she didn't feel like punning. She wanted to get back to her comfy sofa, with her daughter and her TV. Buffy didn't waste a second as she ran toward the vampire, who was about to get up, and swung a leg at his face, causing him to fall on his back. She spun and kicked again, leaving the vampire no chance of getting up.

Something moved in the background - another vampire. Spinning around, she saw no one. She quickly ducked, avoiding a punch from the vampire behind her, and turned her attention to the vampire she could see at the moment, thinking she would deal with the other once she finished with this one.

She avoided another punch and then leaped, stake raised to lunge at the vampire, who dodged in time. Buffy rolled on the ground before she rose up again.

The vampire kicked at Buffy's head, missing as she ducked and somersaulted past him. Once her legs were on the ground, she turned around and came face to face with…

Spike?

 

~*~*~*~


	3. Chapter Three

 

** Chapter Three: **

 

 

**   
**

 

 

"Duck!" Spike snapped.

This time, though, she didn't. She was too overwhelmed by the shock that she lost her sense of reality until a kick smacked into her head, causing her to fall to the ground. Everything went a little loopy for awhile; the only thing she felt was the stinging in her palms and knees. She could hear sounds of banging and kicking for a few seconds before the sound of a vampire dusting. Buffy took a long breath, trying to make sense of everything.

"You okay?" he whispered, standing right behind her. She turned her head to look at the hand extended to her, but stood on her own and dusted her clothes clean, wincing when the cuts in her hands touched the fabric.

"Buffy?"

The hesitation in his voice brought her back to reality, a somewhat hazy reality. She looked at him and barely blinked, then focused on the angles of his face, which had always been sharp. Somehow, they were not quite as she remembered. "That bang was too hard," she finally murmured. "Clearly shows that I'm not dreaming."

Spike bit his lip and stuffed his hands inside his pockets. He did a lousy impression of a shrug, his shoulders inches away from his face. Then he started walking away from her, but didn't get far as he stood in front of the dumpster, his back to her.

"When?" she asked softly.

"Can we discuss this later? I came here on a mission."

"A mission?" Buffy repeated dully. "You mean you're not here for me?" She didn't understand this. Any of it. Was Spike sent by the Powers That Whatever for some unfinished business or something? One that once he took care of it, he would be gone again? Was that why he didn't seek her? Because he didn't want to hurt her when the Powers took him away again?

Buffy couldn't stop the questions in her head, especially when Spike stayed silent for such a long time.

"Spike…"

"Look," he cut her off, turning around. The expression on his face was weird. It didn't look like him at all. "There's no time for chit-chat. I need to find this girl."

"What girl?"

"Bitch put a curse on Angel. Been following her sodding arse for a month."

"Angel? A curse?" She felt dazed; like too much was happening so that she couldn't connect one thing with the other. There were two parts of her nagging at each other. One demanded to know how the hell Spike was standing in front of her. The other called upon duty. Angel was in danger because of a girl. Last thing she'd heard was that Angel had joined the most evil law firm in the world, which in itself was a lousy decision she did not approve of. She never interfered, though, mostly because of the chaos she was living, but also because she and Angel chose different paths long ago. Interfering with his world meant him interfering with hers, and she was not having any of that. Not anymore.

Buffy knew that finding the girl who hurt Angel should be her first priority. That was when the epiphany finally hit her. "Was that girl by any chance a blonde who looks Middle Eastern?"

Spike looked at her with optimism. "Did you see her?"

"Yes, she was running away from a vampire trying to rape her," she explained. Something stung inside. She shouldn't have phrased it like that because it sounded familiar. At least she could have left out the rape part.

Spike snorted, looking like he didn't catch the similarity. "Rape her, she said," he remarked, shaking his head. "Chit done in five heads into dust three days ago."

Buffy knitted her eyebrows. "You mean…"

"Another crazy Slayer is who she is."

~*~*~*~

The girl had disappeared, and the groceries along with her. Now that sucked big time. Still, it wasn't as frustrating as standing shoulder to shoulder with Spike again. It didn't feel like old times. Spike was back, and yet she couldn't recognize him, couldn't feel connected to him the way they used to. She felt a little betrayed, too. Spike was on a mission to save Angel, and that meant Spike had gone to Angel, not Buffy. He had been following a Slayer for a month, a Slayer who was not her. A whole month when he didn't have the _decency_ to call and inform her that he was not a pile of dust.

"So, you’ve been alive for quite some time, haven't you?"

"Not now, Buffy." Spike wandered, appearing to look around for the thief Slayer.

Buffy grabbed him and spun him around to meet her eyes. "Now," she muttered. "Now, you tell me everything."

His eyes were mirrors of ice that lacked emotion. "You're a smart girl. You figure it out." The words felt even colder.

Her grip on him tightened, desperate for the connection she knew. "You were with Angel. And now he's in trouble," she said. Her mind picked up so much more without Spike having to explain a thing. "Does that mean you were working with Angel in that evil law firm?" For some reason she felt disgusted, deceived even more. She couldn't keep the emotions from reflecting themselves in her expression.

"As I said, smart girl," he commented, jerking himself away from her hold. "So now, figure you want nothing to do with me."

He started walking away from her, but….

He was _not_ going to walk away. He was not leaving her without explaining himself. And for God's sake, he was not going to drama-queen his way out of this.

"How long have you been alive, Spike?" she demanded. He raised a finger and opened his mouth, but she didn't give him a chance to speak. "And if you even make a joke about vampires not being alive, so help me God, those fangs of yours are gonna be my new necklace."

Spike closed his mouth, and then let out a humorless chuckle. "Of all the fantasies I had, this is the worst way I could imagine us meeting again."

Buffy approached him, arms crossed, resolve face in place. "If you were wishing for a meeting with hugs and kisses, you should've done the right thing."

"Right," Spike drawled. "And that would be…" he trailed off with a crinkled brow.

"I'm sure Angel's got some phones in that law firm of his."

"Yes, phone." Spike chuckled again. It was getting annoying. "After that grand finale, a phone call wouldn't make much of an entrance." He crossed his arms, a finger rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Weren't you supposed to be in Rome anyway?"

She frowned. "Grand finale?"

Spike shrugged. "Big sacrifice for the world. School collapsing on top of my head, only man standing." He paused, watching her, his eyes looking more like the Spike she knew, and his tone softened. "Watching our hands burst into flame."

She felt her fingers flutter as emotions rolled off her in waves. An old heat washed over her as old feelings were coming to life, feelings that rarely came to the surface. The thin line of her mouth twitched but eventually remained firm. Her loose fingers clutched onto her bony arms covered in cotton fabric.

"Nothing I do will top that," Spike went on in a hushed tone.

Emotions within her battled between elation and fury, but mostly the latter. She wanted to punch him, beat him to a pulp. She even thought of pulling his hair painfully.

"Jerk," she muttered, shaking a little.

He had the nerve to look stunned.

"I don't care about that!" she screamed. Like a vivid flashback, she could see herself waking up in her room after the demon attack, feeling more dead than alive, greeted by an angry Xander and a worried Dawn. When Xander started yelling at her, she yelled back, saying things she knew she didn't mean. His slap had brought her back to full consciousness, and finally made her see the tears on Dawn's cheeks and hear her desperate tone begging Buffy to never do something so suicidal again.

Her blood started to boil as she thought of Spike in LA, playing champion with Angel, while she almost killed herself with sorrow every single night.

"Well, I do," he said, but not with a yell, even though there was a little bit of irritation mingled there. "You'd like to think that everything I do links to you, but the sacrifice… that one didn't. Or at least, part of it."

She observed him, her fingers clutched to the sides of her arms so hard she almost ripped off her shirt. "You've changed."

"Yeah, grew a personality."

It was like a punch in the face. Her whole body was still, though inside her heart was shattering. "Do you resent me that much?"

Spike's angry expression dissolved into regret. "No, Buffy, no," he whispered gently. "It was always me. I resented me." She didn't move, and remained silent, waiting for more explanation. He sighed. "All my life, I followed the women I loved. It was time I stood on my own."

She raised an eyebrow. "By following Angel?"

"It wasn't about Angel, all right?" He swung an arm in annoyance before he pointed a finger at himself. "It was about me choosing my fight."

"And that would be by Angel's side."

He stared at her with an expression full of aggravation, and then shook his head. "Forget it." He walked away. "I've got things to do."

Watching him walk away hit her like a thunderstorm. She was about to call to him when her cell phone rang. She quickly picked it up. "Hello?" she said a bit too fast, watching Spike's back, almost faded away into the darkness of the night.

"Buffy, where are you?" Xander asked with concern, his voice loud.

"Fine, just ran into a vampire."

Spike stopped walking and looked over his shoulder at her. Her eyes were on his, and something like an unknown message passed between them. One she had grown to forget over the years. Xander was talking, but she didn't hear a word. She was trying to read the ones in Spike's eyes. However, they didn't remain long on hers as Spike turned and disappeared behind the building.

"Buffy!"

She jumped slightly. "Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

"I am," she answered, her gaze on the spot where Spike had vanished. "I am."

~*~*~*~

Her eyes went from one shelf of canned fruit to another, because she knew she wasn't in a state of mind to fetch fresh ones. Buffy cursed Thief Slayer again, from fresh fruits and vegetables- which had taken her a whole hour to pick out- to ones that were canned. Not only that, fruits and vegetables were only her first stop. She had yet to look for milk, cheese, meat, baked goods, oils, dressings… they really shouldn't delay grocery shopping to the end of the week. Or maybe they should start to eat less.

Her hand went to her pocket, feeling the Scottish version of British pounds. Good thing she didn't bring a purse. Her money was safe in her pocket.

She gazed at a display of canned carrots, her mind racing somewhere else, away from vegetables and Thief Slayers.

Suddenly, she grabbed her cell phone – another advantage of _not_ bringing a purse -and instantly called Dawn. It rang a few times before her sister picked up.

"What?" Dawn hissed on the other line.

"We need to talk."

"Buffy, I don't have time. I told you, Jimmy Walter invited me to the biggest party in the history of Berkeley. And that's tonight. So I really need to get some shopping done with the girls."

"Dawn, please, it's important."

"Can't you talk to Xander?"

"No! That's out of question…"

"Did I mention whose party I'm invited to?"

"Did I mention that Spike is alive?"

There was a pause, and that was when Buffy realized that she had won Dawn over.

"Wow," Dawn gasped after a few seconds of silence. "Um, good thing you didn't tell Xander."

Buffy thought so, too. There was a time when Dawn was friends with Spike. That made it easier. And while it had been a long time since Buffy had heard Xander badmouth Spike, she never saw them as friends. Not to mention the fact that Xander's feelings for her had re-blossomed since she had gotten pregnant.

There was an annoying knocking sound at the other line. "What's that?" Buffy asked.

"My friends. They're here for the shopping trip." There was knocking and muffled voices. "Whatever," Dawn said, annoyed. "So, Spike, he's back, and…"

"He's different…." The knocking was getting on Buffy's nerves, aside from the noise that was already bugging her in the grocery store. She never thought Dawn would be Miss Popular in college. "I guess he really didn't believe me… when I told him I loved him."

"Maybe he didn't. I mean, why would he say something like that if he didn't think it was true?"

Buffy bit her lip, then noticed two girls gazing at her with curiosity. She jerked her head for them to mind their own business and turned her back to them.

"Did he tell you how he got back?" Dawn asked, sounding a little apologetic. "I mean, he's in Scotland, so he must have been looking for you."

Buffy shook her head. "He said he came to Scotland for something else."

"Oh... well, how did he act when he saw you? Did it seem like he was happy to see you?"

The icy blue eyes flashed before her vision. The cold tone. The cold behavior. The way he looked at her as he walked away. The past tense he used when he talked about the women he 'loved.' She closed her eyes shut.

"I don't know."

"How can you not know? It's Spike. You can see love and devotion miles away."

"He… he actually wanted to hide it from me that he came back." Something painful squeezed inside; the bitter anger and the feeling of betrayal came back. She opened her eyes to see a picture of a child before her, smiling innocently. She reached with a finger to touch the cold, soft plastic of the diapers bag.

The knocking from the other end of the line started again and sounds of annoyed, screaming girls were heard. Buffy could picture Dawn's face contorting with aggravation. "Then maybe you should just forget about him and move on," Dawn said.

"Move on…" Buffy repeated, still numb from thinking about Spike, until what Dawn had said sunk in. "What?" she whispered, shocked.

"You had a baby with Xander. You should think about what's best for your daughter."

Buffy's finger poked at the baby's nose, ripping the plastic. "Xander and I…" she started.

"I gave you my opinion," Dawn interrupted. "The decision is up to you. Now, excuse me, I really need to go."

Buffy looked at her cell phone, stunned. Dawn had hung up on her. Her hand almost crushed the cell phone in anger. She turned around and looked at the bananas a few steps away from her. Black took over yellow; they were old and ruined. She cursed that Slayer again; if it wasn't for her, she wouldn't have run into Spike. If she had known about this Slayer, she could have had taken her out and this whole mess wouldn't have happened. Someone was to be blamed for this and Buffy knew who it was.

Xander had some explaining to do.

~*~*~*~

"Why didn't you tell me about the rogue Slayer?" Buffy questioned Xander angrily, hands firmly on her hips. She had bought nothing on the second visit to the grocery store. The night's events were more important than the lasagna Xander _wasn't_ going to make, after all.

She had found him feeding Andrea a bottle of her pumped breast milk when she stormed in. Startled, he looked at her with a frown. "What rogue Slayer?"

"There's no way Leah and the others wouldn't have detected her. And we all know they've been informing you of any new activity lately." Buffy had called Satsu before she left the grocery store. It seemed that they were ordered by Mr. Harris not to contact Buffy with any new information, whether it was a new villain or a new lost Slayer.

Xander looked back at Andy in a dismissive gesture. "Look, it's not something they can't handle."

"Damnit, Xander, the baby's out," Buffy said, irritated, trying not to yell so she wouldn't make Andrea cry, feeling angrier at how calm and indifferent he was acting. "I'm back on my feet. If anything, right now we should be back in the castle."

Now Xander looked at her with anger. "What about Andy?"

"What about Andy?" Buffy asked, confused.

"How can we take care of her if we're swamped with big bads and training Slayers and hiding from governments?" Xander placed the bottle aside and threw a dry towel on his shoulder. He held Andrea over his shoulder and started gently patting her on the back. "Buffy, we barely had a life of our own when we were there. We were completely isolated from the world."

It made sense, Buffy thought. The only reason Xander had gotten to date Monique was because she was a Slayer. Victor, too, had been introduced to her through Monique, and she hadn't really met anyone else outside of the castle until she got pregnant.

Buffy watched as Andy threw up some of her lunch over the towel on Xander's shoulder, normal life right in front of her.

"We can get other Slayers to baby-sit her…" Buffy suggested weakly.

Xander glanced at her but was still occupied with Andrea. "If you wanna miss her childhood, Buffy, then fine," he said, holding Andrea close, looking at her pointedly. "I don't."

Buffy raised an eyebrow, unsure. "What're you saying?"

"I'm saying I quit."

Buffy shook her head uneasily. "That wasn't what we agreed to. We both said we'd move back to the castle as soon as I was well enough to go back to work, remember?"

He looked down at Andrea. "Guess I changed my mind."

She wanted to be angry and thought she should, but that wasn't what she felt. "Just like that?" She tried for an indignant tone, but couldn't keep the quiver out of her voice.

He didn't look at her, his gaze remaining on their daughter.

"You're not serious about this," she said desperately.

"I am." He looked at her. "I have an interview for a new job next Monday."

She bit the inside of her mouth, watching him stand up, rocking the baby with tenderness that didn't match the heated discussion they were having. "When were you planning on telling me this?" she whispered.

"I'm telling you now." He turned around to face her. "If you wanna get back to the castle, then be my guest. Andy and I will stay put."

Buffy stared at him a few seconds, watching the determined expression on his face suddenly change into concern, and she realized that her eyes were becoming teary.

"Buffy," he started in an unhappy tone. "I'm not abandoning you. I will always be there for you. Heck, if you were a prisoner in some kind of demon administration, just give me an orange bandanna and a couple of nun chucks and I'll cowabunga my way to the rescue," he said, trying to lighten the mood with a joke. No success. "I just…" He looked at the baby in his arms. "I have to put _her_ first."

Buffy nodded. She didn't trust herself to speak. She only knew one thing, though. The life she had come to know had started to get complicated the minute she laid eyes on Spike. Again.

~*~*~*~

Buffy lay awake that night, mind spinning over too many changes that she couldn’t comprehend. Seeing Spike again was the greatest shock of them all, a shock that changed her life in a night. She was just getting the hang of her new life as a mother, not worrying at all about what was happening with her Slayers, and then just when Spike showed up, everything fell apart. It had always been a Spike thing.

Suddenly, her cell phone started ringing. She looked at the caller before she answered.

"Dawn?"

"Back from the mall. I hated the way I talked to you before I hung up. Bet I sounded like a bitch."

Buffy smiled. "Well, that's a very mature confession."

"Thanks." There was a pause. "So, how're you doing?"

Buffy closed her eyes, snuggling into her comfortable blanket. "Confused," she answered quietly.

"That sucks."

"Yeah."

"Have you told Xander yet?"

"No… if Spike wants nothing to do with me, there shouldn't be a reason for unnecessary tension between me and Xander." Especially when said tension was already there.

"How do you know he wants nothing to do with you?"

"It's just… all this time, Dawn, and he kept away from me. All the pain and regret and…."

"Mourning sex with Xander…"

"One mourning sex with Xander. You make it sound like a hundred." Buffy switched to the left ear, agitated. "Anyway, it hurt. That he didn't trust me enough to accept him back."

"I think you better talk to Spike."

That was a little unexpected. Buffy sat up straight, cell phone on the right ear again, as if that ear could hear better than the left. "You think so?" she asked.

"Hey, I'm not crazy about the idea. I don't think I care about Spike, or you being with him, like I used to. But if that's what you want, I'm there."

Buffy's lips curled up into a smile. "Thanks, Dawn."

"Don't mention it. Now I gotta model the new dress. Kenny is gonna lose it when he picks me up." There was a gleeful excitement to her tone that made Buffy smile, even though she was trying to force her mind from wandering into the disturbing activities that usually happened at frat parties.

~*~*~*~


	4. Chapter Four

 

** Chapter Four: **

 

**   
**

 

 

Morning lay beyond the window of her room, a faint light filtering in from outside. Buffy looked at the sun peeking through the cloud that promised a rainy morning. There was a bird happily singing, its chirps intermingling with the sound of the patter of light rain. A new day that would begin with unexpected surprises, she suspected; for today she was going to find one bleach-headed vampire and force an explanation out of him, one that actually made sense.

She grimaced at the sound of a child’s whimpers coming from outside her room. Last night's conversation with Xander still rang in her head. She figured before any talk with Spike happened, she had to get out of her apartment, and that meant she would run into Xander, and when she did, she had to have another talk with him.

And here she had thought she might actually have a shot at an easy life after Sunnydale. Maybe she could avoid the forthcoming conversation with Xander by sneaking out the window. Great, she groaned, now she was back in high school, sneaking out to meet her vampire boyfriend. In this case, it was ex-vampire-boyfriend.

She gave a sigh and forced herself up. Her eyes appeared funny in the mirror, puffy and small. She yawned, fingers rubbing her forehead and walked out of her room. She found Xander in the bathroom, changing Andrea's diapers.

"Hey," she yawned again.

"Good afternoon," he said. She glanced out the small window in the bathroom. It looked like morning, but it was hard to tell when Edinburgh's afternoons lacked California's burning sun.

She turned her gaze to Xander. He put on a smile that didn't reach his eye, which was focused on nothing but the act of diaper changing. She watched him, not a little impressed. He was good at it. Better than her, anyway.

"So," she said. "I'm gonna head to the castle after breakfast."

He wiped the area thoroughly with a wet baby washcloth. Then he slid a clean diaper under Andrea's bottom, making sure the tabs were on the portion located under her bottom. He didn't answer her all through the process.

"I need to do this, Xander," she reasoned when she was met with silence. "There's a new bad Slayer out there, and I need to stop her."

"Good luck," he muttered, closing the new diaper by pulling the front up over Andrea's belly, pulling the tabs open and around to the fastening surface.

"I'm not abandoning Andy if that's what bothers you," she said, annoyed. "It's time for me to step up. I'm not pregnant anymore."

He looked at her now, disappointment overshadowed his face. "Do you know that it's been sixteen days since you gave birth?"

"Xander…"

"And fourteen days since you came out of the hospital?" He shook his head. "Are you that bored with her already?"

She bit the inside of her cheek, hoping it would bleed. She wanted to scream, 'What would you have done if Anya was the one who came back?' but wisely chose to keep her mouth shut.

He shook his head again and then went to wash his hands.

"I love Andrea," she whispered.

"I know." His words were spoken in an even softer tone. "But she needs to feel it, since babies don't develop telepathic abilities until three years old." He looked at her stomach that was reflected in the mirror. "Besides, shouldn't you be resting for six weeks after delivery?"

A rosy shade colored her cheeks as she bit her lips in embarrassment. "You know I heal faster than a normal person. The worst part of it is over by now."

He turned off the water in silence.

"Xander, I need to go to the castle," she said, sincerely.

His hands clutched at the basin, not looking at her. "Then go."

Situations like this never failed to leave a distinct lump in her throat when Buffy felt like the crappiest person in the world. She wasn't being a good mother or a good friend. However, that didn't stop her from washing her face in the kitchen, changing her clothes, fixing her hair, popping in a couple of breath mints and then heading out. No more words were exchanged with Xander.

~*~*~*~

There was no moon that night and everything below lay in darkness. A few lights shone from a handful of houses, but nothing could be heard. Buffy looked around the empty streets, feeling strands of her hair flying untidily in the air. This was the spot her Slayers had pointed to. Leah had offered to join her, but of course she refused.

This was personal.

Her eyes narrowed at the figure walking out of the small building on the corner. She watched him stop in his tracks and stand still, fully aware of the person on top of the building across the street.

"Doesn't suit you, Buffy," Spike remarked loudly for her to hear while pulling out a cigarette.

She stood and with a few swift jumps and leaps, she was right in front of him. The smoke of his cigarette was already dancing in the air.

"Stalking isn’t exclusive to the undead," she commented. "If it was crowded, you wouldn't have known I was here."

"Can't say I agree," he said. "Could've put it to the test."

She shrugged. "Wasn't up to me. Resources told me you'd be here."

"Resources, eh?" He blew more smoke into the air. Some went straight into her face, but she was used to it. Smoke took over her vision, made her inhale a little; a small enough amount that no one could claim it would affect her health.

"So many changes since Sunnydale, I see," he muttered, more smoke wafting out of his mouth.

"I'm more interested in your changes."

He stared at her for a moment, making her feel small and bare under his attentive gaze. She certainly wasn't comfortable with the way his eyes narrowed, especially when they didn't leave her less than flat stomach. "You gave birth," he softly said.

Buffy blinked a few seconds, unsure if the plump in her stomach was what gave it away. Dark ideas popped into her head of Spike following her last night and spying on her in her apartment. She was about to start with accusations, then stopped. A disgusted expression crossed her face when she realized that Spike could probably smell that she was breast feeding.

"Who's the father?"

She sighed, knowing that he might not take this well. "It's Xander."

Spike frowned. "Xander," he repeated, incredulous.

She nodded with a shrug.

"So, you… shagged Harris and had his little one?"

"Pretty much," she agreed.

"Just like that?"

Buffy tilted her head. Boy, was that jealousy? There was a little flicker inside of her, but she ignored it. She stood straight, arms crossed.

"I don't think I owe you anything, Spike." If she decided to move on and have a baby, it was none of his business. As far as she had known, he was dead, and she had the right to move on. Besides, a long time had passed since the destruction of Sunnydale before she slept with Xander. "And for your information, it was mourning sex," she let out.

He grimaced. "Don't think I asked when the tot was conceived."

" _Mourning_ sex. Sex of grief and loss…" she stopped, before she revealed more. Spike looked a bit shocked, but didn't say anything. "And she was conceived at night," she abruptly added.

Spike rolled his eyes.

She smiled.

"So," Spike approached, looking a bit smug. "That time you buggered Xander, you were… thinking about me?" He stuck his tongue to the back of his teeth and leered.

Now it was her turn to roll her eyes. "Don't push it."

Spike's gaze changed into one of observance. She didn't need to ask what he was thinking about; one raised eyebrow would get him to talk. He shrugged, smiling a little. "You just… you look… happy."

"I see," she muttered. "Now that I'm not screwed up anymore, I'm not so appealing."

He looked hurt. "That's not what I meant. And is that how you think of me?"

"I don't know what to think of you."

He gave an incredulous laugh and turned around.

She raised her voice. "I thought I knew you, Spike, but I guess I don't."

"No, you don't." He turned to face her again in anger. "Buffy, I have a soul now, lest you forget. All about helping others, saving the helpless." His shoulders relaxed as well as his expression, and he looked calmer. "And there are more of them in LA."

"When did you even start to like Angel?"

Now he got furious. "It's not about Angel. It's not about anybody. For the first time, it's about _me_. I need to do this."

"Well, then, congratulations, Spike," she shot back. "You did what all the important men in my life did. You fled."

"Don't see you biting your arm off for me either."

She used all the self-control she had to hold herself in place. If she didn't, there was no guarantee there would be an argument a few seconds after.

Spike looked at her in wonder. "Surprised you're even here. Don't tell me. Bad break up killed the desire to stay in the City of Romance?"

She closed her eyes, tired. "What are you babbling about now?"

"I was at your apartment in Rome. Andrew said…"

Her eyes shot open. "Andrew knew!" she roared. "That little weasel!"

"I asked him to keep it between us," Spike defended quietly.

She stared at him in shock, and her lower lip almost fluttered. "I… can't look at you anymore." She turned around, clutching her long jacket tighter to her body. "Do you know what really hurts?" She didn't get a response and she wasn't waiting for one. "Sometimes when I'm lying in bed, one sentence keeps going around in my head, driving me insane."

"Buffy…"

"You didn't believe me," she said in hushed tones, hoping he wouldn't detect the tremble. "I chose you over my friends, Spike. I kept choosing you. Over every single one of them." She peered at him over her shoulder, tears gathered in her eyes. "If that wasn't love, then I don't know what it was."

And then it was her turn to leave. She was relieved that he didn't follow her.

~*~*~*~

Buffy struggled with her keys as she held the groceries in one arm. They were propped against her tilted thigh to avoid an accident. She sure was not going to shop for groceries for a third time this week.

Inside her apartment, she found Xander on the couch, watching an episode of _Scrubs_ on TV. The small pink crib was right next to him where Andrea lay asleep.

The sound of the door opening made Xander turn his head around to look at her. They had a moment of eye contact before Xander's eye shifted to gaze at the grocery bags in her hands. She felt ridiculous at the heavy silence between them – Dr. Cox's rant on TV doubled her irritation instead of amusing her like usual- so she figured the best way to break the awkwardness was to do something.

Instinctively, Buffy walked toward the crib and peered down at her sleeping daughter. She silently placed the grocery bags on the table and then gently lifted the sleeping baby into her arms. She didn't rock her or whisper to her; she just gazed at her silently. Thankfully, the noise from TV stopped. She glanced at the TV and noted the 'mute' sign, before looking down at her daughter again. Little black hairs came out of the small bucket hat, which almost made Buffy smile. She had wanted to buy it regardless of the high price. Xander thought it was unnecessary, seeing as Andrea was too little for hats like these, but she had argued that she wanted Andrea to look nice when she walked her outside in the park or the mall. Xander wasn't convinced; he thought a Beanie would be more suitable, but in the end they agreed to buy her both.

Andrea stirred a little in her arms, but didn't wake up. She was adorable, so cute and little. It was heartbreaking that nothing in that adorable face looked like Buffy. It would have helped a little. Maybe.

She felt Xander's hand brush her shoulder and then heard him whisper very softly, as if not to ruin the moment, "Lasagna?"

Eyes still on Andrea, she responded with a quick nod, making a few strands of hair bounce. She heard his soft chuckle followed by the sound of him taking the grocery bags to the kitchen.

As if on cue, her cell phone rang, disturbing the peace. She sighed, placing Andrea back in the crib before taking the phone out of her pocket.

It was Dawn.

"Hello?" Buffy answered in a whisper, gazing down at Andrea, who didn't seem to have been bothered by the phone ringing.

"So, did you talk with Spike?"

Buffy smirked and walked a little further from the crib. "I thought you didn't care about Spike."

"I don't. But I care about the future of my niece."

Buffy shook her head and walked to the kitchen, waved until Xander noticed her, then pointed at the cell phone and then toward her room. When she saw him nodding, she walked to her room and locked the door behind her.

"Andrew knew," she said, heading away from the door.

Dawn gasped. "That sleazy little bastard."

Buffy stood by the window, gazing down at the darkness of the street. "I've threatened to kick his ass for a lot of different things and never followed through, but this is the last straw," she hissed.

"I can't get around the fact that Andrew _actually_ kept a secret."

"Because of his damn tape, I ended up sleeping with Xander, getting pregnant, and was forced to name my kid Andrea…"

"But Andrea is cute," Dawn cut her off with a little squeal.

Buffy glared at the empty street. "What if I wanted to name her Susan?"

"Susan? Seriously?"

"Whatever. I would've liked to have the option."

"You wouldn't have had it, anyway. Xander was the one to name the baby girl, according to your stupid agreement."

Buffy gave a frustrated sigh while watching a girl in the window across from hers. She was spread out on a couch, chatting happily on the phone. When she noticed Buffy gazing, she glared and quickly got up to pull the curtains close.

"I don't think he's the same guy, Dawn," Buffy said, unsure what their conversation was about. "I guess I should hear him out first. It's the fair thing to do, and maybe his answers won't hurt me."

The crisp wind flew in from the open window and ruffled the curtains. It blew on her hair, leaving her neck bare. She closed her eyes, feeling the coolness wash all over her, paying no attention to her body shivering in the thin blouse.

She opened her eyes when she heard Dawn whisper her name and brushed away a stray strand of hair that the wind blew across her mouth.

"He chose to fight side by side with Angel. He didn't even bother to give me a call." One call would have been enough. Even if it would have broken her heart to know that he picked Angel over her, she would at least have known that he wasn't gone. Maybe then she would be able to move on.

"Wait a second. Spike was working in the evil law firm with Angel?"

She turned away from the window when her hair started to get out of control. "Didn't I mention that?"

"No, if you'd have mentioned that, I wouldn't have pushed you to talk to that stupid son of a gun!"

Buffy winced, placing the cell phone between her ear and shoulder as she twisted her hair into a knot she could hold over her head. "Don't shout. Your voice gets squeaky. And you can't pull off 'son of a gun,' so never use it again."

"How can you even stand to be in the same room with him?"

Holding the phone in her hand again, she defended, "Look, things over there were probably more complicated than Angel turning into the Angelus version of Johnnie Cochran."

"It's an evil law firm, Buffy. What's complicated about that?"

Buffy smiled. "Sometimes I forget you're five years younger than me."

"Oh, shut up."


	5. Chapter Five

 

** Chapter Five: **

 

** **

 

 

Buffy held up a cute little black dress and admired the play of sparkles all over it. The witch hat that went with it was cone shaped with a glittery star in the front. The best part of the outfit was the small magic wand with the shining star on top. Andrea would make such a cute little Sabrina wearing this, even though it was a little bigger than her actual size. Unconsciously, she returned it to the rack, knowing that it was inappropriate to dress her daughter as a witch for Halloween.

She gazed yearningly at the pretty costume, and then it hit her. Why wasn't she buying it? Because Willow would get angry? Well, Willow wasn't here anymore. It had been months since the last time Buffy had heard from her. Last time they'd talked, Willow was in San Francisco, but then she'd mysteriously disappeared. Dawn had brushed aside the mere suggestion of Willow being kidnapped, telling Buffy that Willow had spoken to her before she took off. Apparently, there was a witchy-type matter that Willow needed to take care of, and she would return once it was done. How long would it take? No one knew. Buffy used to think that Giles did. He seemed to have an idea about where exactly Willow was – apparently, Willow had talked to him, too- but Giles wasn't sure if she had told him the truth.

Buffy was about to check out other costumes when she stopped right in place. Willow could have called. She could have mailed a letter or sent a text message. She didn't. She reverted to the cliché, one already done by Buffy herself. Not to mention that Willow should have known better; she was the one who had cried her eyes out because Oz had gone AWOL, no letters or phone calls. That sort of inconsiderate act deserved the consequences - the humiliation of an unwanted 'Welcome Home' party and finding an ex-girlfriend shacking up with a lesbian.

Nodding affirmatively, Buffy grabbed the witch costume and turned around toward the cashier, hitting a solid chest.

She blinked and gazed up at Spike. How long had it been since she last saw him? Probably more than two weeks. She'd tried seeing him again after they'd parted that night, but the nice woman behind the counter had told her that the spunky blond man had left the building the night before. Buffy had considered asking her Slayers to locate Spike's place again, but thought against it. The ball was in Spike's court this time, and if he wanted to see her, he'd find her.

"I thought vampires didn't shop for Halloween," she mused.

He gave a lopsided smile. "Well, they _are_ Halloween."

She smiled and walked around him to the cashier. "What are you doing here?"

He shrugged, following her. "Last time we met, we didn't leave on best of terms. Thought I owed you an apology."

"You took your time with that," Buffy said, teasing, if a little irritated.

Spike looked elsewhere, appearing guilty.

"Thank you," she said, sincerely, standing in the line. "Guess I owe you one myself."

"Appreciated," he replied, looking down at the costume she had in her hands. "This for the little bird?"

Buffy nodded, not sure if she had mentioned it to Spike that she had a baby girl, but she figured the dress gave it away.

"What's her name?" There was so much tenderness in his voice that Buffy wondered if it was because he loved babies or because this one was hers.

"Andrea," she whispered, trying to match his softness.

"Beautiful name."

"She was named after Andrew."

She quickly looked up to catch his reaction, and it didn't disappoint. She laughed at his incredulous expression, which was more pronounced than when he'd found out she had slept with Xander.

Taking one step forward in the line, she asked, "So, what are you up to these days?"

"Playing _Catch Me If You Can_ with the Slayer bint," he replied with some vehemence in his voice.

"Haven't found her yet?" Buffy asked, worried. She'd forgotten all about Thief Slayer with the new complications in her life. The original plan had been to get back to the castle with Xander after she gave birth, but now that Xander had changed his mind, Buffy wasn't sure what her next move was. She wanted to be in the action, rather than being informed about new developments from Leah or Satsu, but she didn't want to part from her daughter. She was still undecided, but for the meantime she'd chosen to stay a little longer, which seemed to make Xander happy. She had resumed her Slayer activities with the girls, but she always came back to Andrea at night.

"Found one flat she stayed in, but the chit isn't dense. She never sticks to one hiding place."

Buffy eyed everyone around. Fortunately, none of the shoppers seemed interested in their conversation. Everyone was preoccupied with Halloween shopping. "Tell me what you know about her and I'll help," she said to Spike seriously.

"You got your Halloween bit going on…"

"Which I can still have. I've got my Slayer squad to take care of it at our Command Central. "

He raised an eyebrow at her before looking straight ahead as they made another step forward in the line, mouthing an amused 'Wow.'

She smiled, a little bitter. "Guess you didn't care enough to even ask about how I'm getting on."

He gave her a swift glance. "Reem Al Nasser. She's from Saudi Arabia. Mum didn't give much away, whole crap about reputation and what not." He snorted.

"I saw her, so I don’t need a physical description." There were two men in the line in front of her. "How did you find her parents?"

"They were in LA. Summer vacation. Girl ran off on them, and they called the best detective in the city. All secretive, no need for the public to find out about the family disgrace." He snorted. "Family's so uptight, can't believe they sought a vampire's help."

"They were probably desperate."

He gave another halfhearted snort.

"What exactly did she do to Angel?" she asked, curiosity mingled with concern.

"Paralyzed him," Spike spat out in a low voice.

"What?" Buffy hissed with horror. "How?"

His eyes were on her now. "Magic."

The man in front of her moved, but Buffy was frozen in place. "I didn't know. Oh, God, Angel." She heard several groans behind her, ordering her to move.

Spike snorted, pushing Buffy gently forward. "Here's a hypocrite," he scoffed.

"What?" she said, still in shock over the news she'd just heard.

"You get down on me for not stalking you when you've never talked to Angel about him taking over Wolfram and Hart."

She blinked away her shock to send him a glare. "It's different and you know it."

He returned her glare. "You didn't even ask about how I was brought back."

"I wanted to, but you brushed it away with your 'I've got a mission' thing," Buffy retorted. She reached the counter and handed the costume to the clerk.

"Think I better go," was a whisper she heard in her ear. She turned her head to where he stood, but there was no Spike. He was already on his way out the door.

"Spike, wait!" she yelled, taking a step toward the door. A rough hand grabbed her arm. She looked back at an angry, overweight redheaded man.

"Get on with it, lassie. We've got lives, too."

She gazed back at the door for a second before she turned her attention to the clerk.

~*~*~*~

Her head rested on the door of her apartment, the fingers of her right hand clutching the key in the door's lock. Her left hand held on tight to the bag that contained Andrea's Halloween costume. Spike had killed her enthusiasm for Halloween and everything about it. She didn't even feel like she wanted to go into her place.

She shook her head, clearing her thoughts and starting fresh with an exhale. Twisting the key to unlock the door, she pushed it open, looking at the floor as she walked inside.

"Hi."

Buffy's head shot up, her eyes going wide at the sight of Dawn sitting on the couch facing the TV with Andrea's crib next to her. Buffy gave the door a gentle push with her back, her eyes not leaving Dawn as a smile flitted across her lips. "What are you doing here?" she asked happily, walking toward her sister.

Placing the bag down, she pulled Dawn into a hug, feeling Dawn's arms envelop her tightly. Pressing tighter into the embrace, Buffy buried her nose in Dawn's shoulder and smelled the lovely scent of perfume. When she pulled away from the hug, she took a look at her sister. Dawn was wearing light makeup, her long hair loose around her shoulders, clad in a Calvin Klein shirt and dark jeans. She looked older and twice as beautiful.

Dawn shrugged. "I just wanted to get away from all the hype. My friends regress to kindergartners at Halloween."

"What about Kenny?"

Dawn waved the question off. "He's gonna do the whole costume thing with his buds, and you know how I hate to dress up for Halloween."

"Well, we are going to have a Halloween party at the castle, so you'll find everything you ran away from here."

"As long as I don't see my boyfriend acting dumb, it's all good."

"Won't you be missing classes?" Buffy asked.

"I paid someone to record the lectures for me. And… I kinda missed you guys. Couldn't wait for Thanksgiving break," she said bashfully.

Buffy smiled at her and peered at the sleeping Andrea in the crib. She brushed the soft cheek of her daughter lightly, unable to get herself to listen to Dawn's babble about college and Kenny's Halloween activities. She heard Xander's voice as he came out of the kitchen. He laughed and joked with Dawn, but Buffy couldn't bring herself to share their joy because Andrea's sleeping face was more attractive.

She pressed a little on the chubby cheek, wishing it would wake Andy up. She loved it when she woke up. They would lock eyes together and somehow Andrea would actually look like Buffy.

She jumped a little when a soft hand rested on her shoulder. Looking behind her, she found a worried Xander with a questioning eye.

She forced a smile and moved away from the crib, focusing her vision on Dawn, who rushed toward them with two plastic bags.

"Got you guys some presents!" she squealed. "This is for you." She handed Buffy a bag.

Buffy took out a small pink book from the bag titled 'The Power of Social Intelligence.' She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow at her gleeful sister. "Thanks, Dawn."

Dawn beamed and gave her a cute little shrug, then handed Xander his bag. He pulled out a colored DVD case. "Walk Away the Pounds," he read. He lowered the DVD from his face, looking at Dawn with a pout. "Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Well, since you're done with Slayerdom and you did a lot of work to be Fit Leader Xander, I'd hate for that to go to waste, so…" She gestured toward the DVD. "Easy and simple, just to keep you in shape."

Buffy sighed as she watched Xander shrug and give Dawn a side-hug of thanks. With her book in her hand, she walked toward her room.

"Buffy?" Xander called after her with worry.

"I'm beat. Need a little shut eye," she muttered. With some effort, she looked at Dawn with a smile. "Glad you're here."

Dawn returned the smile, even though it didn’t reach her eyes. Once in her room, Buffy tossed the book onto the dresser and threw herself on the bed.

~*~*~*~

She was still tossing and turning under the blanket for an hour – actually, _two_ hours of irrepressible movements. It had been a long time since she was able to drift off to sleep the second her head hit the pillow, so long that she couldn't remember the last time it had happened. She used to toss and turn for hours waiting for her mother to fall asleep so she could start her nightly routines. Those patrols she was forced to do that had interfered with her social life, but were necessary nonetheless.

She sealed her eyes closed, pressing hard on her eyelids, trying to break away from memory lane. Her right toes rubbed against the left ones, her legs about to burst into flames, even though she felt so cold she was shaking. It was strange, since tonight wasn't as cold as she was used to in Scotland. She hugged her body into a ball, blowing hot breath under the blanket to make herself warm.

Behind her closed eyes, she pictured that wide new world. The one she pictured every night. It wasn't hard to see or reach out to; all she needed to do was to press harder on her eyelids, keeping them shut.

Giant things were soaring all over the place. Pictures of things that meant nothing cut through dark roads. Triangles, squares, even fluffy small things were flying. All passed her by before they vanished, never coming back, like they were hiding from something, somewhere else. There were a lot of dark streets. Gigantic buildings, so high she couldn't see their tops. The world was crazy but its contents flew in organization, whatever organization meant in such a free world.

In these particular hours of every night, she would get that sense of magic, the sense of belonging to this dark free world. She wondered if others saw what she saw, felt what she felt. That was when she started to panic.

Would she see their faces here?

No, this was _her_ world. No one shared it with her. She would commit a murder if she saw one of them here. She would be a killer. Should she swear it?

After that brief sense of fear, she started to feel freedom again, filling the huge space inside the doors of her eyes. She didn't know how to jump into that absolute freedom, no gravity, no bonds.

Then suddenly, she heard a familiar cry.

Her eyes shot open. The darkness that greeted her was her dim room. Reality washed all over her with every childish wail. She forced herself to sit up and gazed at her sweat-covered pillow. Andrea's screams increased, forcing her to rub her eyes awake and race out of her room.

~*~*~*~

The smell of coffee refreshed her drowsy brain. She eyed the cup in Dawn's hand with envy. She knew Dawn was too selfish to make coffee for anyone but herself.

Dawn sat down across from Buffy on the kitchen table, taking in the fresh scent of her coffee. "So, how are the Halloween decorations at the castle going?" she asked, bringing the cup to her lips.

"I wanna see Spike."

Dawn choked on the coffee in her mouth and threw down her cup when drops of the hot liquid came spattering down onto her shirt. "Are you crazy?" she shouted as she reached over for a napkin and started to vigorously wipe at the coffee that was already starting to stain.

"Oops," Buffy whimpered, taking another napkin and reaching for the stain.

"You can't leave your daughter on her first Halloween," Dawn went on, getting away from Buffy's helping hand, her eyes shooting daggers.

"But you can," Buffy pointed out, the whole coffee incident forgotten. "You can talk to Spike. Maybe give him a note from me."

Dawn threw the napkin in the trash can. "I'm not gonna play Nelly to your Catherine and Heathcliff," she said, hands planted on her hips.

"I don't want him to come here," Buffy exclaimed. "Just point out a place where we can meet later."

Dawn bit the inside of her mouth. "I don't know, Buffy." She shook her head, heading to the coffee maker.

"C'mon, wouldn't it be great if you saw Spike again?" Buffy asked in her sweetest voice, hoping that she could appeal to Dawn somehow. "Maybe you two could…"

"What?" Dawn turned around giving Buffy a meaningful stare.

Buffy shrugged, sitting down again. She started to play innocently with the unused napkin.

"Buffy, please, promise you won't pressure me into even shaking hands with Spike."

Buffy looked at her. "Yeah, but see, Dawn…"

"Hey, I didn't pressure you to fix things with Giles."

She placed the napkin down on the table, frowning. "Fixing what? There's nothing to fix between me and Giles?"

"I'm not dumb, Buffy. I know." Before Buffy could respond, Dawn went on, "But I'm staying out of it, even though it hurts."

Buffy stared at her for seconds. "Hurts. Hurts you?"

Dawn looked away. "Do you realize how hard it was not having him around for Christmas? Or Thanksgiving or New Year's Eve? He wasn't even there on your birthday, and he only got to meet Kenny over the phone. It's like the whole thing with Mom and Dad's divorce again."

"Dawn, I'm…" Buffy started, feeling guilty, even though she shouldn't. It wasn't her fault Giles had distanced himself from them. She wanted to point out that she did invite Giles for her birthday; it was he who decided not to show up. Somehow it seemed easier to have Dawn blame her for it than Giles. Buffy hadn't been sure about Giles' place in Dawn's life, but right now it was obvious how important he was to her. She saw him as a father. It must be killing her to think that he'd abandoned them just like their real father did.

"You've still got issues with him," Dawn said in a low voice. "Been there. Albeit with someone else, but I know how you feel." She looked down at her shifting feet, trying to control the waver in her voice.

Buffy stood up, and reached out a comforting hand that Dawn brushed off.

"Don't butt in, Buffy," Dawn warned, her eyes hard and bright. "Because you won't like it if I butt in with your life." With that said, Dawn's attention went to the coffee maker.


	6. Chapter Six

 

** Chapter Six: **

 

 

 

 

Pouring more wine, Buffy gazed at the decorations in the main hall of the castle. This Halloween actually looked like Halloween. Never underestimate teenage girls' imaginations. She took a sip as her eyes took in the happy expressions of her Slayers, and she smiled fondly at the faces she was able to recognize.

Rowena looked beautiful in that long wig; maybe she would suggest that Rowena grow her hair longer. But then, Buffy hated butting in on others' fashion sense, unless she was taunting vampires. Speaking of vampires, how lame was Mona's costume? Buffy had hated dressing up as a vampire for Halloween the second she'd been told they were real. It felt derivative somehow.

A smile curled her lips when she saw Xander approaching with Andrea in his arms. He was wearing that old gray outfit that he'd barely taken off when they were still living in here. There were times she actually thought he had slept in it.

"So, you're going as Xander?" she asked, looking him up and down.

"Ex-warrior Xander," he said with a grin. "One who resigned for the dutiful duties of parenthood." He leaned down, rubbing his nose against Andrea's. "Isn't she the cutest little witch?"

"For some reason, that sounded disturbing," Buffy commented with a head shake. She took a sip from her wine, noticing Xander's critical stare. She wasn't breastfeeding anymore, so she knew she wasn't doing anything wrong. Thankfully, Xander didn't comment on it.

"Here," he said instead and handed Andrea to her. "Anna brought a date. Gonna do my big brother act."

Buffy frowned. "A date?"

"Pizza delivery guy," Xander explained.

"Oh, that makes sense."

"There, take her," Xander urged. "Gotta have my revenge."

Buffy rolled her eyes, holding Andrea with her left hand, while her right hand still held the wine. "C'mon, Xander, she said she was sorry. And she did buy you Twister."

"Twister won't bring back my light saber." He gave Andy one last kiss before going off to punish poor Anna.

Buffy smiled down at Andrea, who blinked at her with curiosity. Most people would think it was weird to dress a five-week-old baby in a Halloween costume, especially with a magic wand attached to her costume, but not Buffy. The photos they had taken of Andrea right before they had left for the party were adorable. Dawn had given her a huge list of threats to get a promise out of Buffy that she would develop some photos for her as soon as possible.

Speaking of Dawn, Buffy saw her approaching them, laughing at a joke Leah had just told. She was wearing a plain black satin gown, very simple but chic. It clung beautifully to her body, showing curves Buffy never thought Dawn had.

"So, decided against the costume?" Buffy asked.

"Actually I'm going as Christina Aguilera before she Stripped," Dawn said with a raise of her chin. "This is me 'Turning to You,'" she explained as she pointed to herself.

Dawn stared at Buffy's familiar Calvin Klein shirt and dark jeans, both appearing a little loose on Buffy's shorter and slimmer body. "And who are you going as?"

"You." Buffy beamed. "A Dawn taking a break from college to visit her prettier sis."

"You're pathetic."

Buffy raised the glass of wine in the air. "Guilty as charged." Then she drank what was left in one gulp.

Dawn pursed her lips. "Guess the same could apply to me after what I just did, but to a lesser degree. I mean, you snuck into my room and stole my clothes. They haven't even been washed." At Buffy's careless shrug, Dawn shuddered. "What was I saying?"

"You did something?" Buffy guessed, shooting Dawn a hard stare. "What did you do?"

"With that hostile attitude, you're making me regret it."

"Dawn."

"Anyway, I was at the Central Command, and I know where we can find Spike," Dawn confessed. "He's in a pub called Bow Bar. It's on Victoria Street in the Old Town. It's small, so it might be hard to spot. Better ask around once you reach Victoria Street."

Buffy's mouth parted a little, holding Andrea closer. Dawn shifted under her gaze, looking a little awkward, which felt peculiar. Grown up, confident Dawn had left the building, leaving behind the apprehensive little girl Buffy knew back in Sunnydale.

Dawn gave an uncomfortable smile. "Was about to do it the hard way, but thank God for magic. One simple locator spell, and voila, there be Spike."

Buffy moved closer and hugged Dawn gently, trying not to squish Andrea between them. She felt Dawn take hold of Andy, freeing Buffy's arms from the small bundle. Buffy drew back, looking into Dawn's face, reassurance in her sister's eyes.

"Go. I'll cover up."

Buffy smiled gratefully and turned to leave.

"Oh, and Buffy?"

She looked back at Dawn.

"We used the locator spell to find more than just Spike."

~*~*~*~

It wasn't as hard as Dawn had said. Buffy quickly spotted it, a blue-painted bar with large windows. She could see why someone would miss it though, it was quite small. Inside, the pub looked quite pretty. There weren't many people in there, so she was quickly able to get the bartender's attention. The funny look on his face when he saw her indicated that young people didn't frequent this pub. She dismissed the disappointed expression when she told him she wasn't here for 'real ale,' but for a punk-looking bleached man.

"This is not an inn," the bartender explained as he walked Buffy to the back of the bar. "But we can't resist a young bloke who appreciates a pint of 80."

Buffy nodded dismissively. Sunnydale had had one or two pubs, but she hadn't ever been to one. Once, Spike had told her that it wasn't even close to the real thing, which was probably right, because there was a certain 'feel' about this one that she couldn't put her finger on.

The bartender left her standing in front of a well-decorated door. For a second, she thought about kicking it open, old habits and such. But then she figured they were a little too mature for that now. Plus, this wasn’t the crypt, so she politely knocked.

Spike opened the door with a raised eyebrow. He clearly knew it was her knocking.

She beamed. "Hi."

"Hi," he said, a little suspicious. "Fancy seeing you here."

"Never thought I'd see you sleeping in a bar like this." She peered at his room. "Never thought bars had bedrooms."

"Slip a bloke some cash." He shrugged. "And they've got good single malt whisky," he added. She made an 'O' with her lips and nodded at the expected answers. He looked a little uncomfortable at her presence, and she didn't know why she thought it was cute. "Want to come in?" he finally asked.

"Actually, I think I can help you with that mission you told me about."

~*~*~*~

"Do you need an invite?" Buffy asked Spike in a haste.

"Hotel room isn't her home," he explained. "'Less her stay is permanent."

Buffy nodded. "Guess we'll find out." This time, she happily kicked the door open, revealing a medium-sized room. Lovely decorations of medieval times greeted her as she and Spike let themselves in. The Slayer in question was on the couch, looking like she had been watching TV. On her lap rested a bowl of popcorn, which reminded Buffy of the stolen groceries. She pushed that thought away.

Reem – her name according to Spike- was startled at their intrusion. She automatically hugged the bowl closer to her chest until her eyes landed on Spike. She immediately recognized him because she placed the popcorn on the couch and assumed a fighting stance.

Buffy approached, keeping a resolved face. "Let's talk," she said. "Slayer to Slayer."

Reem frowned. "Slayer?"

"It's who you are," Buffy replied gently.

"You mean that's the reason why I've been strong for a while now?" Reem asked, interested.

"That dense, are you?" Spike ridiculed. “And here I thought you Slayers came with a built-in handbook."

Buffy frowned at that remark but said nothing.

"It's not like I had someone to ask," Reem retorted before turning her attention to Buffy. "Can you tell me? About what's happened to me," she asked imploringly.

Buffy nodded, not knowing why she felt a sudden sympathy toward the girl. Certainly, she knew older rogue Slayers she was barely keeping in touch with lately, ones she had given up on, but something about a teenage Slayer with powers she didn't understand made Buffy twist a little with guilt. "I will," she promised. "But you have to go back to LA."

Reem's mouth twitched. "Not a chance."

"It's not up to you, you…" Spike was interrupted by Buffy raising her hand, indicating for him to say nothing.

"Then, we fight," Buffy said.

"Fair fight?" Reem asked, giving Spike a glance.

"As long as you don't use your mojo on me, we're fine."

"Mojo?" she exclaimed.

Spike wiggled his fingers. "Witchy powers."

Reem cast Spike another withering look that said 'I know what mojo means,' and then turned her attention to Buffy. "I don't do mojo. I'm Muslim," she said, already leaping at Buffy.

Buffy, ready for her, ducked and avoided the punch. "Thought Muslim women wore scarves." She swung a leg at Reem, making her lose balance. Buffy jumped at her and positioned herself on her, holding her still.

"How stereotypical," Reem retorted. "And they're called hijab." Then, she spit in Buffy's eyes.

Buffy unconsciously backed away and rubbed her sleeve on her closed eyes in disgust. All of a sudden, she felt her hair being pulled back painfully. She screamed, "Ow! That's cheating."

"The deal was," Reem pulled harder, "no 'mojo' from me." She grabbed the popcorn bowl and tossed it at Buffy, and salty unpopped kernels hit her in the eyes. Buffy screamed when she felt her eyes burn. "No helping boyfriend from you," Reem went on as she kicked Buffy's back harshly. "Nothing about hair pulling."

Tears gathered in Buffy's eyes but it didn't stop her from swiftly grabbing Reem's arms. She swung Reem over her head, causing her body to fall and smack onto the floor. Reem let out a painful cry. Buffy didn't waste a second as she positioned her body again above Reem's and covered Reem's mouth with her hand. From the brief fighting match, Buffy could see that Reem wasn't a fighter. She just relied on her Slayer strength. Buffy remembered Spike's comment about this girl dusting five vampires, which was most likely just a coincidence.

"New rules. You start talking now." She leaned closer toward the frightened girl's face, her other hand taking a hold of Reem's hair. "And if you so as much touch a hair on my recently pampered head, I'm gonna pull on these hairs 'til there's no more. Got that?" She tugged on the blonde locks once to reinforce her threat.

Reem nodded rapidly.

Buffy let go of the girl's mouth, her hard stare unwavering. Reem took a deep breath and stared pointedly at Buffy's shirt, apparently recognizing the expensive brand. "That's a nice shirt," she commented.

Buffy fought the urge to wrap her arms around Dawn's shirt, still affected by the stolen groceries.

"I was going to buy one of those for college," Reem went on, not meeting Buffy's gaze.

"It's not too late for that," Buffy reasoned, her arms loosening their grip on the body under her. Her face started to lose the firm stare.

A flicker of emotions passed across Reem's eyes and then vanished completely. "What do you want from me?"

Buffy felt a little disappointed at the change of attitude and changed hers back as well. "Undo the curse you put on Angel."

"And then what?"

"What do you mean?"

"The vampire gets back to normal, and I get back to my sucky, directionless life. Is that it?"

"If you lift the curse, Angel will drop the case," Spike said, startling Buffy. She'd almost forgotten he was in the room. "Your family will have to find another investigation agency."

Buffy studied his determined expression, unsure how to feel about how much he cared about Angel.

"Don't move!"

Buffy and Spike's heads snapped toward the door –which they idiotically had left open- and saw a security guard standing by the door pointing a gun at them. The frightened face of one of the hotel's employees was peeking at them from behind the guard's shoulder.

Buffy felt her heart beginning to race, not so much because of the suspicious picture they were outright giving the officer, but because if she was arrested, the police would find out about her 'other' crimes, which might lead the US government to their hiding place.

"Help me, please! They're trying to kill me!" Reem pleaded.

Buffy turned her gaze to the girl under her in shock, but then she realized that her shock showed how foolish she actually was.

Suddenly, she heard a frightened scream and a curse from the door before she was snatched by strong hands. Spike pulled her to the window, so fast she could barely see a thing, his arm holding her to his chest. All of a sudden, Spike turned around, leaving her looking directly at the security guard, who appeared to have snapped out of his shock. He quickly pointed the gun at them, and then Buffy heard the shot, but didn't see it because Spike was already throwing them both out the window, breaking the glass with his back. They fell from the third floor with Spike's body positioned under hers.

She let out a terrified gasp, clutching Spike's arm around her chest. The torture of falling down didn't last long. They hit the solid ground in seconds and all she could hear was Spike's pained grunt. She knew it was time for her to take the lead.

She quickly stood and helped him up – noticing that he was donning his vampire face - then dragged him away from the street, trying to get away from the hotel. She didn't let go of Spike's arm at all as she ran through the empty streets until they went down an alley.

She dropped Spike's arm and fell to her knees, gasping for air. "Guess we're far enough," she wheezed.

The hushed groans she heard behind her had her spinning around, startled. Spike was leaning his back against the wall with his right hand clutching his left upper arm, where blood was pouring down. She rushed toward him in a second, both hands gently touching the injured arm while her eyes checked the wound in fright.

"We need to get the bullet out," she said in full Slayer mode.

"It's all right," he gritted out. His face slipped back into its smooth human planes.

"No, it's not all right." She stood up, eyes unsuccessfully searching around for a bar, though she knew she wouldn't find one in the empty alley. Then she leaned closer to him and touched his shoulder gently until he looked at her face. "Wait here. I'll be back."

She ran out to the street, her head moving from right to left until she spotted a nearby pub. She didn't stop until she hit the counter where the bartender stood. "I need a bottle of something strong. Now."

She didn't trouble herself with the sounds of the people inside the pub, curious about her jumpy behavior. She threw a few bills on the counter, grabbing the bottle from the stunned bartender, who didn't get the chance to open it. She stomped on an old man as she hurried outside. The fact that she overpaid for one bottle of hard liquor didn't matter.

She found Spike in the same position she had left him, except he was looking less pained. Dropping on her knees next to him, she worked her Slayer strength to open the bottle and almost broke it.

"Thanks," Spike grunted, taking the bottle from her hand and swallowing the hard liquor in loud gulps.

Buffy blinked, shocked as she watched the liquid vanish. Spike’s lips smacked together when he was done, and he tossed the empty bottle away.

Buffy's mouth opened and closed like a fish.

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Don't have to get rid of the bullet, Buffy. Movie trope." He pointed at himself. "Plus, vampire."

Blood rushed to her cheeks, and she dropped her gaze to the ground in embarrassment. She took off her shirt and started wrapping it around his arm to stop the heavy bleeding. She thought that leaving the bullet inside would lead to an infection but then, yeah, Spike was a vampire. She still thought that it might have some sort of effect, but she didn't want to risk a new sort of embarrassment since all her medical knowledge came from movies and TV shows.

She avoided looking at his face throughout the process, because she knew he was staring at her with _that_ look. Her heart had been racing ever since the security guard showed up in Reem's hotel room, and it didn't stop for a second. For some reason, it raced even more now. The silence between them was driving her nuts. She almost wished he would crack another joke at her naïve medicinal facts.

Once she was done, she just sat there and stared at his arm. Blood was creating ugly stains on Dawn's expensive shirt. Buffy hoped that Dawn wouldn't tell Xander about the real reason for her departure as revenge for her damaged shirt.

"Thanks," she heard him whisper.

Now she had the courage to look up, and then she wished she didn't. His face looked calm, his eyelids half opened, and yet the affection and gratitude shone bright and clear.

"No," she murmured. "Thank _you_."

She shivered slightly when a breeze blew over her exposed shoulders, and she just realized that she was wearing nothing but a top in the cold alley in the chilly Scottish weather. She cursed under her breath and chided herself for not wearing a jacket when she left the castle.

"Better wear this," Spike muttered, shrugging off his coat and handing it to her with his good hand.

It was her turn to raise an eyebrow. "Clichéd gentleman."

His eyebrows playfully shot up, wrinkling his forehead, and he drew the coat back. "If you don't want it…" He let the sentence hang.

Buffy snatched the coat from his hands with a huff, slipped it on, and then felt a little nostalgic. She'd never really worn a coat that belonged to Spike, not even his infamous duster, but the smell of cigarettes that clung to the coat brought a weird sense of reminiscence. It was like she could smell Sunnydale.

Spike rose with the help of the wall, bringing her out of the nostalgic sensation. She stood and helped him straighten up. Buffy wanted to lift his arm over her shoulders and support his body as they walked out of the alleyway, but it looked like Spike didn't need it. She just walked next to him in case he needed her.

"So, bitch won this time," Spike noted as they walked down the street.

Buffy wasn't sure how she felt about the whole situation. She couldn't help the feeling of guilt seeping into her since the situation was definitely her fault. If she hadn't activated all the potentials around the world, Reem would still be with her family, and Angel wouldn't have been hurt.

On the other hand, if the whole situation had never happened, she wouldn't have found Spike again. Old feelings of hurt and betrayal replaced the guilt. She wasn't sure why Spike didn't tell her; she couldn't believe the excuses he'd made. Why would she even care if he ruined his 'great exit'? Their relationship was never about that, was it?

She let out a sigh, watching her visible breath rise up and disappear. "Do you know more about her?" she asked. Any information about Reem might help all parties involved.

"Other than the obvious, nothing," Spike answered. "Told you, mum has a thing for reputation."

"So, her mother _only_ cares about reputation?" That got her thinking that perhaps Reem _needed_ the power Buffy had given her. But then, running away from home was never of the good. Buffy could only picture how devastated she would feel if Andrea would do such a thing in the future. Then again, maybe Reem's parents weren't that type of loving parents. From the looks of it, Reem seemed to dislike them a great deal.

Spike shrugged. "Dunno. Does it matter?"

Maybe that type of information wasn't really necessary to help out Angel, but Buffy felt it was her obligation to know about what drove Reem away. Spike's lack of interest was expected and unexpected at the same time. Expected because Reem had hurt someone he cared about, and that made her the enemy. Unexpected because that 'someone Spike cared about' was Angel.

"Why are you doing this?" she found herself asking.

He looked at her with a frown.

"Trying so hard to help Angel," she clarified.

Spike pursed his lips, looking ahead at the road. "Maybe 'cause I owe him one for sacrificing his life for mine."

"Angel sacrificed his life for you? Details, now," she exclaimed, causing him to chuckle softly.

She smiled at his reaction. Somewhere inside she knew he was just bluffing. It amazed her that Spike cared about Angel. She never thought she would live to see the day.

When they reached Buffy's place, she took off Spike's coat and handed it to him. He accepted it silently, and they nodded their goodbyes without exchanging a single word. Buffy made a step toward the building but stopped and looked over her shoulder at Spike to see him walking away. Something inside her told her that she should be walking him to the pub, but the rush of wind on her bare shoulders made her hurry inside the building.


	7. Chapter Seven

** Chapter Seven: **

Buffy walked around Spike's small room admiring the simple display of adornments on the walls. It wasn't exactly a bedroom, more like a stylish extra room for the staff. She didn't know why she had expected the room to be filled with dust and spider webs in every corner. She probably had unconsciously pictured the room to be closer to Spike's crypt in Sunnydale. Having thought that, her eyes landed on the vampire lighting a cigarette on the couch. 

"So, how's your arm?" 

"Peachy," Spike replied before he inhaled.

"Did you get the bullet out?" she asked, and though his face was hiding behind a cloud of smoke, she could tell he was giving her 'the look.' When she didn’t get an answer, she laughed. "I'm sorry. I just can't help being concerned."

"All taken care of," he answered. He drew the cigarette from his lips and looked at her with a small smile. "Worried about me, were you?" 

She cocked her head with a raised eyebrow. "What do you think?" That got her a broader smile. She moved close to him, waving off the smoke, and threw herself on the couch next to him with a bounce. She tilted her head back and gazed at the ceiling. Without European decorations, it wasn't that interesting to stare at. Her eyes wandered to more interesting items like the furniture. "You don't have a bed?" she asked when she noticed the most important thing in a bedroom missing.

"Don't really need one. Couch is enough." He blew out more smoke, making it hard for Buffy to look at him without coughing. Once, she had admitted that she was used to him smoking around her, but smoking right into her face was unbearable. He let out an apologetic smile at her coughing and blew the next puff of smoke away from her.

"So, what's up with your life?" he asked her all of a sudden. She blinked at him, bemused. "This is me asking about you," he replied casually. 

She gazed down at her very slender fingers, and wondered why she hadn't kept any of the pregnancy weight. "Well, I'm a mother now," she said, looking back at him. 

He laughed a little before he put out the cigarette. 

"What?" she asked. 

"Pictured you changing nappies." His eyes sparkled with laughter. It made her smile as she hit him playfully on the arm. 

"Well, it stinks, and I stink at it. So Xander mostly does it." One time she had seen Andrea's poop and she almost threw up. 

"I want to see her."

Buffy turned shocked eyes to Spike. Up until now, all Spike had wanted was to get Reem back to Angel; nothing in Scotland mattered more than that mission. "Yeah?" she asked, feeling a smile reach her lips. These times where they could just sit side by side and put the past behind them made it almost seem like they were back in Sunnydale. 

"She's part of you, ain’t she?" When he said it, he turned to look at her, a beautiful soft smile on his lips. She almost leaned in and brushed her lips against his, tasting the smoke with her tongue, pressing her nose against his. 

She blinked herself out of the sensation, looking up at amused blue eyes. Blood rushed to her cheeks and made her jump up, indignant. She didn't say a word as she exited his room –but she could hear the low snickers that were cut off once she slammed the door behind her.

~*~*~*~

"And you're gonna be there," Dawn ordered Kenny over the phone. "Because if you stand me up at the airport, I'm not gonna do that thing I promised with my teeth."

Buffy spat out the coffee she was sipping and shot Dawn a traumatized stare. 

Dawn's lips curled up slightly in a smirk. Buffy rolled her eyes and started to wipe her mouth. She wasn't sure she would be able to finish her breakfast now with the inappropriate images of her sister and her boyfriend running around in her head. Next to her at the table sat Xander, who didn't seem to hear a thing, considering the way he was stuffing his mouth with eggs. 

Dawn went back to talking to Kenny, which left Buffy to gaze at her unhappily. The day after tomorrow, Dawn would be going back to Berkeley. It hadn't been long since Buffy had found Dawn sitting in their living room on the couch next to Andrea's crib. Dawn's presence had made it feel like old times in Sunnydale. Although Buffy hadn't spent much time with her, just knowing that Dawn was at their apartment had Buffy feeling happy. 

Dawn hung up the phone and leaned back, releasing a dreamy little sigh. Xander wiggled his eyebrows at Buffy, making her smile, before taking his dirty plates to the sink. Dawn in love was a weird sight, but not an unpleasant one. 

Her love-struck sister bent her arm on the chair and leaned against it, looking at them. "You guys should try that dating thing. So refreshing." She looked at Xander. "Any new non-demon girls in your life lately, Xander?"

"Other than the three in this apartment? No."

Dawn's lips curved into a small teasing smile, similar to the smirk Buffy had seen innumerable times on Spike. So, naturally, Buffy knew Dawn was going to say something entertaining. "Whatever happened to your decision to become gay?"

The plate slipped from Xander's hand, and it took a few clumsy attempts to get a grip on it before he succeeded in preventing a crash. He let out a sigh of relief, turning heated eyes at Dawn. "Would you let that go already? I only said that once."

Dawn pretended to be lost in thought, and said as if she hadn't heard Xander, "I still remember how you went all George Michael on Willow that night." 

Buffy stared at Xander in amusement, waiting for his response. 

He turned back to the plates and busied himself with washing the dishes. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Dawn started to sing, "Gay me up, before you go, Will. 'Cause I'm so planning on going…"

Xander splashed some water at Dawn who ducked, laughing. 

Buffy's smile grew broader. "I know Andrew would be happy about it." She avoided her own water attack and let out a joyful squeal. She hid under the table and gestured for Dawn to come. Dawn pushed the chair she was using as a shield at Xander and hurried to the new shelter. 

Both sisters held each other tight while lost in a fit of giggles. They were saved by Andrea's wailing in the living room. "Shit, she's up," Xander said, and immediately left with a diaper bag that was ready on the counter. 

With mutual sighs of mock relief, Buffy and Dawn sat down at the table together. Buffy was about to happily resume eating her delicious breakfast when Dawn's unwelcome hand reached for her plate. 

"What's his deal?" Dawn asked as she took one of Buffy's pancakes. "He never got this upset whenever I brought up the subject."

Buffy held the plate away from Dawn with a significant 'You can make more for yourself' glare. "He's gonna start his new job on Monday, so we're getting a nanny." 

"So?" 

"He's not used to being away from Andy." 

Dawn made an 'awww' expression and then rested her head against her fist. "Why don't you watch her while Xander's at work? It's not like you have a job."

"I do," Buffy protested, putting a bite of pancake in her mouth. "Did you forget the castle? Besides, gotta find Reem with Spike."

Dawn grimaced at the incoherent words, but didn't reproach Buffy for speaking with her mouth full. "How are things going with Spike?" she chose to ask instead. 

"Practical. Though I promised to bring Andy over. Was that stupid?"

Dawn shook her head. "Of all the stupid decisions you've made, I don't see this as one." She smiled. "It's nice that he wants to see your daughter."

Buffy returned the smile. "I thought so, too. He was so focused on getting Reem back to LA, it came as a shock that he was interested in something else." Something that concerned her, more or less. 

"So, you're, what, sneaking her out of the apartment without Xander knowing?" Both of them glanced at in the direction of the living room as if they were able to see Xander changing Andrea's diaper. "Xander is spending more time than he used to with Andrea these days." 

If Buffy were to take Andrea to the park or the mall, Xander would definitely want to tag along. He would not part with Andrea, especially since he was going to be away from her for hours when he started his new job. 

"Maybe you should tell Xander about Spike," Dawn suggested. "I don't get why you're still keeping him in the dark."

Buffy smacked her fork on the table, causing Dawn to jump. "I got it."

~*~*~*~

Buffy sighed when Andrea made those noisy sucking sounds again while she drank her bottle, taking in too much air. Buffy wiggled her in her arms to a better angle. She tilted the bottle so that the nipple and neck were filled with formula and watched her daughter drink peacefully, smiling down at the innocence in those beautiful bright eyes. 

When Andrea spat out the nipple, Buffy figured she was done feeding. She wouldn't chance over-feeding her, especially after the vomiting episode three days ago. She put the bottle aside and cleaned the milk on Andrea's chin before she took off the baby bib. After she got Andrea to burp, she placed her in the crib.

There was a gentle knocking on the door. She gave her baby one last look to make sure she was comfortable before walking toward the door. She checked herself in the mirror and decided to lose the scrunchy that made her look years older. Giving her flat hair a few shakes that sort of brought it back to life again, she opened the door. 

Spike stood before her, wearing the same outfit he'd worn yesterday, which basically was the same outfit he'd worn since their first meeting in Edinburgh. He'd never been much of a clothes-changer, even when they had been living in Sunnydale. Somehow, though, he looked a little cleaner and different now, in an unexpectedly sophisticated sort of way. At least, unexpected to someone who didn't know him like Buffy did.

He gave an unsure lopsided smile, one that made her brush back the few strands of hair that fell over her eyes. Was he always that good-looking?

He nodded toward the apartment, waiting for his invite. She didn't hesitate when she whispered, "Come in."

He walked inside, hands in his pockets, and gazed around at the apartment with interest. She closed the door and leaned her back against it, watching his careful movements. She wished she could see his eyes, see what they were looking at, and know if they held any hint of criticism. 

He turned around to look at her with an amused grin. "Can't believe I still recognize Xander's scent." 

She crinkled her nose. "You vampires and your sniffing habits."

"Dawn's, too," he added with a fond smile, looking at a small picture of Buffy and Dawn on the console cabinet.

"Yeah, she's here for Halloween. She'll be back at Berkeley tomorrow." 

He looked back at her with a frown. "Wouldn't you rather be with her tonight?"

She shrugged. "Without Dawn, how could I get you to see Andrea?" When Buffy had pitched her idea to Dawn that Spike could come over when Xander was at work, Dawn thought it could work, but then the babysitter would be around. They couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't tell Xander. Dawn thought that she could get Xander out tonight so that Spike could come over, and Buffy didn't have any objections. 

"Where is she?" Spike asked offhandedly, but there was excitement in his expressive eyes.

"In the crib." She pushed herself away from the door and walked toward the living room area where Andrea's crib was. Spike followed her and stood on the opposite side of Buffy as he peered into the crib. She watched the play of emotions on his face and the affectionate smile that crept onto his lips. 

"She's beautiful," he whispered. 

"Like a mini version of Xander," Buffy said with a little laugh, hating how her voice had a touch of bitterness. 

Spike made a gesture to reach out a hand but stopped and looked at Buffy with uncertainty. She smiled reassuringly, giving him the permission he sought. He extended his hand inside the crib and softly touched Andrea's hair. Andrea looked at him with curiosity but didn't fret, and Buffy didn't expect her to. She knew how much of an attention hog her baby girl was. 

"She has your eyes," Spike said, his gaze not leaving Andrea. 

She looked into the emerald green eyes that stared at Spike. It was why Buffy loved Andrea more when she woke up. The color of her eyes was the only thing that resembled Buffy. 

"What does it feel like being a mum?" Spike asked.

"Scary," she replied. "For some reason, it feels scarier than… than facing a hell god that wanted to kill my kid sister." 

Andrea looked at nothing but Spike, slightly opening her lips, inviting Spike's finger into her mouth when he placed it above them. It made Spike's smile grow with fondness. 

"Sometimes I think she's gonna be a daddy's girl with the way Xander's spending time with her." Buffy swallowed a lump in her throat as she watched the tender scene in front of her. "He takes care of her more than I do."

"Mother's love is genuine," Spike said, not looking at her. "Nothing greater than that."

She looked down at Andrea again, who was still gazing at Spike, still engrossed in sucking his finger. When Spike pulled his finger gently out of her mouth, Andrea blinked before her face congested and she burst into a loud wail. With a tired sigh, Buffy reached in to pick up the crying baby.

"Hold her close," Spike said. "Let her hear your heartbeat."

She was about to snipe that she knew what she was doing, but kept her displeasure inside. The fact that she was upset made her daughter a bit crankier, especially with Buffy's inept rocking. When they first started to learn how to soothe Andrea's overtired crying, Buffy had gotten the hang of it faster than Xander had, but now she was only making her cries louder. She peered down at the crib and searched for the stupid pacifier. Xander had instructed not to rely on it in every emergency – he didn't want her to turn into a Maggie Simpson – but Buffy saw it as her last resort. 

"Can I?" Spike asked, extending his arms with a somewhat unsure expression on his face. 

She stared at him for a few seconds and thought about refusing, but Andrea's shrieks piercing holes into her brain didn't help that process at all. With hesitation, she handed her crying daughter to Spike and watched him put her in a love lock as he held her tightly. Buffy quickly reached for the pacifier and put it in Andrea's mouth, then stood there looking like the dumb mother she was and gazed at Spike, rocking her baby gently. 

It was as if she was watching Xander taking care of her, except Xander usually hummed a song to her. Spike, on the other hand, looked so calm and sure that Buffy wondered if he ever had taken care of a baby before. But then, Spike had always been chock full of surprises. What was even more surprising was that Andrea was calming down. She made a few little moans and then blinked sleepily, apparently enjoying the gentle rocking. 

Humiliation rose inside Buffy when Spike had finally gotten Andrea to sleep before tenderly placing her inside the crib. Buffy's right hand held her left in an uncomfortable gesture and then let go. Her body swayed slightly as a feeling of unease spread all over her. She didn't know what to do or say to stop the anger inside her. 

"Usually I get her to stop crying easily," she said defensively when Spike looked at her. 

"No need to be snippy," he muttered. "It happens to lots of mums. Sometimes they need a break."

Buffy sucked in her lips to stop herself from letting out a sour laugh. She could count on one hand the times she had soothed her daughter to sleep since they brought her home from the hospital. Xander was the one who did all the work and all she did was stare at her, waiting for her to wake up. Her dreams didn't include Andrea, not even once. Her thoughts didn't include her much either. 

Right now, she tried to picture Andrea on her graduation day, how proud she was going to be of her daughter. She imagined tears in her eyes and an overjoyed smile on her face… then she shuddered. The pride and affection she pictured herself feeling seemed silly, but it shouldn't. It was her daughter. She should naturally feel those things.

"So, is she a Harris or a Summers?" Spike's question brought her back to reality. She blinked at him a little. He was checking the living room and then looked back at her again.

"Both," she answered after a few seconds of thinking about the question she barely heard. "She's Andrea Summers Harris."

"No middle name?"

"Emily, but that'll make her name too long."

He pursed his lips, giving a small nod. His hands went to his pockets, and his eyes looked everywhere but at her. She knew he was on the edge, wanting to leave. She wanted him to leave, too. The room they were in seemed suffocating. Neither of them was sure what to say to break the silence, much less to find a way to end the conversation. 

"Spike?" 

He looked at her.

"Anything new on the situation with Reem?" His brows furrowed at her question. Good. Talking business would clear the uncomfortable atmosphere. "I can get some of the Slayers to break into her apartment."

"Got it covered," he said rapidly. 

She approached him and looked straight at him. "If you have a plan, I'm there." He opened his mouth to object, but she surprised herself when she placed a finger on his lips to imprison his words. "She's my responsibility." 

She looked into his eyes when she lowered her finger, feeling it throb in the places where it touched his lips, nose, and chin. They were too close, yet not touching. An invisible wall stood between them, too strong to break, too high to climb. She knew her breath was hitting his chin and could feel his fingers flutter in an itch to touch her without looking at them. Feel his chest getting closer without moving. But she didn't see any of that because she was busy staring at his eyes, those eyes that told her everything.

She knew he could hear the quickening beats of her heart, that he smelled the sweat on her palms, saw the passion in her eyes. _No, you don't, but thanks for saying it._ The air around them thickened, and her breath came faster. She would break the wall; she would make him believe. 

Andrea cried all of a sudden, and they backed away from each other reflexively. 

"Bugger," Spike cursed. 

She gave him a look before indicating the baby with her eyes.

He rolled his eyes and adjusted his coat. "Think I better go."

She nodded and turned to pick up her wailing daughter. She rocked her soothingly but her attention wasn't on Andrea. She heard the apartment door open with a jerk and then close gently.

~*~*~*~

"Looks like Xander fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow," Buffy said after she had peered inside Xander's bedroom. He hadn't even bothered to change his clothes, but he did take off his shoes. She walked to the living room where Dawn was massaging a fussy, naked Andrea. Buffy sat on the couch next to Dawn with a bottle of soda in her hand. "What'd you do to wire him up?" she asked, bringing the bottle to her lips.

"I pretended to need his help finding a present for Kenny." Dawn rubbed Andrea's skin gently, and Buffy noticed that she wasn't using oil. She also noticed that Andrea started to calm down. Her arms and legs stopped flailing and now she was locking eyes with Dawn, happy.

"Where did you look?"

"Video stores, bookstores, sports stores." After a little pause, she added mischievously, "Sex stores." 

A silly smile reached Buffy's lips when she imagined Dawn showing a flustered Xander different kinds of condoms and asking him for an opinion. Yep, sex stores contained nothing but condoms and Buffy was sticking with that. She was not going to have another picture of Dawn and her cheeky blond boyfriend. 

Her gaze switched to the soccer ball inside the red net that rested next to the kitchen. "So, Kenny likes soccer?" She swallowed more soda and started looking for the remote. 

"Oh, no, I just needed to buy something so Xander wouldn't be suspicious. We decided that if we're going to give each other presents, it'll be cash." Dawn grabbed the diaper bag and began to put one on Andrea. "That way, we can buy whatever we actually want."

Buffy looked at Dawn with some jealousy seeping through her. It had been a long time since she'd had a stable relationship with a guy. She'd had daydreams about becoming a normal couple with Spike when they were still back in Sunnydale, but she had always ended up shuddering or laughing. Nothing about the two of them was normal. A stable relationship between them was entirely out of the question. 

"He loves you," Dawn said out of nowhere. 

Spike? She wanted to say 'duh,' except lately, she wasn't sure anymore. Plus, she knew Spike wasn't the one Dawn was referring to. She took another sip from her soda and held the remote in her hand. "Who?"

Dawn started to wrap Andrea in her Eeyore blanket. "Xander."

"I love him, too. In a 'friends' kind of way," Buffy replied, knowing where Dawn was going with this. She lowered the volume on the TV so Andrea wouldn't get cranky again. 

"That's the thing." Dawn held the now swaddled Andrea gently in her arms and looked directly at Buffy. "He sees you as more than just a friend."

"Maybe. I don't know." Buffy remembered when Xander had come on to her last Easter, but nothing had happened after that, unless she had missed the signals. She swallowed her soda in one long gulp. 

"He's a good guy, Buffy." 

She put down the empty bottle and looked at Dawn, who avoided meeting Buffy's gaze by rubbing her nose tenderly against Andrea's forehead. "I know," she whispered. "I just don't feel that way about him." She wasn't sure why Dawn wanted her to be with Xander so badly. It wasn't like she was living with them. Even when she used to live with them, she never hinted that she wanted them to be a couple. Especially this badly.

Buffy narrowed her eyes at Dawn's gentle playing with Andrea. She had only started pushing the issue since Buffy had gotten pregnant. 

"But you really love him," Dawn pushed. Andrea gave a soft gasp when Dawn held her a little too tightly. 

"I do. I really do." Xander was her closest friend. He was the father of her child. He was her roommate. He was everything in her life at the moment. "But I'm not in love with him."

Dawn pressed her lips together and looked down at a yawning Andrea. She stood up carefully and walked toward Xander's room. "Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows," she whispered softly, as so not to disturb Andrea. She stopped before she opened the door and looked at Buffy over her shoulder. Her lips twisted up to form a knowing smile. "One day at a time." 

Buffy grimaced. Dawn was breaking the deal again. She wanted to tell Dawn to butt out of her life, if she didn't want Buffy in her own business, but Dawn was already inside Xander's room.


	8. Chapter Eight

** Chapter Eight: **

It had rarely rained in Sunnydale. Other than the drizzles of winter, she only remembered a couple of times when it had rained heavily. One of them was on what she had thought would be the best night of her life, followed by the worst day of her life. In Scotland, it was a different case. The weather was so unpredictable, and she had often been caught in a rainstorm, feeling the drops of water fall hard on her face only to slide down her throat and drench her clothes. Some would say that rain washed away pain, cleansed negative feelings, gave new hope. It was why she preferred standing on the sidewalk instead of shielding herself inside the nearby store. 

Her clothes felt heavy as she let herself get soaked, and her lips parted slightly to make way for a few drops to enter. Her eyes were shut tight so she could focus on awaiting that feeling of excitement. She shivered slightly, knowing that standing in the rain when she had woken up this morning with a cold was a very bad idea. Her cold would probably get worse, but the thought didn’t do a thing to make her go inside. Even the sound of thunder didn't scare her or make her leave her place on the edge of the sidewalk. 

Her ear caught a feminine giggle followed by a masculine laugh, both joyful, and she knew she didn't need to open her eyes to see the two lovers holding hands and running to wherever their hearts desired. A bitter smile rose onto her mouth at the thought of them standing in the middle of an empty street with their lips locked. When she was younger, she'd dreamed about being kissed in the rain. Even her magical night on her seventeenth birthday hadn't included that. She doubted this one would. 

She hugged her sopping coat and listened to nothing but the comforting sound of rain. The wind that accompanied the precipitation didn't help to wash away the pain, because all it did was bring back the memories of today's events. 

She had ditched Xander on another movie night, intentionally ignoring the disappointment that clouded his face as she left, only to find Spike ready for another break-in to Reem's latest hotel room. The disappointment had been reflected on Spike's face when she'd refused to accompany him inside. She had decided to wait for him outside and promised that at any sign of emergency, she would be there.

And then it rained. 

Families and lovers had shielded themselves with their umbrellas, and walked the streets laughing in spite of the weather. People who hadn't expected it to rain ran toward their cars and drove away. Other than the passing lovebirds, she had been standing alone in the deserted street for some time now, seeing nothing but the darkness behind her eyelids. 

She stood in silence for a few minutes before her eyes shot open at the sound of gunfire that disturbed the rhythm of the drips. Her head snapped toward the building, but she saw nothing. She wanted to walk to the hotel entrance but her feet were glued to the ground. What if she were caught helping Spike break in to a hotel guest's room? What would happen when the police found out? She swallowed a lump as she thought of her Slayers suffering the consequences and her heart dropped at the thought of Andrea and Xander suffering as well. She already put herself and everybody else under her charge in danger. She could _not_ get herself caught. Not after that incident inside that other hotel. 

But when she looked up at the windows of the hotel rooms, she couldn't bear to leave Spike without backup. 

She found her feet shifting as they took her toward the doorway, and then felt an irrational fear that the security guards of this hotel would recognize her as a criminal. Then she remembered Spike's plan to go in from the back entrance to avoid questions; they had assumed that Reem had probably left descriptions of them with the security guards and reception desk. 

Changing her path, she recalled Spike's look of displeasure mingled with suspicion as she had refused to go in with him. He hadn't said a thing, just snuck his way into the hotel and left her standing alone, feeling nothing. She had come to a point where others' disappointment barely had an effect on her anymore, and yet, she still tried to hide her transgressions. Could it have anything to do with the whole inferiority complex caused by having a superiority complex thing?

At another sound of gunfire, Buffy whirled around, startled at its close proximity. It was then she saw Spike running like a flash in the heavy rain. She didn't go unnoticed by him, because he stopped behind a bush and called out for her to leave. The gun kept firing, but she didn't look around for it; her survival instincts made her run toward the bush where Spike was hiding. They knelt there, side by side, scanning the area but seeing nothing because of the fog. 

He pulled aggressively on her arm. "C'mon." They ran away through the rain that invaded her eyes. She heard the sound of gunshots again and imagined that a bullet hit her. It had once; it would have killed her if it hadn't been for Willow. This time Willow wasn't around, so she would definitely be dead. She quickened her pace after that notion.

Her eyes tried to focus on Spike as much as they could. She followed because she couldn't bring herself to lead. Drops of rain spilled on her face as the slaps of the past had drawn streaks in which the drops of rain steered, gathering before sliding to her neck. A shiver overtook her from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. 

Spike slipped into a small, sheltered alley and stood there. She was grateful for that because she felt her heart about to explode from beating too fast. She folded her arms around her trembling body and sneezed a little before gazing to her left at the outlines of the road. Ancient buildings stood with pride under the torrential rain, looking like a famous painting she thought she had once seen. She leaned against the wall and took deep breaths as water from her hair and body dripped onto the ground, forming a small puddle of water at her feet. She leaned forward a little and placed a hand on her chest where she felt the violent beating of her heart. 

Spike let out a curse she'd never heard before. Details about the shooting and their escape from the hotel were of no interest to her at the moment. "You failed?" she asked between heavy inhales. 

"No," he muttered, and then she could hear the mirth in his voice when he added, "Stole her passport." 

Her back was still curved forward and her hand still held to her heart, afraid it would fall out of her chest with the way it was throbbing. She didn't stop shivering, and the few drizzles that managed to hit her face -even though she was technically sheltered by the alley- felt far more annoying than when she was standing directly in the rain.   
She clutched her wet coat with her left hand while trying to stop her teeth from chattering. 

Spike came to stand by her side, his eyes narrowed as if trying to figure out which street they were on. His arm brushed lightly against her and her throbbing heart pounded even faster. She put a wet lock of hair behind her ear, not just because it was annoying on her damp cheek, but also because she wanted her elbow to brush against Spike's side. 

Her clumsy action spoke of her intention, because Spike turned to her with furrowed brows. His mouth twitched as if he was about to ask an obvious question.

Abruptly, she grabbed him by the shirt and threw him outside the refuge of the alley. Her breath caught in her lungs when he looked at her, stunned, and was about to curse. He never got to, because she threw her body on his and then they were kissing in the rain. 

Spike broke the kiss unexpectedly, pushing her off of him. "No, Buffy."

She panted, staring at him desperately.

His eyes screamed with a desire that his voice lacked. "Are you sure?"

She leaned down, her lips on his again, and cradled his head possessively in both hands. She felt thrilled when Spike's lips parted. 

The rain fell on their bodies first and then splashed on the hard ground. One of her hands slipped down, passing by his silky neck to the buttons of his shirt. It was harder to unbutton a wet shirt but she didn't give up. One button down. Meanwhile, her other hand slid between the strands of his hair, half gelled, half smooth, and pushed his head closer, forcing his nose to crash against hers.

Shrugging off her coat, she pushed him down until he was lying flat on the hard ground and moved on his body in an inconsonant rhythm. His fingers worked on the buttons of her shirt, careful not to lose control and rip the material off her body. She had no such patience as she shredded the last two buttons and freed his upper body completely. Her breasts smacked onto his solid chest while each one of them worked on the other's pants. Soon they met skin to skin, reviving old passionate memories. 

She flung her head away, breaking the long kiss, in a manner that caused her wet hair to bounce back before hitting the back of her neck. She exhaled and felt the water cascade down her naked body. She was lighter without her wet clothes, not cold at all, and then she leaned over him and plunged her tongue inside his already parted mouth, exploring each little corner of it. 

Her mind had a picture of them, two naked bodies finding each other in the rainfall. It had been a long time since she'd felt this close to someone -her experience with Xander didn't count because she wasn’t lucid through the whole process. It was as wild and fulfilling as she remembered. It brought out emotions in her she'd never felt back in those days. She was different. Not that girl anymore. 

Feeling his tongue, her hand moved to the lower part of his body, between his thighs. He groaned in pleasure and she smiled into the kiss. She backed away with a gasp, looking straight into his eyes. 

She froze. 

His eyes were filled with distinctive lust, a wolfish hungry type of lust. Sure, her past sexual encounters with him constantly included that, but always accompanied by passionate love and devotion. Now, Spike's eyes screamed pure lust and nothing more. The way he bit her lips and the way his tongue attacked her stunned lifeless mouth all felt mechanical. 

It was then she realized that she wasn't the only one who had changed. Ever since they had met here in Edinburgh, there was something off about them. It all made sense now, how Buffy kept running to Spike in thirst but instead of being filled, she came back home sucked dry. It was not like it used to be. The spark they used to have barely existed anymore. It scared her. 

Spike drew back from the kiss and looked at her in frustration. "Don't stop," he gritted out, closing an eye when it was hit by a heavy drop of water. He pulled her to him forcefully and they were kissing again. As she sucked on his lower lip, with less enthusiasm now, she reflected on what they had back in Sunnydale. Their affair -or whatever it was when they were meeting at night to lose themselves in destructive, passionate sex- was never a relationship, but when she put them together, they were definitely an 'it.' 

And, right now, _it_ felt empty.


	9. Chapter Nine

** Chapter Nine: **

A decorated wall filled Buffy's vision the instant she stirred awake. Right next to it were thick blue drapes that left the room dim. Her eyes observed the small, almost-empty room that certainly wasn't hers. She was curled into a ball on a comfortable couch with her head buried in a crumpled comforter, her back curved and her feet glued under her thighs. Her dried out locks were spread on her neck and extended to her naked back. 

She twitched her nose when the end of the blanket, which entirely covered her body, rubbed exasperatingly against it. Her throat felt dry and she was unable to breathe through her nose, all signs of a cold, which she had anticipated. The fact that she was naked under the blanket didn't help matters. 

She startled when the door to the room opened with a jerk and revealed a clothed and tidy Spike, holding a tray. "Rise and shine," he said cheerfully, kicking the door shut behind him. 

She pushed herself up slowly, and her left hand clutched the blanket to keep her nudity in check. "Where are my clothes?"

He pointed at the neatly folded clothes on top of a wooden chair. "Had some lad wash and dry them up," he said as he placed the tray on a table next to the chair. Before she was able to see what was on it, his back stood between her and the tray, blocking the view. 

She was about to ask how she had gotten here but a sudden urge to sneeze got in the way. Sneezing in a room that lacked Kleenex was a bad idea she had no control over. When Spike turned around, she greeted him with a helpless stare as her right hand covered her running nose. He reached with his hand to the tray and then a tissue appeared at her sight. Once she was done blowing as much as she could out of her nose, she noticed the cup of hot tea that was handed to her. 

She cast him a grateful smile and held the hot cup close to her face. Vapors rose up and danced before her eyes. They gradually rose to the highest point they were able to reach before they began to disappear completely. 

She took a sip and regarded Spike warily. He poured some blood in a cup before returning the bag to the small fridge in the corner, and then kicked off his boots and sat on another chair, propping his legs on the table. His deliberately casual movements made her remember last night. She didn't need to ask how she had gotten here. What she couldn't get was how Spike was able to get her tea? It wasn't like pubs served it, right?

"So, about last night…" she started, not sure how to finish that sentence and instead lowering her gaze to her tea. They'd had sex. It had been so long since their last time, she never thought she'd go there after the bathroom incident. Initiating it, after everything they'd gone through? She'd lost her mind. Right now, she desperately wanted to discuss it. They had never really done that, discussing sex afterwards. They usually just did it again, though she doubted it was the same case now. 

"What we do best," he said in an absentminded way that had her head snap to him, feeling a sudden lump in her throat. That last year they had in Sunnydale was them at their best. That night when he had held her in his arms, the only one there by her side, when all her loved ones didn't believe in her anymore. 

She never thought she would live to see the day when she would be the one to get emotional about them. Never thought she would be the one to see beyond the physical, itching for him to see that they were more than that. 

Anger rose inside her in waves until the cup in her hands started to shake. She set it down on the floor, and then headed for her clothes, still using the blanket to cover herself up. What was she doing here anyway? She should be back at her apartment with her daughter. She should be visiting the castle, checking on her squad. She should put a stop to the way she was acting, stop reverting to old behavior. 

She grabbed her leather coat and frowned at how trimly it was cleaned. "Shouldn't there be a receipt to this?"

"I took care of it," Spike said.

Blood rushed to her cheeks when she noticed her clean panties. Spike took care of everything, all right. "So," she started, sounding a little aggravated, as she put on her underwear. "You carried me and my clothes all the way to your little pub?" She glanced at him and saw him nod while still slurping down his blood. "And that was your noble way to save me from the future humiliation of being caught naked in public?" Her jeans felt a little too tight; Spike's errand boy was apparently unaccustomed to washing denims. 

She heard him gulp the last drops of blood before he answered gently, "Swore never to hurt you, luv." Was it the first time he'd called her that since they'd met again? She couldn't remember. 

"And you're doing a pretty good job at that," she muttered under her breath. Was it her or did her shirt get smaller? She almost ripped it when getting her arm inside the sleeve, then she figured out she was wearing it backwards. She shook the shirt off in exasperation. 

"Something wrong?" he asked in a tone that sounded concerned. Concerned about what? Her inability to wear her clothes like a normal person? Thinking her brain cells must have been damaged by the rainy night? 

She turned around, angry and hurt, clutching her dangling shirt in her hand. "Obviously not with me!" 

He frowned and slowly licked the blood moustache above his lips. He said nothing as he gazed at her in confusion. 

She shook her head and started to put on her shirt. "This thing," she pointed with her chin between her and him, "as well as last night's sex is not working for me." She slipped into her coat and crossed her arms, casting him a stare. "Next time I have sex will be when I'm in a 'relationship.' I'm gonna have a fresh start. Logical _right_ start."

Throughout her ramble, Spike's gaze shifted from bewilderment to a frown to an eye roll, and then landed on a look of sarcasm. "It wasn't me who started jumping the other's bones last night."

She felt herself blush, but kept her hard stare. "Which was a big mistake on my part."

Spike's face hardened at that. "So, in conclusion to that waffle about a 'fresh' start, you're gonna get yourself another boy toy." 

Her lips set in a firm, thin line. "You know what? I think it's time I play it smart." With a pointed gaze, she added, "for Andrea's sake." 

His eyes flashed yellow for a second before returning to their natural blue. "Right." He snorted. "You're gonna shag a bloke you feel nothing for." He set his mug on the table, and the look in his eyes was filled with ridicule and confidence. She wanted to grab her cup and hurl the tea in his face to wipe away that cocky expression. 

She twisted her lips instead. "Nothing was never something I felt for Xander."

"Can you really say that you see him as more than a chum?" There was a challenge in his eyes that made her feel tired all of a sudden.

"That's none of your business." She wearily started to head to the door, feeling the air being sucked out of the room. 

"Because you can't."

She stopped, throwing her head back and releasing a sigh. "Maybe I wanna start a normal life."

"Yeah, you do."

"Things changed, Spike," she said acerbically, and turned around to find him standing now. He wasn't casual anymore; he was actually Spike. Passion, jealousy, and fury were right there shining unmistakably in those scorching blue eyes. Unfortunately, she was too angry to care at this point.

"Things as in situations, yes, they always do. But not you," he said. As if they'd gone back in time, Buffy could see herself in her bathroom with Spike standing there, trying to convince her that she loved him. That he felt her loving him when they were together. Why couldn't he feel it now when it was actually true?

Her jaw twitched, and she gazed down at the floor before she turned around and continued her path to the door.

Spike scoffed. "That's pathetic."

She stopped again, but didn’t turn to him this time. "At least I know he'll never walk away."

There was no reply, and she was sure there was a flicker of hurt in his eyes. Good, she thought; he deserved it. She walked out lifelessly, not sure if Spike had called out her name, and completely dismissed the people that were sitting at the bar. She didn’t regain feeling until she was outside the pub. The sun that shined up in the sky didn't bring any warmth to the freezing street, and Buffy hugged her coat closer, forcing herself not to glance back.

~*~*~*~

"Hey, you okay?" 

Cloudy thoughts about Spike and what had happened vanished at the sound of Xander's relieved and worried voice. She raised her gaze to meet his eye, which reflected those same emotions, and realized she had been out all night, returning home the next day without any warning. Her hand went straight to her pocket and acknowledged the lack of her cell phone. She figured she had forgotten it in her bedroom. It was a much better thought than her leaving it at Spike's, or that Spike stole it from her pocket, or the possibility that it was on the street, ruined because of the rain, and Spike hadn't noticed it lying there.

"Where's Andy?" The question popped from her tongue before she even thought it. 

Xander ignored her question and held her shoulders as he checked her for any injury. He looked confused when he noticed how clean and tidy her clothes were. "Are you…?"

"Is she in your room?" She interrupted, heading straight to Xander's room. She pushed the door open, but there was no one in there. 

"Don't worry, Renée is with her." Xander followed her, holding his cell phone and punching in a number. 

Buffy felt bewildered at his answer until she recalled that Renée was Xander's choice to baby-sit Andrea amongst all the Slayers back in the castle. Xander had rented an apartment on their floor for Renée to be as close to them as possible while still maintaining her privacy.

"Yeah, she's home, Leah. Everything's fine." 

She jumped a little when Xander spoke. Everyone was worried about her. They had probably sent some groups out searching for her. She took a few steps to her bedroom and peered inside. Her cell phone was on her bed as she'd guessed. She abruptly sneezed, remembering her cold, and took a tissue from her dresser next to the door. 

Hearing Xander finish the call, she came out of her room and tried to hide her anxiety. "I was fighting this demon…" she hastily attempted to explain, "and…"

"And then you slept in a pub," Xander finished her lie with a truth, and her eyes widened in panic. "When it got past midnight, I asked the girls at Central Command to locate you. They found you in that Little Bow Wow pub." 

Right. They didn't need to send groups to search for her; they already had the equipment that made it effortless to find her. Her lips were set in a thin line, unsure if Xander knew that she was in Spike's room- or that Spike was even back. Buffy figured they couldn't possibly have pictures of her and Spike inside the pub. They needed a camera for that, so maybe, and that was a hopeful maybe, they hadn't seen her with Spike, and had only located her place.

"Were you with someone there?" Xander asked, his tone quizzical but his question easing her worry. He didn't know about Spike, unless that was a trick question. When she didn't answer, he bit his lip, his questioning stare dissolving into a tender one. "Look, do you wanna talk about it?" 

"I don't… I don’t think so."

There was that look of disappointment from yesterday mirrored in his face again. She couldn't really blame him, since over the past couple of years, they had became closer than they ever were. She told him everything, and he told her everything. The fact that she wasn't telling him anything in the past few weeks must have been really hurtful. 

"Guess what I was watching last night?"

His question snapped her back to reality, and her eyes followed him as he turned his back and walked to the living room. He sat on the sofa and shot her a forced smile before he turned on the TV. It hit her then why she'd started getting closer to him in the past two years. It wasn't the shared grief; it was that he'd learned to stop pressing her to open up. Spike did the same; he never asked questions, just read her so well that he didn't need to. Xander, however, didn't read her as well as Spike.

"What?" she asked, trying to pay attention to the change of conversation, and dragged her feet to the sofa.

"The new _Kim Possible_ movie," he said with what appeared to be a genuine smile, but it was all an act. He was trying hard to keep things laid-back, to get her to move on. She stared at him intensely and observed how his eye reflected a clash between real emotions and make-believe ones, and how his mouth barely comprehended the words he was saying. "Do you know who Kim's love interest is? You're not gonna believe it."

It made her stomach flutter, how he tried to do what she wanted regardless of his feelings. He was everything she needed to move on, a normal guy, who gave her a child and could give her a normal life. Why wouldn't she grab on tight to that straw? The minute Spike had returned to her life, things had gone from simple to complicated. She'd been happy when it was simple, hadn't she? 

She blinked herself out of her thoughts to find her lips on Xander's. It was a small, chaste kiss that made her feel warmer. Yesterday was too cold and dark, and she was just tired. Her apartment was warm and safe and sweet, as were Xander's lips. The whole thing felt new. She hugged his stunned body but didn't deepen the kiss, preferring to keep it light and innocent, keep it different from everything she'd done with Spike. 

"Wha…?" His hot breath hit her cheeks when she broke the kiss. She still hugged him, couldn't leave the heat. 

"That's probably the best for Andy, right?" she said to his ear. 

He gently pushed her away from him, and then she found herself staring into a perplexed hazel eye.

"Normal life. Normal parents," she explained. Swallowing heavily, she added, "Far away from vampires."

Xander's eyebrows furrowed. "Are you saying that you're quitting slaying?"

She inwardly cursed her slip of the tongue. "I… I just meant that it would be better for Andrea… if her parents were together." Her mind traveled back to the time when her parents were still together. They used to be so happy back then, but everything had fallen apart when the divorce happened. So many times, she and Dawn had wished for their parents to get back together. She missed the joy of seeing her parents holding hands and laughing. Buffy wanted that for Andrea; it was what Dawn had been hinting at all along.

Xander stared at her for several seconds until his gaze fell on his fingers touching the buttons of the remote control. "What about us, Buffy? We don't have feelings for each other." He looked up at her. "Not that way."

Her conversation with Dawn a week ago sprang to her mind. She let go of him, and they sat side by side, but didn't lose eye contact. "Time will tell, right?" There was a mechanical feel to the way she said it, which bothered her. Even Xander noticed it. 

"I guess," he said, not quite believing it. 

"This is for Andy," she stressed. She was relieved when his nod appeared natural. They reluctantly turned their attention to the television and watched a random episode of _Scrubs_ where JD was having one of his over-the-top fantasies. Body was trying to connect with Head, again without succeeding.


	10. Chapter Ten

** Chapter Ten: **

Portobello Beach was strange in November. There were many people around, even though it was winter. Buffy had heard a woman commenting to her husband that this was one of the warm winter days, hence the gaggle of people dressed in spring swimsuits. It probably helped that a pale sun fought its way out against the stubborn clouds. Buffy still clutched her jacket, as she wasn't used to a warm winter day by Scotland's standards. Children ran down the beach in their swimsuits, roughly reaching the water but never touching it. Careless teenagers ran to the freezing water and splashed at each other with laughter. Some of their friends stared at them while keeping distant. 

The cool sea wind blew gently, bringing a scent that reminded her of the time her father had rented a yacht and they'd gone cruising. Faint sunlight danced on the waves, creating colorful sparkles in the almost deserted sea. She inhaled the refreshing air into her lungs and hoped humidity would stifle the thirst in her chest. Suddenly, she felt something slick slip down her cheek. Her finger rose to touch the tear that opened the way for others to slide down and reach her jaw, and she found herself crying like a lost little girl, not knowing how or why.

She heard the laughter coming from the teenagers on her right, so she quieted her sobs and hiccupped silently without anyone noticing. Something inside disturbed her and forbade her happiness, something she refused to admit to herself. She was drowning in it like a kid drowning in the depth of this sea. The difference was that the drowning kid could scream and wave, asking for help, but she would drown in silence, without anyone noticing, without confiding to anyone. Because she knew that if she did confess, she would ruin everything she was trying to build.

She silently cried for a while until a man selling balloons approached with some children scurrying behind him. "Ma'am, have you got a change for a twenty?" 

She gazed at the swaying, colored balloons and the innocent faces of the children, waiting for her rescue. Swallowing one more sob, she stuffed her hand in her pocket. Five pounds. Ten pounds. And, there, another five. She handed them to him silently.

"Thank you, ma'am." He gave her a twenty. 

"Thank you," a little, white-haired girl chirped with a huge grin. 

Buffy returned her grin with a forced smile. 

"It's a nice day," the girl said. 

"Warm winter day." Buffy clutched her jacket again. 

"Then why are you sad?" 

Buffy blinked down at the little girl, unable to form an answer to that. 

Another girl nudged her friend and handed her a yellow balloon. "Let's go," she said, and then ran off with the other kids.

The white-haired girl grinned again at Buffy. "Bye." Then she followed her other friends. Buffy gazed at them scurrying away, so happy with their pretty balloons. It was funny how a colored air bag could make a child this excited and cheerful. 

The balloon man was about to leave, and she held up her hand to stop him. "Wait, give me that red one." 

He stared at her for a second as she offered him a few coins, looking serious. He didn't say anything further when she picked the red balloon. She looked at it and imagined it was her lost heart filled with regrets and sorrows, hoping that by letting it go, she'd be rid of them all. Sighing, she released the balloon and watched it flying up, but even as it disappeared from her sight, she didn't feel free. She still hurt and suffered. Numb and out of place. 

"Buffy?"

She glanced over her shoulder at Xander, who walked down the beach with hot mochas. The balloon might have not done a thing to her, but the warm feeling of holding the mocha in her hands made some of the ice inside melt. 

"Can you believe the lack of jackets around?" Xander asked with a shiver and adjusted his turtleneck. They were probably the only two on the beach who were dressed. 

"Can you believe _we_ decided to go to the beach in the winter?" 

Xander laughed. "Yeah, well, we've already established that we're mentally challenged."

"And it was the only place we could go to on foot," she pointed out. Shaking her tidy ponytail with satisfaction, she sipped the hot coffee and enjoyed the warmth spreading through her body. 

They walked alongside the seashore, and the breeze sent cold shivers down Buffy’s spine. She inched closer to Xander in an attempt to find some warmth. His arm went around her body and he hugged her to his side. "I still can't believe this is happening," he said with a stunned chuckle.

She looked up at him with a smile. "That hard?" 

"Well, you're beautiful, you're strong, you're smart, you're everything good." He grinned widely at her. "And I look like a pirate."

"Handsome pirate." 

"It's the modern version of Beauty and the Beast," he went on as if he didn't hear her. "You know, real life version, one without monsters."

"Thank God for that," she whispered and pushed herself further into his embrace, hoping the heat from their physical contact would reach the inside. Thankfully, the clouds started to clear, and the sun shone brightly. The sun was good; monsters feared the sun. Now they could finally enjoy a warm winter day.

~*~*~*~

"You're back early," Renée said when the couple walked inside the apartment. "How was your…" She stopped as her eyes widened in horror at the sight of Buffy helping a limping Xander inside. 

"Fun," Xander answered the unfinished question while both Slayers helped him sit on the couch. "In a painful sort of way." 

"What happened?" Renée looked at Buffy, troubled. 

"We ran into Day Demons."

"What?"

"Demons that lurk in the day. Worst type," Xander gritted out and sank into the couch. Buffy hurried to the bathroom and brought out the first aid kit.

"Shouldn't he be in the hospital?" Renée asked. 

"He hates hospitals." Buffy sat on her knees in front of his bleeding leg. Blood had soaked his jeans badly. 

"Something we have in common," Xander pointed out, looking down at her with a wink. She gave him a smile in return. He looked at Renée. "Besides, injuries like these? No big. I'm glad I didn't lose another body part." 

It didn't take long before Buffy had finished taking care of Xander's wound. She helped him walk into their room, previously Buffy's room, and left him lying on bed. He reached for Andrea, who was gurgling in Renée's arms. 

Returning to the living room, Buffy started to clean the mess Xander's wound had caused, and Renée joined her.

"So, how was the beach?"

"It was breezy at first, but then it got warm. I was about to take off my jacket when the demons showed up."

"Sorry about that. Must have ruined your date."

"No big deal. Actually, it was fun. The demons made the day for me." Buffy closed the first aid kit and was about to head to the bathroom. 

"And Xander didn't?" Renée asked. 

Buffy stopped walking and turned around to face her with a little frown. "Xander didn't what?"

"Make the day for you."

Buffy's mouth opened and closed slightly, and then Renée's features became alarmed. "Sorry, that must've sounded out of place." She was about to leave for the bedroom when Buffy grabbed her arm and stopped her. 

She stood in front of Renée and looked at her with a frown. "No, what did you mean?"

Renée bit her lower lip like she wasn't sure if she was supposed to speak her thoughts. "It's just… you seem distant around him. It's like you try hard to be sweet and return the affection he throws your way, but you only do it physically and there's no life there." 

Buffy felt something heavy on her throat, so heavy it was about to choke her. She forced her expression to stay solid. She was not going to cry in front of one of her Slayers, not when she was their mentor. She couldn't help the way her hand tightened its hold on Renée's arm, making Renée wince and look extremely regretful that she told Buffy what she thought about her relationship with Xander.

Buffy let go of Renée's arm with a softly muttered, "Sorry."

Renée brushed lightly against the red finger marks on her arm and looked at Buffy with understanding. "I've been there before," she said gently. "And then someone told me about this way, which helped a lot."

Buffy only gazed at the marks she’d left on Renée's arm. She used to think that she’d grown more careful when it came to accidentally hurting those under her charge. She couldn't remember the last time she almost crushed Giles with a hug; it was probably when she was still in college. Had she regressed into a nineteen-year-old all of a sudden, or was she just too scared and inconsolable to focus?

Renée gave a timid smile before pointing at the bedroom. "Think I'm gonna…" she trailed off nervously before stepping forward. 

"Can you…" Buffy said suddenly, making Renée stop and look at her with anxiousness, desperate to reach the bedroom and be away from the uncomfortable situation. Buffy nibbled on her lower lip, her face downcast, before she asked weakly, "Can you tell me?"

~*~*~*~

Buffy stared at the blank paper in front of her, her fingers anxiously tried to play with the pencil like Britney Spears did in her first video. After three tries that all ended with the pencil flying over the table, she ended up tapping her nose with it instead. "Okay, Xander Harris in ten words…" she mumbled. "Can't believe I'm doing this…" She frowned and determinedly brought the pencil to the paper. 

_Funny, because he makes jokes._

_Parental, because of the way he is with Andrea._

_Dependable, because he can take care of insurance and job applications and all that adult stuff better than I do._

_Loyal, because he was by my side from the beginning and he's still here. He never left like the others, and when he did, it was temporary. He always comes back, he sees his life with me, he wants his life to be with me, he doesn't wanna leave m_

Buffy blinked at the long paragraph. Renée said it should only be one sentence. She rolled her pencil between her palms and tried to think of something else to describe Xander, something that wasn’t long, something that wouldn’t get her writing mojo going. She ignored that voice in her head that tried to argue that when said writing mojo got going, it only meant that the writer got emotional, and emotion was the point she was doing _this_ for in the first place. 

Anyway, words to describe Xander. Renée said they didn't have to be good descriptions. She started writing again. 

_Silly, because sometimes his jokes can be more silly than funny._

_Stubborn, because he can't see that I actual_

She stopped writing and her brows furrowed when she considered the sentence she was going to write. That sentence wasn't about Xander. She turned to another page and began writing again.

_Idiot, because he thinks he knows me and he doesn't._

_Pigheaded, because he insists he knows me and he doesn't._

_Mama's Boy, 'cause I kinda sensed that from his motherhood speeches._

_Quarrelsome, because whenever we meet we always get in each other's throats._

_Rude, 'cause he curses in front of babies._

_Gentle, 'cause while he cursed in front of Andrea, he was also sweet with her._

_Thoughtful, 'cause he didn't comment on my lousy mothering skills._

She frowned at the change of words, then determinedly wrote,

_Coward, because he_

She stopped and gazed down at the list. Could she be any more pathetic? She tore the paper from the notebook and crumpled it, throwing it at the trashcan. It hit the rim and bounced off. With a tired sigh, she picked it up and threw it inside. 

The whole thing was a dumb idea anyway.

~*~*~*~

Renée had taken Andrea to her apartment in an attempt to give Buffy and Xander a chance for some romance. They ended up doing Xander's idea of a romantic night: popcorn and a movie. Apparently, Buffy wasn't the only one having issues with transforming a long time friendship into a serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. 

_The Notebook_ was Buffy's pick for a movie in the hopes that it would stir something inside them. So far, all they’d done was skip to the steamy scenes, and yet nothing had been stirred, unless they counted the growing feeling of discomfort. Buffy pursed her lips, looking at Xander next to her. He’d barely touched his popcorn or made a move. Where were those fake yawns that guys used to put their arm around the girl? Where were those casual hands accidentally touching the girl's thigh while supposedly reaching for the popcorn? Darn, why was the bowl in Xander's lap? 

Okay, so it wasn't a big tragedy. They were in the twenty-first century, right? These days, girls were the ones to initiate the romance as guys waited and blushed.

She fixed her eyes on the screen while her hand moved to the bowl of popcorn –except it was heading to Xander's thigh – and then Buffy's hand ended up on Xander's crotch. Her hand recoiled as if it had just touched fire and she noticed how Xander froze in place, his eye about to pop out in surprise. 

"Sorry," she mumbled, flushing fiercely.

"It's okay," Xander said in a croaky voice. "Maybe we should cool it a little. Stop trying too hard."

The moment of embarrassment ended at his comment, and she looked at him in annoyance. "If I was the slightest bit interested in one scene of the movie, I'd have thought that maybe I missed your attempt at seduction. But I wasn't, and you haven't tried hard. You haven't tried at all."

"I did in my head." He rose to defend himself. "I thought about the thigh thing, but the popcorn was in my lap. Then I thought about the yawn thing, but there's a sex scene on TV and it wasn't yawn-worthy boring."

"It doesn’t have to be boring, Xander," she said, irritated. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each pondering over what to do next. Buffy hated the silence; moreover, she hated that it was so damn difficult. He was her best friend. It should be easy. They had known each other for more than nine years now. They’d never parted for more than three months of summer vacation since the day they had met. They had a baby together. They were living together in an apartment for almost a year. They should be able to jump into a relationship without needing Renée to impart her experience to them. Buffy thought about Renée's idea to write ten words describing a person. She didn't think she wanted Xander to write ten words describing her, because then she would want to read his list, and she wasn't sure that would lead to anything good.

"Let's invent a game," she suggested, turning to look at Xander. They weren’t succeeding because they were relying on old techniques to get things to work. However, as some would say, not every piece of advice could apply to every person. All couples had their unique way of clicking, and Buffy and Xander would click on their own terms. She hoped.

~*~*~*~

The heavy sound of classical tango music filled the air, creating an exotic mood enhanced by the dim light of the candles. The room glowed reddish orange and shadows dominated the place. Buffy couldn't see Xander's face clearly from where she stood, as he was nothing more than a shadow bordered by the faint light of the candles. She started grinding her hips slowly along with the music and watched Xander do the same. Her ruffled skirt swayed from side to side with her slithery movement, and her bangs fell on her face, which made her feel a little sexy. 

Suddenly, the music launched into a foot-stepping, light rock-and-roll beat. Buffy quickened her hip-shaking along with the catchy beat and noted Xander doing that as well. Feeling the music driving her movements, she started shaking her shoulders rhythmically with her hips, and then she started to spin around forward until she _smacked_ against Xander's body. 

They recovered hastily, and then clasped their hands together. With serious expressions, they gazed at each other, keeping the embrace quite open. Buffy, taking the lead, elegantly stepped forward with her right foot, and glared at Xander when he mimicked her. "You're supposed to do the opposite," she hissed. Xander withdrew his leg abruptly. Their hands parted at his sudden reaction, which left Buffy placing them on her hips, looking at him, unimpressed. He grinned apologetically, and she rolled her eyes. 

Going back to the dance, Buffy spun once, and he caught her by the hip as she leaned back, one hand holding his shoulder while the other fisted his own. She leaned too far backward, and they clumsily dropped to the floor, ruining the dance and the 'sexy' atmosphere. They lay on top of each other for a few seconds while Shakira continued to sing on the stereo, and then both their bodies shook slightly before they burst into a gale of laughter. 

Buffy sat up and looked at him, giggling uncontrollably, and pointing a trembling finger at him. "You should've seen yourself… with the hip-shaking. So ridiculous." 

Xander pushed her shoulder playfully. "Me? What about you, Miss Shake-Your-Boobies?"

She punched his arm. "That's how they dance." She giggled some more when he tentatively rubbed on his stinging arm, and then got up to turn on the lights. 

Adjusting her gaze to the sudden brightness, she turned around and looked at his outfit thoroughly. He was wearing a white shirt that was unbuttoned from the middle up and black slacks. As for her, she was wearing a tight, black tank top and the smoky red skirt she'd gotten for her birthday from Matilda, which she'd never thought she'd use. Once their gazes met, they laughed again at their appearances. 

"Frankly, that wasn't the reaction I was looking for," Xander said between chuckles.

"But it was fun," Buffy said. "I almost regret mocking Dawn for saving her pop music CDs from Sunnydale."

Xander's lips twisted up at the corners. "Says the girl who couldn't part with her stuffed pig."

"Don't mock Mr. Gordo." She pointed a threatening finger at him, and then she leaned against the wall and mumbled, "Guy who saves his Batman meets Superman comics."

"Rubber meets spandex. How could I not save them?" Xander exclaimed defensively. 

Buffy arched an eyebrow, opened her mouth, closed it, and then shook her head. "I won't even go there."

Xander looked desperately at the two boxes lying on the table. "Can we get to the next request, please?"

Buffy threw the paper with Xander's latest request in the trashcan. She brought the box with her requests closer to him. "Your turn." They had been drawing scenes out of a hat for half an hour now to try to arouse the other, but the requests had the tendency to be more amusing than stimulating in execution. 

Xander looked carefully at the folded papers in the box. "Not sure I'd dare, especially after the last one." He gave her a glare, and she let out a small laugh when she remembered his awkward striptease. He had complained that if he was going to strip, she could at least put on some music, but her rules were no music, and the drapes must not be shut. The sad part was that he'd chickened out before he'd even taken his pants off. He'd whined about someone from the next building ogling him from their window, which Buffy doubted was true, but she'd let him get away with it in the end. 

She smirked when Xander's hand shook slightly as he chose a paper, and hoped he would pick the role playing one. She was looking forward to seeing how he would play Christian Bale. With one last doubtful glance at her, Xander unfolded it and read aloud, "Sing 'Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul' while seducing me." He raised both eyebrows at her, and she shrugged. She leaned back against the couch and leered at him, waiting.

Xander looked down at the written words again with hesitation. At first, Buffy assumed his hesitation was because he didn't remember the lyrics but dismissed that thought quickly. It hadn't been long since they had watched _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ , and each of them had impressed the other with how well they knew the words to the songs. When Xander started to move slowly toward her with so much apprehension, she realized that memorizing the lyrics wasn't the issue. Xander was taking this seriously; it wasn't about silly fun anymore. This was _serious_ fun, which included serious flirting and sex. Buffy's heartbeat started to go faster, and she fought the urge to nibble on her lips. She didn't want to appear nervous, especially when Xander looked like he was about to faint. This was it, the moment they'd been dreading, and she would _not_ screw it up. 

Xander was right in front of her now, his face too boyish and his breath too hot. His hands shook a little as they cupped her breasts. "Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n' roll," he sang weakly, while his hands messaged her breasts clumsily. His extreme anxiety filled her with a sudden feeling of frustration. The whole thing was ridiculous. They’d already had sex once, and it wasn't like they were still insecure teenagers. 

She lowered her gaze to the hand messaging her breast. "Wow. That feels so sexy," she said in what she hoped was a teasing tone. 

He drew his hand away and rubbed the bridge of his nose unconsciously. "Sorry about that," he mumbled, a little upset. 

Buffy smiled sympathetically. Perhaps it wasn't as easy as she'd thought, and they probably needed more time to adjust to the change in their relationship. "Maybe we should call it quits for the night and order some pizza." She rested her head back and closed her eyes, yearning for a long, warm bath. 

All of a sudden, she felt her legs being pulled forward. Her head slipped from the couch and hit the floor. She gasped in shock, her eyes meeting Xander's. "Whatever happened to Saturday ni-iiiiight," he sang, tilting his head to the right and making Buffy bite her lower lip in unexpected excitement. "When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right? It don't seem the same since cosmic light. Came into my life, I thought I was divine..." His mouth trailed across her shoulder and neck, and she gasped when she felt his warm lips moving boldly against her skin, impressed and thrilled by his newfound confidence. 

"I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go. And listen to the music on the radio." Buffy gasped more when Xander's lips went to her ear, enjoying the way he was swallowing some of the letters in the words, trying to imitate the way the song was sung. His chest rubbed hers in light ticklish waves that had her unpredictably hot and bothered. "A saxophone was blowin' on a rock & roll show. You climbed in the back seat, really had a good ti…"

She grabbed his head and kissed him hard, the next words of the song dying inside her mouth. His hands held her body to his chest tightly, and they rolled on the floor, lost in passionate kissing.

~*~*~*~

Buffy opened her eyes and felt a small smile tug at her lips. The smile grew bigger when she heard Xander's heavy breathing. She turned to the side and rested her head on her elbow, gazing at him. He cast a fleeting look her way and smiled as well, still breathing heavily. 

That was the second time they had sex and it expectedly felt like the first, for obvious reasons. Having Xander's body on hers for the first time, there was a taboo feeling about it. She was a little embarrassed when Xander's eye sparkled as he looked over her naked body. The transformation from friend to boyfriend hadn't yet registered in her brain. It was when he was inside her that the person on top of her wasn't just Xander. He was someone entirely new. It scared and thrilled her at the same time. 

The sex was… different from what she'd had before. It was sweet, safe, and it was with her long time best friend. She never had sex with a guy who had always been just a friend. Once, Faith had approached her with the subject of having sex with Xander, and it had wigged her completely. She used to think it would be weird and terrible. But the truth was that she actually enjoyed it. It had been a new experience, an interesting one. 

"So, how'd you liked my deep masculine voice?" he whispered seductively. 

She pressed her lips together and narrowed one eye in a way that said his voice was so-and-so.

"C'mon," he defended. "I thought I pulled a Barry White rock & roll style."

"Sounded more like Blossom Dearie." Buffy's eyes sparkled in humor. 

"She's got her fans, doesn't she?" he replied with a grin and then stood up. "Gonna start the shower." She still blushed and looked away without thinking when her vision was suddenly met with his naked body. 

She looked up the second Xander grabbed his robe and slipped it on. He winked at her and nodded outside the room.

"I'll follow you in a minute," she said, still smiling. 

Her smile didn't last long, slowly slipped away when he disappeared outside. She opened her drawer and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Unfolding it, she gave the open door a momentary look before gazing down at the paper.

_Xander Harris in ten words,_

_Funny, because he's the only one making me laugh lately._

_Brave, because his lack of powers never stopped him from helping save the world._

_Endearing, because he's goofy._

_Strong, because strength isn't always about the physical._

_Loyal, because he never left._

_Smart, because only those who don't know him think otherwise._

_Chandler Bing, doesn't really need a because._

_Protective, because he doesn't like to see me get hurt._

_Passionate, especially when it's about me._

_Best friend, because that's just how I see him._

Her eyes lingered at the last line, and then she sighed before crumpling the paper and tossing it in the trashcan, where it sat along with its other crumpled friends. She flung the bed sheet away, walked to her closet and snatched up her robe.


	11. Chapter Eleven

** Chapter Eleven: **

Buffy opened her eyes to gaze at an unfamiliar ceiling. Xander's old room. They had had another round while taking a shower, and they'd ended up sleeping in the closest room to the bathroom. That second round had been nowhere near the sugar sweet of the first one, but she wasn't complaining. All she felt was the raging headache from the few hours of sleep. She looked around for a clock but found nothing, not that she knew when she had fallen asleep. 

Her thoughts were churning as she tried to make sense of a few things that had suddenly crashed into each other in her brain. She’d had sex with Xander, twice, and that ought to change their relationship. When they'd first decided to become a couple, she hadn't really felt a great change in their dynamic. They had been sleeping in one bed for a week, but all they did was ramble about Andrea or whatever happened that day. They had gone out on dates and, again, all they did was ramble and joke. They were acting exactly the same as they had before they'd engaged in a relationship. Neither of them was brave enough to make it serious until Renée had pointed out the problem to Buffy.

Sex changed things and brought a dozen questions into her head. Did this mean their relationship in regard to Andrea would change at all? Did she make a mistake? She thought of her 'Ten Words to Describe Xander' list. Was Xander aware of her _real_ feelings? 

A sharp headache attacked her and made her moan. More sleep was definitely needed, and answering annoying questions had to be delayed. She looked at the ceiling again; she needed to be in _her_ room. Dropping her feet to the floor, her body almost followed next, so she clutched the sheets to prevent herself from falling. She walked unsteadily to the door with a big yawn. 

She grimaced when she was greeted by the sharp light coming from the living room, accompanied by Renée's loud squeals. She was gazing down at Andrea's crib, making cute baby faces. Noticing Buffy standing by the entrance, Renée turned her glittery eyes to her. "She's full of smiles today."

Buffy forced a smile of her own through her headache and didn't answer. She looked at the door leading to the kitchen and asked, "Where's Xander?" 

"At work," Renée said, turning her attention to Andrea. "There are some pancakes left in the kitchen."

Buffy contorted her face at the mention of food. "No, I didn't get much sleep last night. Think I'm gonna head back to bed."

"Okay." Renée nodded without looking at her and kept on gushing and cooing at Andrea.

Buffy thought about peering down at her daughter before going to sleep, but felt it was too much of an effort. She'd been through sleepless nights before, but none of them left her feeling this tired. 

"Oh, do you mind if I listen to some music?" Renée suddenly asked. "I don't have a stereo or a recorder at my apartment yet." 

"As long as it's not loud," Buffy replied with an uneasy smile. "I don't think I can sleep with loud rock & roll."

"Oh, no rock & roll. Quiet pop music. Backstreet Boys pop music," Renée said with a blush.

Pop music. Last night's banter with Xander suddenly popped into her head, and instead of filling her insides with affection, it fell heavily on her chest. She glanced at their CD collection that was displayed on the cabinet shelf. "Maybe you'll find some of their old CDs here. Xander claims they're Dawn's, but I'm pretty sure he used to be a fan."

"I know," Renée said shyly, which earned her a frown from Buffy. Eventually, she decided to ignore it. Her bed called out for her. 

A pleased smile rose to her lips when she was inside the Victorian-bedecked-but-Buffy-style room. Mr. Gordo was lying on the floor, scarred for life from the nasty he had witnessed last night. She couldn't bring herself to pick him off the floor –as an apology- because all she was able to do was flop herself down on the heaven of her bed. 

She snuggled into her pillows and sheets when loud music jerked her out of her peacefulness. Buffy moaned and used her pillow to save her poor ears from the evil boy band. Renée the vixen, she thought with displeasure. If Buffy had any power left in her to stand up again, she would march out of her room and … probably just asked Renée politely to keep it low. 

She squeezed her eyes shut and curled her body into a tight ball around the pillow, somehow feeling the pillow inside her bones. She didn't know how that happened, but it didn't matter. She shrank until she was the size of the pupils inside her closed eyes. She stared at both eyelids in suspense, unsure which eye she should enter. There was music playing inside the right eye, sweet and romantic. She could smell roses and flowers inside. It was attractive. She pushed herself to the right eye without considering even a glance to the left. Her body slammed against the thick wall of her eyelid. Why couldn't she go through? 

She yelled and banged at the door with her fists, desperate for the roses and the harmonious music. She would sing along and write poems; she would do anything just to get inside. 

Then, all of a sudden, she found herself sitting at a table embellished with red and pink roses. She laughed in delight, now inside the empty heaven. No one was in sight and it was dark, except for the faint light from stage where Xander stood. What was he doing in her world? He wasn't allowed in, unless she had walked into _his_ world.

Xander pressed his lips to the mike and looked at her. He appeared sad when he was supposed to be happy in his world. A voice that didn't belong to Xander sang,

_“When you come back, I won't be here.”  
She said and gently pulled me near  
“If you wanna talk, you can call  
And, no, it's not your fault.”_

His eyes narrowed at Buffy, and she sunk into her chair, looking around, trying to find the door to get out. This wasn't her empty heaven; occupied hell was more like it. Then she felt a tug on her arm, and turned around to meet a pair of crystal blue eyes.

 _… someone else steal my part?”  
She said it's not my fault_

She wanted to break down and yell. What were they doing here torturing her? Wasn't it enough they were doing it outside? She pushed Spike away and ran, her eyes not seeing a thing, light replacing darkness. She expected Spike's hand to grab her arm at any second and ran faster until she hit the stage in complete blindness. She only got her sight back when she raised her head to look up at Xander's pained face.

_… did time in Siberia  
Was waiting for the lie…_

She shook her head and gripped Xander's leg, begging him to stop. She couldn't take it anymore.

_… dark and mysterious  
When the one you want doesn't want…_

Buffy's eyes shot open, her breath caught inside. She was greeted by the sight of her medieval dresser, looking old and grim. Forcing herself to inhale and exhale, she heard Xander's song outside her room, loud and clear and painful. Though she was awake, Xander's face didn't leave. It was still there, with the microphone pressed to his lips. His eyes were sadder than ever.

_I gave myself away completely  
But you just couldn’t see me  
Though I was sleeping in your bed  
'Cause someone else was on your mind  
And in your head_

She cursed under her breath and sat straight up. One hand rubbed her head as she tried to keep her eyes open. 

Now she didn't see Xander; she saw Spike, looking smug and glorious. Confused, she blinked her tears at him and wanted to pull out her hair in anger. The song coming from outside her room was too loud, so strong that it had mingled into her dream. It took her a second to remember that Renée had asked her permission to listen to some music. 

_My heart did time in Siberia  
Was waiting for the lie to come true   
'Cause it’s all so dark and mysterious   
When the one you want doesn't want you, too_

~*~*~*~

The harsh knocks left small cracks in the door. Her face hid inside the big collar of her jacket as she waited for him to answer. Her heart thudded in her throat, and she leaned against the door, forehead making a little thump, eyes closed and burning as she just stood there like a wino on a really cheap high. She sweated even though it was cool in the hallway.

She pulled her head back when the door finally opened and Spike's face appeared. "Buffy?" he asked, with an expression that implied he knew she was the one knocking on the door, yet he was still surprised she came at all. The fact that she was able to read his expression too well made her jump in with her question without thinking.

"Do you still love me?"

Spike looked even more surprised. "What?"

"Answer me, Spike," she said in desperation. "Do you still love me?"

He blinked his eyes at her and didn't answer. She didn't think much of his stare as she was disturbed by his silence. 

"You don't, not anymore," she answered for him, thinking it would be less painful than if he said it. 

"I love you," Spike whispered.

She shook her head, feeling her throat starting to lock. "I don't feel it."

He stared at her for a moment before he pushed the door open. "Come in." She looked warily inside before walking in. She stopped in the middle of the room, her eyes on the table where Spike had placed his legs offhandedly the last time she was here. The door creaked as it closed, and she spun around to gaze at him, taken aback by the emotions reflected on his face.

"My feelings for you didn't change, but I did," he said, looking calm and much weirder than usual. He padded across the room to sit in a chair and held a mug of blood to his lips. "Not the same lapdog I was. Don't follow you around like some bloody shadow."

She looked at his way of drinking, and there was something there. He was pretending to be cool, but his movements showed anxiety. Her presence made him tense. She still mattered. 

"You know me, Buffy," he went on in gentler tones before placing the mug on the table. "Put Spike in some situation, he comes out a changed man." He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. "That's what loving you did to me."

She could feel her eyes getting glassy and she sealed her lips shut, wanting to listen and not talk, desperately wanting to know how much he loved her. 

A sweet smile rose to his lips. "It made me a champion."

She turned around to hide her teary eyes and pretended to walk to the other chair. It was the one her clothes had been placed on that dreadful morning. It hadn't moved an inch from its spot, and knowing that detail made her feel an urge to beat her pathetic self to a pulp. Taking a deep breath, she sat down and finally faced him. "That night… in the rain, when we…" She couldn't go on; the hurt was too deep for her to keep on. 

"When we got hot and heavy," he continued with a teasing smirk. 

She blinked at him before a laugh escaped her mouth at his playful tone. The feeling of amusement didn't last long when she realized he was _joking_ about it. She looked at him with sad eyes and swallowed thickly. "You seemed different. Like you didn't care anymore. Like it was just sex for you."

Spike frowned in confusion. "It's never just sex with you, Buffy. You know that."

She shook her head. "It seemed like it… that night."

"Well, it wasn't," Spike said heatedly, making her wince slightly. He took his mug again and drank; his gulps were loud and his Adam's apple bobbed with each swallow. Buffy opened her mouth and closed it, unsure what to say next, but then Spike placed the mug on the table and swept a hand across his chin. Sighing, he whispered, "It shouldn't have happened." 

Buffy stared at his downcast face, stung, and her eyes started to glisten at the edges. Spike appeared taken aback by her stricken features. His expression dissolved into a look of tenderness that reminded her of Sunnydale. "We're leading different lives now; it would just complicate things. Should've stopped it." He heaved another sigh. "But I was weak. Much as it pains me to admit it."

Buffy didn't have a reply to that. She had been there, losing herself to him in a moment of weakness. She'd craved him, knowing that it was wrong, that it shouldn't have happened, and that she had been using him. But that night hadn't been about that. It had been a desperate attempt to reach out for Spike when it seemed like he'd abandoned her. 

From her silence, he must have suspected that she wasn't convinced because sadness and hurt warred in his eyes, and he directed his gaze downward. "I'm sorry that you didn't feel me loving you that night, because I was. My love for you weakened me, always does. Never doubt that." His voice was growing stronger with every word. 

Different emotions started to clash together inside her. His admission sounded sincere, but his actions showed the opposite. Was she thinking too much about how he felt? Maybe she wasn't seeing it because her insecurity had blinded her. Maybe he was telling the truth. It was _easier_ to believe that she'd been exaggerating. "You love me," she said, so low that he wouldn't have heard her if he wasn't a vampire.

"Yes." His tone was as low as hers.

"Then why…" Her voice faded, and he looked at her questioningly. "Why didn't you tell me you were back?"

He didn't answer right away. "I think… I wanted to make it on my own," he said. "I wanted to live up to my expectations. Not someone else's." 

"You could've called me, Spike," she said. He could have saved her all those tears, all that anguish, and that one drunken night with Xander. 

"And tell you what? I couldn't explain it to myself. I didn't want to come off as someone who's…" 

Over you, Buffy thought he would say. She appreciated that he trailed off before finishing that sentence. "I understand." 

A set of wide eyes looked at her and she returned that shocked stare with a sad, bitter smile. She understood. A little. She was having conflicting issues of her own. Big responsibilities, huge threats, and illegal solutions. She preferred not to think about them that much, because the mere thought of them made her want to hurl inside her mouth, reminding her of the awful person she’d become. 

"I can't imagine you working for Angel, though," she joked to lighten the mood. 

He smiled in response. 

"Then again, I couldn't imagine Cordelia working for Angel, or Wesley for that matter." It had been years since she had seen both of them. She wasn't sure how they turned out to be but the Cordelia and Wesley she remembered ought to make Angel stake himself before the next apocalypse. 

"Both dead," Spike said softly.

Every bone in her body felt like it had been stuffed with lead. Cordelia was dead? A flashback of her and Cordelia sitting at the cafeteria table back in high school swiftly sprung into her mind. She could remember the straight hair and the bangs that covered up Cordelia's forehead as she'd criticized Buffy's short hair while preparing her for a night at the frat house. Cordelia was dead?

Buffy had never been the one to ask about Angel and his crew. It had always been Willow who informed her of important details. Now that Willow was gone, there was no one to fill Buffy in. She felt a little out of the loop, more so ever since she was pregnant with Andrea. 

They hadn't spoken a word since Spike's startling revelation. Spike started to light himself a cigarette while Buffy stared numbly at her thighs. 

"So," she murmured. "No new advances on our witchy Slayer?" Her heart still pounded hard, images of Cordelia's confident smile and fashionable clothes never leaving her mind. 

"Got complicated," Spike said between puffs of smoke. 

"How? If you have her passport, she can't go anywhere."

"Oh, but she did." He tilted his head back and exhaled. "She disappeared."

~*~*~*~

Buffy peered down into her weapons chest, hastily selecting a couple of sharpened stakes instead of the swords or the crossbows. No need to attract eyes to them while they searched for Reem throughout Edinburgh.

The second she stood up, two warm arms enveloped her against a solid chest. An unwanted feeling of displeasure filled her as Xander's chin rested on her shoulder. "Hey," he said softly, kissing her neck lightly. 

She pulled herself out of the embrace as gently as she could, trying to mask her real feelings with a forced smile. "Hey."

He gave a charming lopsided grin. "I couldn't stop thinking about last night."

"Yeah." Her foot tapped restlessly, and her eyes fell on the stakes in her hands. She tried to find the right words to end this conversation, so she could get back to Spike's before sunset. 

Xander's hand cupped the back of her head and tenderly tried to pull her to his chest. She almost resisted, but then she found herself drawn into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around her again, hugging so tight that her throat locked and tears started to form. She stayed there reluctantly, clutching the stakes so hard they almost broke. 

"You can't believe how…" He let go of her, and they looked at each other, his lonely eye shining with emotion, and Buffy's chest tightened. "And to avoid any chance of sounding too pathetically sentimental, I'm just gonna say this…"

The room suddenly got smaller, and Buffy seemed to forget how to breathe. Her expression pleaded for him not to say what she thought he was going to say. 

Xander, obviously blinded by his happiness, didn't notice her distress. "I've never been this excited to get back home from work." 

That sentence wasn't even better than the one she thought he'd say.

"That butterfly feeling in your stomach, the one everybody always talked about? Never felt it this intense until today." He grinned from ear to ear. "I'm just so happy, you know?"

And she felt so crappy, lowering her gaze down at her stakes before she looked at the door.

Xander touched her shoulder. "So…"

She jerked away from his hand, looking everywhere but at him. "There's something I gotta take care of."

Disappointment reflected on his face for a second before he seemed to understand. "Oh. Um… what? A new big bad?"

She considered lying, but feared he'd ask the Slayers at the castle. Not that she thought he'd be a skeptical, distrusting boyfriend, but she felt an unexplainable sense of paranoia. "No, it's that girl again."

"You mean Reem? You got some lead?"

"Not… exactly."

He frowned. "Then, what? Why all the sudden interest?"

"It's not a sudden interest," she said quietly. 

"I know, but lately, you've never mentioned her name."

"She disappeared, Xander. I have to find her."

"But why tonight?" There was desperation in his tone, and his fingers trembled, wanting to touch her, maybe pull her into another hug. 

"I have to go." She went past him, feeling at ease when the door got closer. 

"Buffy, did something go wrong?" He said it so softly, so insecurely, that the thought of turning around to look at him scared her to the bone.

So, she walked out of the room, walked down the small hall to the living room where Renée was feeding Andrea. 

"Mommy's off to work, let's say good…"

But Buffy didn't stop, didn't even glance, just wanting to be out of the apartment. Needing to breathe.


	12. Chapter Twelve

** Chapter Twelve: **

A dark-haired man pulled open the door to Starbucks, allowing his pigtailed daughter to hop out happily. She looked adorable in her puffy red jacket, which matched her reddish cheeks; she would make a beautiful Little Red Riding Hood. The mother walked out holding a toddler sitting on her hip. She engaged in a conversation with her husband while their daughter trotted before them, humming some children’s tune. 

Suddenly, a cappuccino was right in Buffy's line of sight. She blinked before looking up at Spike, who was sipping from his hot chocolate. With a grateful smile, she reached for her drink and let the heat warm her freezing hands. Another cold night in cold Edinburgh. 

"I'm thinking this night will be a bust, too," she said, taking a long swallow from her cappuccino. 

"Night is young. It's still ten." 

"It's been young the last four nights and we've got no lead yet."

"We will." There was a slurping sound as Spike drank the last drop from his cup. "Would be much easier if we knew her new hotel."

"Maybe she's staying with one of those new friends of hers," Buffy said. Reem had apparently been hanging out with the wrong crowd for a while, a fact Spike had discovered a few days after he and Buffy had parted on bad terms after that rainy night. She wondered if Spike would have told her about it if they hadn't had that fight. He probably wouldn't, seeing as she'd always been the one pushing him for new information regarding Reem. His obsession with solving this problem on his own was driving Buffy insane. 

Tossing his empty cup in the trashcan, Spike ran a hand over his gelled head. "Maybe. Told you, only time I've seen her and her chums was in that dance club."

"Where you failed again." She tried to sound teasing, but Spike's grimace told her she didn’t succeed.

"Wouldn't have if she didn't point the bloody security at me. So sick of having them up my bum every time I get a chance to catch the bitch. By the time I got them out of my hair, she and her lot escaped. And it was already dawn." 

Buffy nodded, thinking that if she'd been around, she would have been able to get out of the club and follow Reem to her new hotel. 

The plan was to track down Reem and her hoodlums, which wasn't that easy. She eyed the people in the street in frustration, unsure if she'd recognize the kids they were searching for from the sketchy descriptions Spike had given her. And for some reason, every passing blonde girl looked like Reem, making Buffy pause to check if it was really her before walking again. 

It would have been a piece of cake if they'd known the kids' hangout place, because searching for them throughout Edinburgh was like searching for a hairclip in Dawn's giant designer bag. It would have been even easier if she'd reported the problem to her Slayers, but the recent Tuscany dilemma was taking too much of everybody's time back at the castle. 

She threw Spike an angry glance. If he hadn't lost his cell phone, it'd have helped them a lot when searching for Reem and her friends separately, a much easier way than the old “we'll meet here at this hour” plan. 

Spike grabbed her arm, and she looked at him questioningly. He nodded with his chin to a boy in the crowd. "He's one of them."

Buffy grinned. "Finally."

~*~*~*~

A grimace played across Buffy's face as she and Spike walked into the crowded club. The smoke and heat were suffocating, giving her an urge to take off her coat. A live band was playing up on the stage, and most of the people inside were on the dance floor while a good number sat at the bar. The fried food and Cokes reminded her of the Bronze; this club was obviously a hang-out for teenagers and young adults. 

She had to stand on her toes and put her mouth right up to Spike's ear to be heard over the crowd. "Are you sure they're here?"

"That's what the kid said. It's another teen club. I could see them hanging around here," Spike yelled over the loud music. "Oh, and you don't have to yell. Vampire here." 

Buffy shrugged. 

They descended the soiled stairs and mingled with the mass of people. Everyone was bumping into each other as they danced, and the sweaty bodies made Buffy grateful that she'd kept her coat on. 

Spike abruptly stopped and jerked his head toward a group of teenagers standing near the stage. They looked normal for troublemakers, but then she didn't know what to expect. The picture she'd painted in her head was a group of boys and girls wearing leather, having polished nails, and smoking cigarettes. She glanced at Spike and almost rolled her eyes at herself.

One of the boys recognized Spike before they reached them. He muttered a warning to his friends, and then all six of them braced themselves and looked at Buffy and Spike warily. 

Buffy tried a friendly smile. "Can we have a few words?" Her question was lost in the loud music, and she glanced helplessly at the band, as if begging them to stop for a minute. She stepped closer to a redheaded girl and yelled in her ear, "Can we talk outside?" 

The girl stared at Buffy for a second, and then looked at a tall boy behind her, nodding her head toward the exit. The boy, apparently their leader, studied Buffy before shrugging. He gestured for his gang to follow him outside, and Buffy and Spike walked behind them silently.

Buffy almost thought she had gone deaf when they stepped out of the club. She wondered why the teens had been standing so close to the stage when they weren't dancing. She looked at them closely, remembering Spike's words about the boys outnumbering the girls and about the redhead being the one Reem had danced with at the other club. 

Buffy fixed her gaze on Tall Boy, knowing it was better to address the leader from the start. "We're here to talk about Reem." 

The boys uncomfortably shifted their feet while their leader lifted his chin and looked down his nose at her. "We thought so." 

"Good. Then you might as well tell us where she is, so everyone can happily go their separate ways." 

He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall with a smug smile. "What's in it fer us?"

Buffy heard Spike's low growl and placed a hand on his arm to stop any irrational reaction. "How much do you want?" She could feel Spike's shocked stare boring into her head.

The boy licked his lips in a show of childlike mischief. "A thousand pounds." His followers gasped.

"Are you bloody…"

"Fine," Buffy cut in, her eyes holding the boy's in a firm stare.

"Buffy, don't listen to this tosser…"

"So, where is she?" Buffy asked, interrupting Spike again. She gave him a fleeting look, reminding him that he'd agreed to let her handle this on her own. 

The boy extended a hand. "The money first." 

Buffy reached inside her pocket and brought out a credit card. She handed it to him silently and watched as he examined it to check if it was fake. "So, yer just handin' me yer credit card?" 

"You can take all the money in there."

Wide eyes gazed at her like she had just grown horns. Buffy stood her ground and paid no attention to anyone but the gang leader, who appeared as shocked as everybody else. When the stunned silence went on longer than she'd expected, she explained with a sigh, "I care about that girl." 

The boy looked at the card suspiciously and then back at Buffy. "This doesn't sound right."

"If you have doubts, let's go to the nearest machine, and you can check for yourself."

All of a sudden, Reem's redheaded friend jumped between Buffy and Tall Boy. "She went with Arnold," she blurted out. 

"Tina!" her leader exclaimed in displeasure, tightening his grip on the card.

Tina looked nervously at Buffy, apparently scared to disobey Tall Boy but unable to keep the truth any longer. "Reem has a dream of being a doctor, and Arnold's aunt's a neurologist. Now she's with Arnold's aunt looking at universities."

Buffy opened her mouth to comment, when Spike's suspicious voice interrupted. "You're lying."

Tina looked at Spike defensively. "It's the truth."

Buffy noticed Spike looking at something other than Tina and followed his line of sight. She caught the pleased expression on Tall Boy's face before he tried to mask it with a casual look. 

Spike pointed a finger at him. "Boy there knows the truth." He walked closer to Tall Boy and grabbed him by the collar. "Tell us where the bint is."

No answer was given, and Spike's expression threatened to kill, so another boy among the group started to rock back on his heels, eyes on the ground. "She is with Arnold." All eyes turned toward him. "But… he took her to his flat."

Tina's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Why would he lie about his aunt?"

The boy glanced weakly at her. "He was trying to prove he could do a virgin Muslim girl after Sam got her a bit of green. Just for a laugh, like." His eyes landed on the leader, Sam, and he bit his lower lip in a show of apology. 

Sam snorted, pushing Spike's hand away. He fixed his collar while looking at Spike with unwise bravery. 

"Is that true?" Buffy's voice was heavy with disgust, making no effort at all to hide her displeasure.

Sam shrugged with a smirk, unaware of Tina's hand as she snatched the credit card from him. He let out a startled exclamation, which Tina ignored as she handed the credit card to Buffy. 

Buffy shook her head. "Keep it. It was fake anyway."

"You tricked me?" Sam had the nerve to look deceived. 

Feeling her stomach clench more in frustration than fury, Buffy rammed the heel of her hand into his sternum. She watched him cower in pain before her and upturned her mouth. "Girls are not games, you jerk."

She turned her attention to Tina. "Can you take us to Arnold's place?"

Tina nodded slowly, glancing at her friends with shock and abhorrence.

~*~*~*~

Buffy and Spike barged through the door with Tina trailing after them. Arnold's apartment appeared less Victorian and more modern, making Buffy feel like she was back in America. She eyed the turned-on TV, the leftover of a McDonald's meal, and the wide range of CDs next to the big stereo. Typical teenage boy apartment. 

A lean, dark-haired boy arrived in haste from a room to their left. He cast frightened eyes at the broken lock of the apartment door before looking accusingly at Buffy and Spike. "Here, I can hardly cover the rent delivering fast food dinners, now I've got to pay the landlord to fix the lock on the door!" 

Tina twisted her lips. "Yer dad _bought_ ye this flat."

Arnold's attention snapped to her, just noticing her. "Tina, what's happening?"

"I'll tell you what's going on." Spike punched Arnold's jaw, and he tumbled back from the force of the blow, falling to the floor. Spike grabbed him by the neck and stared him down. 

Buffy stepped forward to stand next to Spike, looking at Arnold's alarmed expression. "Where's Reem?" 

"Huh?" Arnold's eyes hadn't left Spike's, probably in fear he would get hit again. 

"Bleached blonde, thin, and Middle Eastern," Buffy said in a hard tone, feeling no sympathy for the boy who was about to pee his pants. 

Arnold choked, grabbing Spike's hand on his neck in a desperate attempt to free himself. Spike took the hint and let him go, only to take hold of his collar and pull him near so they were face to face. "Now tell us, where's the girl?" 

"I-I dunno."

Spike punched him again, making his head snap back and his body fall to the floor yet again. Arnold's bleeding teeth started to chatter, and he withdrew from Spike in horror. "I swear. I know nothing."

"Your friends told us she was with you last time they saw her," Buffy said, glancing at Tina, who nodded in confirmation. 

Arnold trembled on the floor, looking at Spike cautiously. "Seriously, I don't know where she went."

Spike pulled him up roughly and barked, "But she was here, now wasn't she?"

"Yes, yes, she was," Arnold stammered. 

"What did ye do to her, Arnold?" Tina gritted out. Every muscle in her face was rigid, and she looked as if the only thing in the world she wanted was to pop him in the nose. 

Arnold's eyes pleaded for mercy. "I didn't do a thing."

"But you intended to," Buffy said with disgust. 

He looked down, shamefaced. "Yes." Then he returned his frantic gaze to Spike. "But I didn't. Believe me."

Impatient, Spike shook him hard. "Where is she?"

A sob escaped Arnold's mouth, and tears began to gather in his eyes. "I dunno."

Buffy sighed, crossing her arms. "Tell us what happened." Her eyes narrowed. "And no more stalling."

"She… she was strong. Too strong," Arnold choked out, the tears that were gathering finally falling. "She knocked me out and then buggered off! I dunno where she went after that. Honest." 

Spike glanced at Buffy briefly before he knocked Arnold unconscious with another strong blow.

~*~*~*~

Buffy touched the ballerina trophy on top of Tina's console cabinet as she and Spike waited for Tina to come out of her bedroom. Reem had been staying here after Spike had broken into her hotel room and stolen her passport; she was either done with hotels or was a little short on cash. 

Buffy turned around and found Spike making himself comfortable on the couch, taking out his lighter and pack of cigarettes. She frowned at him and shook her head no. His lips twisted in displeasure, but he returned the lighter and pack of cigarettes to his pocket. 

Hearing the click of Tina's bedroom door, they turned their attention to the girl coming out with a Coach backpack. She handed it to Buffy with a thoughtful expression. "I wonder why she never came back. Maybe she thought I planned for her to get raped as well, but I thought she'd come back for her bag, at least."

Buffy tightened her grip on Reem's backpack. "I bet she wanted to, but couldn't." She set the bag on a table and searched inside, feeling Spike peering over her shoulder. There were a few clothes, beauty products, an iPod and other uninteresting items. She searched the side pockets and found Reem's visa, credit card, and ID. Glancing at Spike, she figured that Reem's disappearance must have been against her will, since leaving those things behind would be irresponsible and very unlikely. Their encounter with Arnold didn't change the fact that Reem had probably been kidnapped… or possibly killed. 

Buffy pulled the zipper shut. "Thanks for the bag."

"I hope she's all right," Tina mumbled sorrowfully. 

Buffy looked at her, noticing how her eyes were glistening on the edges. "When did you guys meet?" she asked, curious. 

"Weeks ago, maybe a month ago, I'm not sure. At Burger King. She was too uptight, probably ’cause of how she was brought up. I couldn't stand it; I wanted her to loosen up a bit. To be a part of the group. I didn't think Sam would take her in, but weirdly, he did." Looking at her feet with regret, she continued, "Now I know why."

"She was nothing but a game." Spike held up his lighter to the cigarette sticking out of his mouth. He exhaled deeply, and a cloud of smoke rose in front of his face. "Wankers like that like themselves a challenge." 

Buffy shook her head at his poor manners, and Spike replied by exhaling more smoke into the air. She ignored him and ran a soothing hand down the distressed girl's back. "I think it's better if you stop hanging out with those guys, Tina. I don't think their idea of fun is the same as yours." 

"I wish I never dragged her down that road." She looked at Buffy with sincere guilt and disgrace. "But she seemed so desperate for a friend, y'know?"

Buffy's throat closed over any response she could have made. She understood the loneliness caused by running away from family and friends, staying away for months without a confidant. That probably wouldn't have happened to Reem if she hadn't been a Slayer; she wouldn't have been capable of running away and eventually falling victim to sick teenage boys' traps. 

Anguish flared briefly in Tina's gaze. "If you find her, can you tell her I'm sorry?" 

Buffy looked at her with sympathy. "I promise. And, hey, I'm sure she appreciates you letting her stay at your place when she needed it."

"It was a laugh having her stay over. I thought she'd left the hotels 'cause she got skint, but then…" Tina glanced at Spike, who snorted. 

"If you ladies are done with the chit-chat, I'll be out in the hall," Spike grumbled, raising an eyebrow at Buffy before going out.

"I better go." Buffy smiled kindly at Tina. "Take care." 

Tina half smiled, shoving her hands into her pockets, her slumped shoulders mirroring Buffy's. Sighing, Buffy hoisted the backpack onto her shoulders and walked out of the apartment. 

She found Spike sitting on the steps outside the building, still smoking but staring into space. She sat next to him, bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around her legs. She noted the weary lines on his face and could relate. Every chance he missed to catch Reem meant another failure at rescuing Angel, and if anyone knew how bitter failure tasted, it was Buffy. 

Placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, Buffy and Spike held each other's gazes. "Guess I'm taking this to the castle," she said. "Our only solution right now is magic."

With a lopsided smile, Spike closed two fingers on the cigarette and pulled it out of his mouth. He dropped it to the step below his and ground it out with his foot. "I'll finally get to see that castle of yours, then?" 

Buffy frowned. "There's no need for that. The Slayers can do the locator spell while we keep hitting the street."

"That’s useless, Buffy. ’Sides, I'd like to know about that part of your life." His smile grew warmer. 

She felt the usual surge of mixed emotions that went through her whenever Spike expressed a desire to learn more about her current life. There was also a blend of discomfort and fear at the thought of them coming to surface. However, she couldn't refuse his offer after what he’d just said.

~*~*~*~

Buffy set a meeting with the squad, warning them not to utter a word to the man she was bringing tomorrow, not even a hello. They were also ordered not to speak one word to Xander about a strange man visiting the castle, which she justified by the fact that Xander was no longer part of their organization. From her place in the center dais, she could see the raised eyebrows and confused expressions, and her fingers tightened around the steel rail she was holding until her knuckles went white. She'd expected some questions or complaints, but none came. It was a blessing that her Slayers had so much faith in her that they never questioned the methods she took, even when they appeared hesitant about some of them. 

Not wanting to push her luck, she decided to change the subject to other troubling matters. "So, is the group going to Tuscany set and ready?" She wrapped her arms around herself, directing her question to Leah.

"Yah. They'll be heading there in a few hours." 

Buffy nodded. "Good. Hope everything is fine over there." She went down the stairs with a sigh. Two days ago, they had lost contact with the squad in Tuscany. All the computer screens showed nothing. Not only that, but it seemed that there was no life over there at all. Even their locator spells couldn't find any trace of a Slayer. 

She looked at her watch. It was way past midnight, and she was late. 

Again.

~*~*~*~

Buffy brushed a strand of hair back, gazing out her window at the empty street. She didn't expect to see anyone outside at five a.m. It always looked boring and lifeless at night without the wandering people and passing cars. Sometimes she missed the sweet denial in Sunnydale. It was different in Edinburgh. People knew perfectly well that monsters lurked at night, which was why not many of them left the house after sunset without a noticeable weapon. 

She glanced at her equally empty bed illuminated by the moonlight. She'd just come back home to find Xander asleep in his old room with Andrea's crib next to him, both looking neglected in their slumber. 

She gripped her pajamas tightly as her fight with Xander yesterday echoed in her head. She'd been too busy for her family; days spent at the castle and nights spent with Spike searching for Reem and her friends. It didn't help that her neglect had started right after her relationship with Xander had jumped to a new level.

She sighed, feeling the weariness from so much pressure all the way down her bones. She thought about going to Xander's room and placing tender kisses on his and Andrea's foreheads, but her eyes were suddenly hypnotized by the dawn. Xander would be up soon, and she didn't feel like facing him when he was awake, at least, not when her head was spinning so badly. So, she left her place by the window and went to bed. She had to get all the sleep she could before meeting Spike later at sunset.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

** Chapter Thirteen: **

They couldn't be killing off Boone, could they? He was such eye candy, Dawn's favorite character. Apparently, _Lost_ was going to play the 'nobody’s safe' card, making the show more daring by killing off main characters, so viewers wouldn't get a sense of security in knowing nothing permanent usually happened to them. Unfortunately, Buffy wasn't as emotionally invested in the episode as she should be. It looked like the perfect episode for a good cry - if Boone was going to die anyway - but Buffy's attention was mostly on her watch. 

She gripped her thigh to stop her bouncing leg and glanced at the clock, as if its arrows would be pointing at different numbers. All time-telling devices confirmed that it was almost five p.m. and Renée wasn't back yet. Great. The one day Buffy decided to skip the castle to spend time with Andrea, only to wake up and find that Renée had taken her out to the mall. On the phone, Buffy had wanted to express her disapproval that Renée hadn't asked her permission to go out with her daughter, but then Renée had told her that she'd gotten Xander's permission. She'd said that she didn't know Buffy was home when she'd gone out with Andrea, and had assumed that Buffy was at the castle like always. 

'Like always.' Renée had said it casually, but Buffy could hear the same pointed tone of Dawn's voice. _"I got Willow's permission to go to Janice's since you weren't home. Like always."_

Locke's anguished scream on TV matched Buffy's inner scream of frustration. Why couldn't they see how busy and burdened she was? It wasn't like she wasn't home on purpose. She had other responsibilities she had to take care of, Slayers to find and save, vampires to help and cure, and castles to run. 

Her heart jumped, as did she, when she heard the sound of keys unlocking the door. Her grin gradually vanished as Xander walked into the apartment.

"Renée, my flat belly is growling ‘Big Mac!’ so I hope you didn't…" His voice died when his gaze landed on her. They stared at each other in an uncomfortable, heavy silence that was only disturbed by the sound of TV. 

Buffy managed an awkward smile. "Renée isn't back yet. But she will be. Soon." Looking down at her feet, she mumbled low so he wouldn't hear, "I hope."

Xander's only response was to close the door, and then walk toward his room. Buffy's heart thumped while her mind yelled at her to stop him. He couldn't just walk away without saying a word to her; things shouldn't be this awful between them. 

"Hey," she said quickly. When he didn't stop walking, she added, "Thanks for taping this week’s shows. I'm watching the new _Lost_ episode right now. Can you believe they're …"

The door to Xander's room smacked shut, and Buffy clamped her mouth closed. Stunned, she stood there, staring at the door, knowing deep down that she was the one who’d driven their relationship to this point. But Xander was being impossible, wanting to lock her in this apartment with him and Andrea for the rest of her life, expecting her to laugh and joke and play mom for all the years to come. How could she get it into his thick head that even if he had abandoned that lifestyle for a normal life, she hadn't? So what if she was spending less time with him and Andrea? It wasn't because she wanted to; it was because she had to. 

She rubbed her glassy eyes and heard the apartment's door being unlocked. With a false smile, she looked at Renée pushing Andrea's stroller inside. 

"Hey, sweetie," Buffy whispered and headed toward her daughter, taking her into her arms. 

"Hi," Renée said, trying to mask her surprised expression with a smile. 

Buffy smiled back at her, and then returned her gaze to Andrea, who was more interested in the lock of Buffy's hair that fell on her tiny face. She opened her mouth wide and tried her best to capture the hair and suck on it. It was so adorable that Buffy found herself kissing her cheeks several times until Andrea whined in displeasure, preferring to put something in her mouth instead. 

"I was thinking of venturing into homemade Mexican food tonight. But since you're here, I'm guessing you and Xander would like to have the night to yourselves."

Buffy bit her lower lip, uncomfortable. "I can't. Tonight. Lots of work at the castle."

"Oh." There was an unmistakable disappointment mixed with annoyance in Renée's eyes that switched to sympathy when she looked in the direction of Xander's room. 

Buffy's throat locked, and she avoided Renée's disappointed face by looking at Andrea, who was ignoring her. She tried to get her attention, and each time she failed a piece of her heart fell, dripping onto the floor one after another. Suddenly, the apartment started to get smaller, suffocating her, and all she wanted at the moment was to be out in the fresh air, away from the heated stare. 

Hearing Xander's door open, she handed Andrea to Renée in haste. "I gotta go." She patted her pocket to make sure her cell phone was there, slipped into her sneakers, and hurried out of the apartment, not daring to look back.

~*~*~*~

With small, numb steps, Buffy made her way to the Bow Bar, barely gazing ahead. She preferred looking at her feet, how each one dragged itself forward, losing enthusiasm for everything, just like the rest of her. The light breeze sent shivers down her body, reminding her that she'd gone out without wearing a jacket. She wrapped her arms around herself, lifting her eyes up; there was no need to cause trouble by bumping into people. 

A dull feeling spread inside her when the Bow Bar was in sight. Spike was sitting on top of a car parked in front of the pub, staring at the passing people and smoking. When he noticed her approaching him, he gave her a look that annoyed her. "You're late," he said, throwing his cigarette butt on the ground to lie next to its buddies. 

"Sorry," she said under her breath. It had been dusk when she'd left her apartment, but now the streetlights and the shops were the only source of light around. 

"You all right?" His voice sounded concerned. "You look like hell."

She unconsciously touched her uncombed hair, and then tucked the messy strands behind her ears. "Whatever," she said, already walking to the bus station, not bothering to make sure he followed her. 

Her gaze still on the ground, she saw her sneakers walking in line with Spike's black boots. No questions she didn't feel like answering were asked, and the silence this time was appreciated, helping her think about the uncomfortable one she had earlier. 

"Is that our bus?" Spike asked.

Buffy looked up, her eyes widening in alarm. "Run!" she yelled, dashing toward the bus that was just beginning to move. After excessive knocking on the door, the driver stopped the bus to let them in. 

"Should've learned how to drive a car already," Spike remarked. "We would've been there without all this racket."

She ignored him and took a seat next to the window. Spike was about to sit next to her when an overweight man accidentally knocked him into his seat. "Open your bloody eyes, wanker!" Spike growled at the poor clueless man, who looked helplessly at the waving woman he was going to sit next to. 

Spike scoffed and made himself comfortable in his chair. "Seriously. Driver’s license. Think about it." 

She ignored him for the second time, staring silently out the bus window at the fleeting trees. She could tell that Spike was gawking at her by the burning sensation on her neck. Again, she was glad he kept quiet. 

She frowned at her reflection in the window glass; her hair might not look like a nest, but it didn't look tidy, either. She searched in her pockets for a rubber band and found nothing but her cell phone. Then, she tried to comb her hair with her fingers until it looked slightly presentable. 

"Think we're there," Spike muttered.

She glanced at the road sign that was almost hidden by the green leaves of a huge tree. "Yes, we are."

Their walk to the castle was quiet. She wondered if Spike had attempted to start conversation, because with all the issues that were running in circles inside her brain, she wasn't sure she’d hear him. 

"You used to live here?" Spike gasped, looking up at the high fortress. 

A bitter smile tugged at her lips. "Yeah." It had never crossed her mind that she would miss it so much. She pressed on the buzzer and waited for Sallie to open the gates, but there was no answer from the other side. She pressed with more strength and still there was no answer. She sighed, remembering her orders about extra training sessions for all Slayers on her last visit to the castle. She called Satsu on her cell and told her to send someone to open the gates, and a few minutes later another Slayer, Lina, helped them inside and into the main hall. After a timid wave, Lina hurried toward the stairs, probably not wanting to slip and talk to Spike. 

"How did you afford this?" Spike asked breathlessly as his gaze traveled over the ancient walls. 

Buffy pinched the bridge of her nose. "Friends with big pockets." 

Spike looked at a very old mirror. No reflection, as expected. "What friends?"

"They're… sort of anonymous." She played with her collar, wishing Lina had stuck around so she could use her as a distraction. 

Her response earned her a shocked look that was followed by a cool stare. "Oh. I get it."

She let go of her collar and folded her arms, letting out an irritated sigh. "Don't make a big deal out of this."

"I'm not. Said I get it, don’t I?" he retorted with aggravation. "Let's just find the obnoxious chit, shall we?" He started walking, but stopped after two determined steps, not knowing where to go, and turned to Buffy with a head nod to lead the way. She shook her head and walked past him to the stairs. 

"So, you were never in Rome?" he asked in a matter-of-fact tone, already knowing the answer, but obviously wanting an explanation. 

She looked at him with an amused smile. "I assume you heard that from Andrew." He nodded. "No offense, Spike, but only an idiot would actually believe a thing Andrew says. Especially someone who actually knew him." She knew she wasn't being fair to Andrew, but since she was still upset with him about the tape, the bet with Xander, and the fact that he'd known Spike was alive and never told her, she couldn't help resenting him a little. 

"But you were there," Spike insisted. "I saw you. Dancing with the sodding Immortal."

"I don't even know who that guy is," she said, already putting clues together about why Andrew thought it was funny to have the Buffy-decoy dating the Immortal. "Besides, what kind of name is Immortal? Was that his birth name or something he started to call himself? Because either way it just smells of cheese." 

Spike grinned. "Always thought so." Then he frowned. "So that wasn't you dancing with him?" She shook her head. "But… she had your scent."

Buffy's brows reached her hairline, impressed. "Giles definitely outdid himself."

Spike twisted his mouth and shrugged his shoulders. "Where is the old sod anyway?"

"Russia," she answered, surprised that Spike hadn't asked about the reason behind the Buffy doubles; nonetheless, it was a big relief. She hoped they would reach the Central Command before Spike asked any more questions.

"And Willow?" There was some resentment mingled with bitterness in his tone. She wondered what had Spike upset with Willow, unless he'd run into her in the last couple of years. 

"Don't know," she answered, feeling the tingle of hope born inside at the thought of Spike running across Willow after she'd left them. "I haven't heard from her for more than a year now. All we know is that it has something to do with magic." 

"Thought she was in a different dimension," Spike said. 

She looked at him, interested. "Where did you hear that?"

"We needed her help a while back, were told she was in a different dimension." He scrunched his eyes shut and shook his head. "Or something else. I don't remember."

"Astral projection, that's what she told Giles. I'm not so sure it's true, though." 

"He was telling the truth, then," Spike said, bringing her back from the bitter memory lane. 

"Who?"

"Giles. We needed Willow's help; he wasn't giving it. Thought he was giving bullshit excuses just because we were working for Wolfram and Hart."

"Can you blame him?" Buffy quickened her pace, hoping to get to the Central Command sooner. "I still wonder what Angel was thinking." 

Spike fell into silence just as her cell phone started to ring. Taking it out of her pocket, she saw Dawn's name on the screen. With a weary twist of her lips, she silenced it and returned it back to her pocket. 

"Who's that?" Spike asked.

"Just Dawn."

"Why didn't you answer?"

"Does it look like a good time to have some pointless social chat?" she reasoned, and watched him shrug indifferently. If she was honest with herself, it hadn't been a good time to chat with Dawn for a while now. She wasn't in the mood for another scolding from her kid sister about how she had become distant from her family. She had Xander for that.

Everybody appeared busy at Central Command. Anna and Judy were concentrating on a glowing red ball between them. Satsu, Jinni, Ran and several others were busy on the computers. The screens showed pictures of rural roads and the inside of one of their helicopters. Other screens showed still pictures of their organization in Tuscany.

"Wow," Spike said in a tone that was a mixture of shock and sarcasm. "Like walking into the Enterprise."

Buffy gave him a look.

"There's more to me than soaps," Spike said defensively. When her look was accompanied with a raised eyebrow, he hung his head. "Fine. Xander had this Star Trek marathon when I was stuck in his basement of cat urine." 

Buffy's amused chuckle was cut off by Jinni's exclaim, "Ma'am." 

Upon hearing Jinni's greeting, all the others turned their attention to Buffy and Spike. Leah smiled from her position in the middle of the room, standing in the platform where she could command the others. Buffy fought the older memories when a certain one-eyed idiot used to occupy that position. "Yer here," Leah cheered. "As ye see, everything's under control."

"I hope so," Buffy said. "I have another crisis for you."

~*~*~*~

Buffy looked around her old bedroom, noticing no changes since she'd moved out. She hadn't taken all of her clothes and stuff with her to the apartment, so the bedroom still looked like it was used, if a person could ignore the dusty appearance of her yellow-orange curtains and bed sheets. Her weapons were still displayed on the wall next to her window. Some of her makeup was still on top of her dresser, and there were a few books in the drawer next to her bed. 

"Interesting paintings," Spike commented, staring at the Little Nemo picture hung on her wall. The frames used to contain paintings of nature, all of which did not interest her. She was surprised to find the Little Nemo one in the basement. She'd traded Sallie a boring painting of a waterfall for the 'Mary, Queen of Scots.' She was hoping to trade an ugly oil painting for the Diana in Liz's room, but Liz wouldn't budge. She nearly had the same taste as Buffy. 

"I like this one." Spike nodded at the weird smudgy painting that she was just thinking about. 

"Really?" Buffy scrunched her nose at the rejected painting. "It's all blue. And more blue."

Spike stood right under the painting, all of a sudden appearing more like a professional art critic. "If you look beyond the surface, you can see a beautiful transparent world. Look at this area where the sea waves break. Has a turquoise see-through color. Looks natural…" He stopped when he noticed her amused look, finally caught up with the poetic burst that had taken over him. "Bloody hell," he muttered.

Buffy burst into laughter. "Oh, boy. What was that?" 

Spike grumbled something she couldn’t hear and looked away.

"I never knew you liked art."

Spike shrugged, still not meeting her eyes. He looked pathetically adorable, and she was a little intrigued. She couldn't recall seeing this side of him, although he did use some flowery words when he'd tried to woo her in the past, especially before the soul. 

Buffy grabbed him by the arm and pulled him toward the painting. "C'mon, talk more about this see-through reality." Doubtful, he raised an eyebrow, and she forced her features to appear serious. "Really. I'd love to hear more." 

Spike pursed his lips in show of reluctance before he pointed at the painting. "See that light brown color over there?" She nodded. "Abandoned seashore. No traces of human feet and no scattered rubbish. Pure. Beautiful. Lacks people's mark and effect. Just nature flowing." He cast her a meaningful look. "Nice place to live in. No responsibilities, no fateful mistakes, no guilt." 

Her heartbeat sped up as she stared at him, astonished. She closed her parted lips, feeling fragile and naked under his piercing gaze. 

Someone cleared her throat by the door. "Ma'am, may I speak with you?" Satsu asked politely. 

Buffy nodded, throwing a fleeting glance at Spike, who shrugged before walking to the window. Buffy followed Satsu out to the hall. "What is it?" she asked.

"The group we sent to check on the Tuscany organization…"

"Did you find something?" Buffy interrupted. 

"We lost contact with the group," Satsu said solemnly. 

"What?" Buffy gasped. "What is it? Did they detect something at Central Command?"

"Leah thinks that the whole organization disappeared."

"You mean there's something in Tuscany?" 

"I'm not sure. We lost contact with the group we sent before they reached the organization. So whatever it is, it's not only in Tuscany."

A bead of sweat gathered its weight and rolled down Buffy's temple, like the hall was in a sudden hellfire. The situation at hand was far more overwhelming than she’d thought.

"Rowena was with them, ma'am," Satsu tried to sound natural, but the thought of one of her best friends disappearing was too much for her to keep her usual cool.

Buffy touched Satsu's arm with affection. "Don't worry. We'll find her."

Satsu gently pushed Buffy's hand away from her arm and looked straight into Buffy's shocked eyes, regaining her calmness. "Any orders, ma'am?"

Satsu's formal behavior had Buffy taken aback for a second before she hardened her face and straightened her back. "You and I will be heading there. Pick the best Slayers and we'll go tomorrow morning. Leah will still be in charge here."

Satsu nodded and marched away, like a soldier who’d just received an order from a general. For a minute there, it seemed like Buffy was connecting with Satsu, but in the end, she was nothing but her superior. These girls didn't want a friend; they wanted a leader, someone competent enough to teach and direct them to victory. Xander had once said that it was hard for him to connect with the girls because they looked up to him, but once he'd retired it had gotten easier to be friends with them. Although, if retiring was the only way to feel the connection, Buffy would do without. She couldn't retire and leave this whole mess for someone less experienced to run; she wouldn’t be able to live with that guilt.

Turning back to her bedroom, she stopped short at the weird, nearly satisfied smirk on Spike's face. He looked like he'd just discovered he was part of her favorite sexual fantasy where she got to play nurse. His stare made her take a couple of steps back as she felt a rush of intense heat all over her body. 

"What a load of cobblers," he said, chuckling slightly. "Anonymous friends, you say?"

Her heart dropped. "What?"

He leaned to the side so his shoulder was resting against the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest, his smirk growing. "So, now you're nickin' diamonds?"


	14. Chapter Fourteen

** Chapter Fourteen: **

The deer in headlights stare left Buffy's face and was replaced with an indifferent one to mask the anxiousness building inside her. She headed past Spike into the bedroom, not stopping until her eyes landed on the blue painting Spike had been praising earlier. She wished they would get back to that conversation. 

"Two girls were talking in the back garden. Giving me these looks, they were," Spike said.

She turned, and was struck by the grimness in Spike's expression. "Silly bints must have forgotten the keen sense of hearing a vampire has." Narrowing his eyes, he added, "'Less they don't know I’m a vampire."

He walked casually to the dresser, picked up a small eye shadow container, and used his thumb to sweep the dust. "So, you warned your little army to zip their gobs shut? Big Bad Vampire must not know about the dirty deeds little Miss Perfect committed."

She wasn't sure what to say; didn't feel like arguing with him. She just wished this whole thing would end fast, so they could get back to the mission.

Spike took his time picking up her makeup products one after the other and cleaning the dust off with his fingers. "Now I don't care if you stole the Taj Mahal. What you do with your private time is your business. But if I had to listen to all the high and mighty rubbish about Angel and Wolfram and Hart, I'd expect it coming from someone who never broke the law." He set down her eyeliner and finally looked her in the eye. "That girl gets to be critical." 

Holding his gaze, Buffy recalled the times she had broken the law before, only when it was necessary to defeat the enemy. This time, she'd broken the law because it was necessary to protect her Slayers. To her it made no difference, but this time it filled her with an unreasonable feeling of failure. "It's not what you think," she said. 

"There's nothing to think about. You obviously needed the money." His jaw clenched. "But the Buffy I know would never steal if her life depended on it." 

That earned him a glower. "Then I guess you never really knew me." 

"You'd like to think that, but I know you too well, Buffy. At least the old Buffy. This one here doesn't compare to that hero."

Buffy felt something like a heavy lead ball form in her stomach and pried her gaze away from him, studying her feet. She forcibly restrained herself from meeting his eyes again. 

Spike moved from his spot next to the dresser, and then she could see her sneakers touching toes with his black boots. Swallowing, she met his eyes, his face so close to hers, looking confused, as though trying to understand how she became this new person. 

She took a step back, away from that gaze. "You weren't here," she whispered. 

Spike cradled his head in his hands, looking wilted by her words. "And she's on again about it. Didn't tell you I was back, horse is _bloody_ dead." He dropped his hands to his sides, and his shoulders slumped a little. "And so is the Buffy I know."

Her mouth twitched in frustration. "You're not the Spike I know, either."

"Told you that the other day." 

"Guess I didn't believe you." She felt her bottom lip beginning to twitch, and bit on it. "Just like you didn't believe me when I told you I love you."

He snorted, shaking his head and turning toward the door. The thought of strangling him perturbed her because she knew it wouldn't work. When did he turn from the man who healed her wounds to the one twisting the knives in them? 

"Do you remember what you told me that night, Spike?" she asked, desperately hoping that man she knew then would come back. "That you've seen me at my worst and yet you still loved me?" She spread her hands. "Here I am. Can you possibly love this Buffy? She turned thousands of girls into freaks, took them away from their homes and any chance they'd ever have at a normal life. She's a terrorist who hides from governments. She's a thief. She's giving up on searching for a friend that disappeared. So disconnected from the world she can barely feel a thing for her daughter." Every sentence she uttered felt like a blow to her already bleeding heart as facts she'd tried to ignore slipped so easily out of her mouth.

But Spike would understand her. He would know what to say. He would make it better somehow.

" _This_ is me at my worst." Her voice choked up. The only time she'd felt this alone was when everybody in her house, from her friends to the potentials, stopped believing in her and wanted her away. But she hadn't really been alone, because Spike was still there.

She pictured _that_ Spike. With a warm hand, he touched that bruise in her heart and healed it, bringing back her courage and strength. Giving her back the power she'd been stripped of. 

"So, what's it gonna be, Spike?" her voice quivered. 

He wouldn’t even look at her, much less say he still loved her. She was surprised there were tears in her eyes. Her hand shook before it rose up to wipe the tears off her cheeks so that Spike wouldn't catch her crying. It wasn't necessary, though, because Spike never looked back. 

He just left.

~*~*~*~

Buffy rubbed her tired eyes as she made her way inside her building. There was no time to wallow after Spike had stormed out. She had to lay out a few instructions and get _a lot_ of training done before they left for Tuscany. All they needed now was a good eight hours’ sleep before taking off. She glanced at her watch. Six-twenty. Xander must be up by now.

She pushed the door open and hoped that Xander had either left earlier than usual or that he hadn't set his clock right. The clink of plates from the kitchen told her otherwise. If she could just slip into her bedroom, things would be perfect. She took off her sneakers and padded her way silently to her room. 

"Oh, you're back early today?" the sarcastic voice greeted her from behind. She wearily turned around to see Xander standing by the kitchen door in his construction outfit. 

"Things are getting…" she tried to explain, knowing full well it wouldn't work.

"You're never home these days," Xander cut her off in a low, angry tone. "I'm your boyfriend, and I barely see you." 

"Yeah, 'cause the best way to save the world is snuggling in bed with my boyfriend." She regretted it the second she said it and hated herself more when she saw the glimpse of a pained expression on his face, quickly masked by an annoyed stare. 

"The girls can take care of it, Buffy," he reasoned. "You're never here for Andy, either."

Buffy squinted. "She's not in danger now, is she?"

A stunned look was added to the already angry expression. "So she has to be in danger for you to spend time with her?"

"No, of course not." Buffy sighed, frustrated. 

"If you wanna move to the castle, then go." Xander's yelling only added more pain to her headache. She hoped the fight would end now, so she would be able to get her much needed sleep before the rescue trip. "I know how it is. 'It's all about the mission.' There's no time for friends and family."

Buffy looked at him, dazed.

"She's your daughter, Buffy. She needs you all the time." With that said, he grabbed his hard hat and briefcase and walked out of the apartment. As if on cue, her cell phone started to ring. With a tired sigh, she brought it out and gazed at the screen. It was Dawn. Perfect, she needed to vent.

~*~*~*~

"Can you say one sentence without calling Xander names?" Dawn suggested weakly through the phone. "Isn't it time yet to tell him about Spike?"

"I don't need to tell him about Spike. I need him not to say those things to me." Buffy paced in the living room, bumping into tables and sofas. The glass of water shook in her other hand. "I thought Xander changed." She sighed.

"He did," Dawn said. "He's a father. Andy comes first now."

"I get it. I'm a lousy mother…"

"Buffy," Dawn interrupted. 

"A lousy girlfriend, a lousy friend, and a lousy sister. No matter how hard I try, I'll always suck." Disappointed faces haunted her every second. Spike's, for how much she'd changed. Xander's, for not spending more time with him and Andrea. Renée's, for not being able to return Xander's affection. Satsu's, for her inability to provide answers to Rowena and the others' disappearance. Even little Andrea had been ignoring her the other day. It was too exasperating; she needed something she could fight. Something she could defeat. Today she would march to Tuscany with her scythe in her hands, doing exactly what she'd always done, what she could do. 

At that thought, she said, "But I was always a good Slayer. No, not good. Great. It's the only thing I'm good at."

"Buffy, c'mon," Dawn started defensively. 

"Maybe it's time I do it the old-fashioned way." She hung up, throwing the cell phone on the couch, and stormed into her room. She tossed a duffle bag on the bed, followed by some clothes. She began stuffing them in the bag, not bothering to fold them first. Her cell phone was ringing, but she ignored it. When she was finished packing her clothes and shoes, she dashed to the bathroom to get her toothbrush. 

She stopped at the bathroom door as the smell of baby powder filled her nose. Shaking her head, she walked to the basin and reached tentatively for the toothbrush. She ran two fingers down the green plastic stick before she grabbed hard on it. It went inside the bag in seconds. She was ready. No, she forgot something.

She walked to her dresser and before she did a thing, she let out a big sneeze from the baby powder. Pressing her forehead against the mirror, she realized that Andrea must be at Renée's; there was no way Xander was going to leave her alone in the apartment. The criticisms rang in her ears as she took out new socks and shoved her feet into tight black boots.

Her eyes caught her tired face reflected in her mirror. Sometimes it seemed that pain was always her only friend, and tears always close, sighing not so far away. She was going to change that. Pain could be near, but she could push it off. Tears could work their way out, but she could hold them back. Sighing could be her daily habitude, but she could change the surge. Life wasn't there for her misery, nor was it there for her happiness; her misery and happiness depended on her. There would always be bumps in the road, and doors shut in her face -once it was her own house's door- but in the end she always came through… with someone else's help. 

A deep frown crossed her face. She could make it, though, on her own. All her life she’d waited for the right person with the right speech to pull her together again. Almost everyone she knew had been the key that made her stand on her feet again. She couldn't for the life of her remember a moment when she believed in herself without their speeches. 

Whether there was a moment or not, she knew she would make one now. At that thought, her cell phone stopped ringing. She was alone. Grabbing her bag, she made her way out of the apartment.

The doors of the elevator opened, and she dragged her duffle bag inside. She watched the numbers of the floors flash on the screen, nodding her head and tapping her foot restlessly. Quickly changed to the fourth floor, quickly changed to the third floor, quickly changed to the second floor, quickly changed to the first floor. 

She hurried out of the building and crossed the street, barely checking for passing cars. She stopped to gaze at the nauseating scene of a boy throwing up on his mother's shoes. The mother cursed in disgust before she started to clean the boy up while her shoes swam in the smeary repercussion. 

She turned around and made her way toward the bus station. People passed her by, concerned with their own problems. Cars went by as well, one at a time, ready for the daily races. Horns honked from time to time, pleading for cars to leave some room for others. Just life going normally around her. 

She walked past a few posters of boy bands on the walls. Two girls dashed from across the street to check out the posters, and one bumped into her. "Sorry, sorry," she squealed and followed her friend. Buffy stopped walking when she realized that this wasn't the way to the bus station. She looked from left to right trying to figure out what street it was. 

Her eyes caught a little girl walking with her parents and holding a music box. Music played whenever the little girl opened it, reminding her of her father's gift on her fifth birthday. She’d also had a lovely ceramic statue that she had displayed in the shelves of her house. A lump rose in her throat when she remembered that she didn't own those shelves anymore, that they were, as well as the statue and the music box, destroyed along with Sunnydale. She pictured herself in her house, with the fireplace, the weapons chest, the couches, the stairs, the kitchen…

Then she felt a painful push on her left arm and shoulder, making her fall to the ground. Echoes of brakes squealing violently played in her head. The ground where her head and upper chest lay was higher than where her legs rested, which was when she realized that half of her body was on the sidewalk while the other half was spread out on the street. Realization didn't take long before she saw nothing but black.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

** Chapter Fifteen: **

Buffy awoke to beeping sounds and someone whispering her name. Her eyes fluttered before she slowly opened them, wanting to call out for someone but not sure who, like there was a big fog surrounding each name of those she loved. She blinked at the person before her, trying to clear the haze. He was blond and thin and handsome, and he made her smile a little. The world around her was spinning, but she tried hard to find his name, until the fog was clear enough to realize it wasn't him.

Her small smile dropped unconsciously, looking at the blond in the white coat. "I'm sure there are no broken bones," he said, reassuring her. "You have a few bruises. All treatable." 

"Buffy."

She blinked again, recognizing Xander's voice as he rushed in and was by her side in a second; his body almost fell on top of hers. One hand reached up to cup the back of her head while the other gripped her shoulder. He kissed her forehead and cheeks, rapidly muttering a thank you to God after each kiss. His reaction made her lower lip tremble and her eyes water a little. 

Worry clouded his expression. "You okay?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

"Is Andrea here?" she whispered.

Xander nodded. "Outside, with Renée." 

Her hand went to touch the fist on her shoulder. "I wanna see her."

He nodded again and moved quickly outside. Seconds later, he was back with Andrea in his arms. Buffy reached out her hands, and he gently helped her hold their daughter in a comfortable position. She hugged Andrea to her chest, letting the tears gathered in her eyes slip down her cheeks, and feeling Xander's hand tenderly stroking her hair. 

She realized after a while that the doctor had left them alone, and she was grateful for the privacy. 

Andrea blinked confused eyes up at her. Her arms moved clumsily, making Buffy long for the day when her daughter would be able to control her arm movements and do more than just stare and cry for food or diaper change. When Buffy smiled down at her, Andrea smiled back. "She's smiling," she said, unable to hide her happiness. 

Andrea sneezed, and Buffy heard Xander chuckle softly above her head. She looked up at him, and then his smile was aimed at her. "How are you?"

"A little woozy." Buffy pinched Andrea's cheek lightly. "Mostly glad I woke up from the nightmare." 

"Hmm?" 

Buffy stared at the bundle of innocence in front of her in sorrow. "Andrea was older, and just so beautiful," she said, trying to remember the dream. "You weren't there… I wish you were, 'cause I was such a Joan Crawford." Her voice wavered a little as her arms pressed Andrea closer to her chest. "I love her so much." 

"Look, Buffy…" Xander started apologetically. 

"I've been… so long, doing what I do. It's just so hard to leave it all behind."

Xander held her hand and pressed hard. "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"But you're right. I should be here taking care of her, instead of running after some rogue Slayer."

"I'm here," Xander persisted. "I can take care of her. Renée told me about the Tuscany disaster. Saving the world should come first."

She stared at his affectionate eye, thinking about removing the eye patch from the other one, wanting to see another eye full of affection looking back at her. 

"If the world is in danger, she is," Xander concluded, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on her lips. That small reminder of what they were to each other made her heart squeeze painfully with guilt. He would be crushed if he knew about Spike being alive, and especially in Scotland. She didn't want to cause him this kind of pain, which was why she knew she had to make up her mind about Spike sooner rather than later. That was, if there was something to make up her mind about, since this time it was Spike who'd stormed out with a huff. He was probably too fed up with her; he wouldn't want to talk again. 

"Besides, you're not Joan Crawford," Xander said. "You're Angela Bower. Except with a daughter."

"Does that make you Tony?"

Xander gave his hair a ruffle and then combed it back, a failed attempt to pull off sexy. "With my dashing Italian looks and nice, big hair." 

"Nice, big hair? Do you wanna be Tony or Peggy Bundy?" 

Xander gasped. "Hey, if you wanna compare me to a TV mother, at least pick a cool one. Someone young and hip, like Lorelei."

Buffy pointed a finger, excited. "Oh. Or Kitty from _That 70s Show_."

Xander imitated the loud, shrill laugh that made Buffy burst into laughter, causing Andrea to bounce from the rise and fall of her chest.

"So…" Xander said when Buffy stopped laughing. "You're gonna move to the castle?" His lonely eye showed understanding and acceptance, and she knew it wasn't just about her moving back to the castle, because underneath she could see the disappointment he felt, realizing that their relationship had died before it had time to breathe. 

"No, I'm just taking a team to Tuscany. Business trip. There will be no need for me to stay at the castle once the trouble in Tuscany is resolved." Gently, her hand held his, and she hoped her gesture would tell him that even though she didn't see him as a boyfriend, she saw him as something more. He was home.

~*~*~*~

Buffy wished Xander and Andrea had stayed longer, but Xander had suggested he would go home to pack up some clothes for her discharge, and since Buffy needed her rest –an argument Xander had to drill into her stubborn head- he took Andrea with him. Xander promised that he would bring Andrea when he picked her up from the hospital. 

He had left his cell phone with her in case she needed to call anyone, since she didn't remember anyone's phone number. The first person she decided to call was Dawn, who had been worried and pissed at her. After enduring five minutes of Dawn's angry lecture about how to cross a street, they went on with their daily sisterly conversation, which mainly consisted of Dawn bitching about stuck-up college girls while chewing Doritos right next to the phone. 

"So, you and Xander are broken up now?"

Buffy expected to hear disappointment in Dawn's tone, since Dawn had been pushing her to be with Xander since the first stages of her pregnancy. "Well, it was doomed from the start. Situations shouldn't be the reason for two people to get together, you know."

"Guess you're right," Dawn said quietly, sounding a little rueful. "And what's new with Spike?"

Buffy sighed. "We fought."

"Typical."

"He knows about the…" Buffy eyed the open door suspiciously. She might be using a cell phone but she was still in a public hospital. "… bank thing." 

"Melodramatic much?" Dawn retorted. "Why would he act righteous when he's been working for Wolfram and Hart?"

"Why had I been acting righteous about Wolfram and Hart when I'm running a James-Younger Gang?" A nurse smiled at her through the glass window; Buffy returned the smile with a timid one. 

Dawn huffed, apparently not sharing Buffy's concerns. "Stealing isn't like joining the forces of evil." 

"It's still immoral, Dawn." On the other hand, Buffy did need money and there wasn't a lot of options as to how to get it. Bank robbery kind of was a victimless crime because it didn't really adversely affect anyone. Sure it had some economical impact, but overall it wasn't too harsh, and in the end it was all about the greater good. Right?

"Excuse me, miss," an expressionless nurse said by the door. 

Buffy's heartbeat sped up, and she let out a loud nervous laugh as the heart rate monitor betrayed her reaction, but the nurse's expression stayed robotic. 

"Your sister is here to see you."

Buffy blinked and then turned her attention to the cell phone. "Dawn, are you doing that thing in movies where you call and then suddenly you go all surprise on me 'cause you're just outside the door?"

"Huh?"

"I'll let her in," the nurse said, turning away.

"Wait…" Buffy called after her, realizing how mechanical the nurse's lifeless voice and movements were. She stared at the door in anticipation, and her eyes widened in shock when Amy came in.

"Amy?" 

"Buffy, what's going on?" Dawn exclaimed on the phone.

"Came here to do my end of the bargain," Amy said with a dreadful smirk. 

"What?" Buffy frowned. 

Amy's eyes turned black, and suddenly Buffy was sucked into a blue-white tunnel of magical energy. Buffy screamed into the cell phone, and her other arm helplessly swung around in the air. Dawn's voice drifted into her ear yelling out Buffy's name. 

Seconds later, she found herself in front of a metal door, feeling nauseous. She couldn't help throwing up all over the floor, letting go of the cell phone. 

"Buffy Summers," a male voice hissed.

Buffy looked up while wiping her chin with the back of her hand. She was surrounded by men in uniforms. A man, apparently their general, was standing next to Amy. His face was filled with wrinkles and his expression ranged between ridicule and disgust. 

"Where did you take me?" Buffy asked Amy, her voice low and dangerous. 

Amy's only response was her smirk. 

Swiftly, a man jumped at Buffy from behind, and she was a little too lightheaded to react as he stuck a needle into her arm.

"What the…?" Buffy gasped. "What's going on?" she addressed Amy again, desperately wanting to tear that smirk off her lips. 

A few seconds passed and Amy split into two. Then merged into one. Then started to waver. Then turned all black along with everyone and everything around her.

~*~*~*~

Buffy felt drained, too exhausted to move from the uncomfortable hard steel underneath her. The air around her was chilly, and she shivered in her light hospital gown. She forced her eyes to open and was greeted with blinding light from the lamp above her. Blinking her eyes to clear the fog, she looked to her left, her vision landing on a cart that had all types of bladed tools. 

"Wha…" She tried to wiggle her body a little but couldn't as she was restrained at both ankles, both wrists, and around the chest. 

"You're awake?" Amy's voice rang in her dull ears like their high school bell, announcing the beginning of classes. Why the beginning? Because both, the beginning of classes and Amy's voice, made Buffy feel like vomiting inside her mouth. 

She glared at Amy without saying a word.

"How do you feel? Exhausted?"

Buffy kept on glaring.

"I can sense that from your aura. It’s to be expected. I'd feel the same if I was stripped of my magical powers."

Buffy frowned a little before realization hit her, and her eyes widened, petrified. That was why she felt so worn out. She hysterically started pulling against the bonds with all her strength. Usually she could tear them up with one strong pull, but all her limbs felt lighter and feebler. 

Amy laughed with ridicule. "Don't tire yourself anymore than you already are. There's no use."

"How?" Buffy gritted out under her breath.

"The scythe." 

Buffy snapped her eyes at Amy. "What?"

"While you were in the hospital, everybody back at your fairytale palace was going nuts. I was able to sneak in during the fuss and steal your precious weapon with no one noticing. They're all lost without you, aren't they?"

"That's better for us." The general walked into the room, stood next to Amy, and loomed over Buffy. Her eyes fell on his patch that read: General Martin Voll. "Soon, we'll be able to attack your little army while they're busy wondering about your disappearance."

"The Slayers in Tuscany…" 

"Trapped in our cells like animals, along with the other terrorist group you sent to check on your cell base."

"We’re not terrorists, you moron," Buffy grumbled. "You're talking about the girls who are protecting the world from...."

"Demons? Evil? Yeah, because your power came from such a pure place," he said sarcastically. "We all know what you really are. You turned thousands of girls into demons. And we're not gonna wait until you turn this world into a slaughter." He walked to the cart. "You're not dealing with just monsters anymore. It's humans, too."

He took a small knife from the cart. Buffy's heart missed a beat as he brought the knife to her body, which went rigid with anticipation. But he only used the knife to tear up the bonds that held her down on the metal table. Seizing the moment, Buffy tried to get away but General Voll knocked her down with a strong fist to her jaw. 

"Look how weak you are." The corners of his lips curled up into a devious smile. 

"Our first attempt to take away her powers is a total success," Amy said. "Now we're gonna start on the others." 

Buffy winced at that and turned her throbbing head to Amy, whose stare was fixed on General Voll. 

"So, you better start doing your end of the deal."

General Voll nodded and then looked at the two soldiers standing by the door. "Take her to a cell," he ordered. Two rough hands grabbed Buffy by the arms. She tried to fight them, but she still felt lightheaded, and secretly, she didn't want to admit to herself that they were far stronger than her. 

"Which one, sir?" asked one of the soldiers.

"The one with the other girl we kidnapped from Scotland. Let the two Scottish girls bond."

"Funny, 'cause neither of them are from Scotland," Amy noted wryly. 

Buffy was dragged into a long hall full of cells. She guessed that each one contained two Slayers inside, but couldn't see them because the only way to do so was by peering into the small slots in the metal doors. And with the way she was dragged like an animal by men twice as large and strong as her at the moment, she didn't have that choice. 

They stopped in front of a door, and one of the soldiers unlocked it before Buffy was hurled inside. The door slammed behind her, but didn't drown out the gasp from her roommate, sitting on the bed. Following the sound, Buffy let out a gasp of her own. 

The other Slayer kidnapped from Scotland, now Buffy's roommate, was Reem.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

** Chapter Sixteen: **

Nothing surrounded them but the gray empty walls, with only two flat beds attached to them on opposite sides. Buffy's leg bounced restlessly, her fingers locked together so tightly that her fingernails almost broke the skin on her knuckles. Some time had passed since she was thrown inside, and so far Reem had been trying to avoid her - as much as a person could avoid another in a very small cell. Buffy didn't mind; she was more concerned about her lost powers. Her fingers unlocked, revealing the small marks on her knuckles from where her nails dug, but no scratches. Her chest constricted at that. Making a fist and then letting go; the action felt so weak and clumsy compared to before, and it filled her with dread.

A loud jerk startled her, followed by the slot in the bottom of the door opening, where a steel tray with two plates and a couple of glasses of water was pushed inside. 

The meat slices didn't look that appealing, but the way Buffy's stomach growled with hunger, she didn't have a choice but to walk toward the tray. There were two plastic spoons that brought her close to laughing. The jerks didn't trust them enough not only to offer them a fork and a knife, but also a steel spoon. She carried the tray to Reem and held it in front of her downcast face. "Here. We better eat," Buffy said gently, sitting next to Reem with the tray on her thighs. 

She extended one plate to her cellmate, who eyed the slices suspiciously. "What?" Buffy asked, looking at the meat. Could it be poisoned? 

"Is that pork?" Reem asked, words coming out of her mouth for the first time since they'd met again. 

Buffy's mouth dropped. "Are you serious?"

Reem pursed her lips indignantly. "I'm sorry, but some of us have a religion to follow."

"You can't starve yourself to death. Just eat the stupid pig."

"They used to bring bread and some cheese. Why change now?" She cast Buffy an accusing look, as if it were her fault the menu had changed, and then hesitantly returned her attention to the pink meat. "Well, necessity permits the forbidden." She took the plate from Buffy's hands, as well as the spoon Buffy offered. Reem cut a small piece of her slice and brought the faltering spoon to her mouth. She sniffed the meat and then quickly swooped the small piece inside, swallowing it without chewing. Her face contorted with abhorrence. 

Buffy shook her head and took a sip of water. The pork was tasteless, barely cooked, and it sucked. There must be a way to get out of here. 

"Can I ask a question?" Reem said.

Buffy was a little taken aback, even though she should have guessed that there would be questions sooner or later. Of course, she thought they would be asked by her. "Shoot." She took another bite of her pork. 

"Why are you dating a vampire?"

The tray almost fell to the floor, save for Buffy's hands jerking it back onto her lap, as she nearly choked on the bite she'd just put in her mouth. "What?" she exclaimed, looking at Reem.

"Honestly, what do you see in him?" Reem's mouth twisted in disgust. "He looks gay with the nail polish and the hair and those clothes, and he's a vampire!" Her eyes went to Buffy's hospital gown. "Were you kidnapped from the hospital?"

Buffy blinked, trying to take all that in, and pushing away the childish desire to run to Spike's place and tell him that someone thought he wasn't all that. Not that she could, being locked in something that looked like the inside of a tuna can. 

Reem appeared worried. "You were. I hope it was a mild thing. Hope you're not feeling dizzy, 'cause I can't guarantee those folks would get you anything resembling healthy food. Or, you know, medicine."

"I'm… okay." The sudden concern disturbed Buffy a little, not expecting any sort of sympathy from _this_ girl. 

Reem brought up her legs and sat cross-legged; the water in her glass slopped over the edge at the sudden move. A large wet patch spread out on Buffy's hospital gown. 

"Oops, sorry."

The wet spot stuck to her thigh, and Buffy shivered slightly from the cold feeling. She smiled tightly at Reem's sheepish grin, but said nothing, trying to cut another piece of meat with her spoon.

"So, what's it like working with a vampire?"

"Same as working with a powerful witch, an ex-vengeance demon, and a werewolf."

"And you've dated all of those?"

Why was she so obsessed with that? And how ridiculous was it to think that someone would date every single person they knew? "No. Only the vampires."

"They're plural?" Reem squeaked. 

"Just two," Buffy replied defensively, suddenly feeling like a necrophiliac."I did go out with regular people, you know."

Disgust still lingered in the dark eyes before her, but some hesitance was added to it. "And the werewolf… was he dating? 'Cause that would be…" She bit her lip, looking so disturbed that Buffy's mind jumped to horrifying visuals. 

"My friend dated one," she answered, feeling blood rushing to her cheeks. "And whatever you're thinking, I haven't even discussed it with her to talk about it with you."

Reem gave a halting smile. "Sorry, but it's all so… wow, I mean, is she still dating the werewolf?"

"No. She's gay." 

"God." Reem leaned her back against the wall. "Your life is so weird… yet fascinating."

Buffy was tempted to ask about Reem's life, but then Reem suddenly stood up and set the tray close to the door. She walked to one of the cell's corners and stood facing the wall. Buffy bit her tongue chewing the hard meat, her eyes not leaving Reem, staring in curiosity. Reem raised her hands to her ears and whispered, "Allah Akbar." Then she started to murmur in Arabic. She was obviously praying, which was the most interesting thing going on in their empty, boring prison. 

Reem raised her hands again to her ears and then bowed with her hands on her knees. In this bent position, she also murmured incomprehensible words. Then she stood again, her voice rising a bit, before she knelt on her knees. She prostrated herself, with her head touching the ground and her hands on each side of her head. She rose from prostration while reciting another "Allah Akbar" and remained in a sitting position. 

Reem went on with her religious ritual for a while, and it started to get boring to watch. Buffy slid off Reem's bed and placed her plate and glass on the tray, noticing that Reem hadn't touched the other slice and there was some water still in the glass. She would have asked Reem if she could finish the other thin slice –because she was still hungry- but with the itching of the little cut on her tongue and the lousy state of these pork slices, Buffy would think twice before putting another bite in her mouth. 

She went back to her bed and continued to stare at Reem, who raised her hands up below her chin in a pleading gesture and then muttered more words in Arabic; her voice wavered at some points. When she was finished, she brushed her face with her hands and turned her face to the right, whispering a few words in Arabic, then turned to her left and whispered the same words before going back to bed. 

Now they were both lying on their uncomfortable beds, Reem with her back to Buffy. She must be still upset with Buffy for breaking into her hotel room.

"It's my turn to ask a question."

"What?" Reem mumbled, her voiced muffled by the pillow. 

"If your religion is against magic and witches, how did you get Angel sick?" There had been so much offense in Reem's expression when Buffy had referred to her as a witch. Other than witchcraft, Buffy couldn't think of any way for Reem to curse Angel. 

"Have you ever heard of the evil eye?"

"You mean the Jewish thing?" Willow had mentioned something like that some time ago. Her grandmother had warned her about it. Buffy could remember Willow explaining it to her while they were on patrol, but fighting three vampires at once hadn't given her much of a chance to listen. 

"It's not just a Jewish thing, and it isn't a myth as some would think. Usually, it happens accidentally, but some people can control it." Reem rolled over. "It works on envy. When someone's got something I want but can't have, I envy them. They become sick or brainless, and if the effects of the evil eye aren't lifted, sometimes they eventually die from illness." Her expression didn't change from the drowsy stare, which made Buffy scared. 

"That's… that's impossible." 

"Well, vampires are supposed to be a cheap horror movie thing, but they're real."

"And you do that to people?" 

There was a reflective look in Reem's brown eyes as though she were lost on memory lane. "My family sought a vampire to capture me. I can't believe they did that." Her lips were set in a thin line while her gaze lingered on the wall. "I was so scared he'd find me… and… I needed to make sure he never will."

"How did you manage to curse Angel? You said for the evil eye thing to work, he should have something worthy of your envy."

"His car did the trick."

Buffy pushed herself up to a sitting position, looking at Reem. "Look, you need to un-envy him right now."

Reem just stared at her and said nothing. 

"You gotta undo it. Angel saves people's lives. You doing this will endanger so many innocents." 

"Since when do vampires save innocent lives? Every vampire tale says otherwise. Now Slayers, I'm guessing they're the heroes. We can save the innocents with our powers." 

"Which we've lost," Buffy retorted. "Right now, Angel is the one with the power once you set him free." 

Reem didn't respond, and that made Buffy angrier. "Take away the curse," she ordered more firmly. 

Reem frowned at her hands. "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride," she mumbled.

"What?" Buffy asked, irritated. 

"I can't, okay?" Reem snapped. "Not while I'm here."

Buffy narrowed her eyes at her before resting her head back onto the pillow. After a few seconds of silence, she heard Reem murmur, "What did you mean by ‘We lost them’?"

Buffy was about to explain when it suddenly hit her. Buffy was the first Slayer they’d chosen to make a normal human, which meant that Reem still had her Slayer powers. The hope of escape was glowing like the dangling lamp from the ceiling. It glowed more when she heard the sound of the door creaking open; a hand reached in to take the tray and then the door was closed again.

~*~*~*~

"I've tried running away before," Reem said. "You can see how that worked out." 

Buffy was solemnly sitting on her bed with her hands on her bent knees. "This time will be different." 

Reem drew her feet in underneath her. "Why? 'Cause it was you who came up with the plan?" 

"It'll work. Trust me." 

Reem scoffed. "Yeah, I'll trust the woman who pinned me on the ground." 

Buffy ignored the comment and focused on the door, feeling her heartbeat getting stronger by the second. According to Reem, after each meal the captured were allowed to visit the bathroom. Four armed guards would walk each prisoner to the toilet and return her before repeating the same thing with the others. 

Once they escaped, they were going to free the other Slayers, search for the scythe, find a way to get Amy to return Buffy's powers, and get them back home. That would be a lot of work, and they might not succeed in everything, but Buffy had to get her powers back. Having lost them once before, she never wanted a repeat, and now things were far uglier than last time. 

"Can I respectfully say that plan of yours sounds dumb and impossible?" 

This time Buffy shot her annoying companion the best glare she could muster, not really in the mood to listen to more smartass remarks. "Do you wanna stay trapped here for the rest of your life?" 

"Choose the lesser of two evils, and I choose trapped." 

Buffy's glare deepened, and Reem replied with a challenging stare. Heaving a sigh, Buffy rested her head against the wall. "How long have you been here?" 

Reem didn't answer right away. When Buffy looked at her she appeared surprised, but then she said quietly, "Not sure. More than two weeks, I guess." 

"And you were here all by yourself?" 

"Not at first." 

Buffy eyed her thumb, drawing circles on her hospital gown. "Were you scared?" 

"Terrified." 

"Do you wish you'd never run away?" 

"That's none of your business." 

Well, she'd anticipated that answer. 

The doorknob of their cell turned, making both their gazes snap to the metal door. Since Reem had been alone in the room, she hadn't been sure if the guards usually took both girls in one room together. Time to find out. 

A large soldier stood by the door and pointed a huge gun at them. "You two, come out slowly." Buffy inwardly let out a sigh of relief. That was too easy. 

As expected, four soldiers were waiting for them. Two sets of guns were pointed at Buffy's sides as she and Reem were led to the bathrooms. Acting like gentlemen, the guards stood in front of the entrance and let them in instead of going inside and standing by the stalls. 

Now that they were inside, Buffy examined the bland walls looking for a ventilation shaft grate. There was one on the side of the stalls. Perfect. She grabbed Reem's arm and dashed inside the stall underneath their exit. Lowering the steel lid of the toilet seat, Reem hopped up on it, and Buffy did as well. They took seconds to balance their feet on top of the small lid. Reem's arms circled Buffy's waist before she lifted her up to the level of the grate. Buffy banged on it with her fist but it didn't give away. She wasn't as strong as she used to be without her powers. 

"What do we do now?" Reem hissed.

Buffy glanced at the door and hoped the guards didn't hear the banging. She freed herself from Reem's hold and entwined her fingers together, bringing them close to Reem's knees to boost her up. Reem hesitantly balanced her foot on Buffy's hands and pushed herself up. With a couple of bangs, the grate gave away. 

Reem was about to climb in when Buffy whispered, "I think it's better if I go in first." The ventilation shafts didn't look big enough for a person to crawl through, and it'd be hard for Buffy to squeeze past Reem to go ahead.

Reem nodded, and then helped Buffy to go in before she was pulled into the shaft. 

Buffy could barely see her way in the darkness, hoping beyond hope that the frail shaft would hold their weights long enough until they found an exit. 

"I wish there was another way," Reem said with irritation. 

"Shhhh." There was a faint light coming from a tunnel that branched off, going to the left. "Wait here," she whispered to Reem and crawled down it a little bit, peering down through the grate. There was a group of soldiers laughing at something, probably goofing off. She crawled back until she reached the main tunnel. 

"So?" Reem said, sounding hopeful. 

"No," was all Buffy said before she started to move again, wishing for another grate to light the place a little. 

All of a sudden, the ground beneath them disappeared, and Buffy found herself falling down from the ceiling to the hard floor. Reem's body landed behind her, and Buffy cringed at the loud yelp of pain Reem let out, hoping it wouldn't draw more attention to them than the breaking shaft did. Wanting to run on reflex, Buffy grabbed Reem's arm, and her head shot up. They stopped short. General Voll was right in front of them. 

Buffy tightened her hold on Reem's arm. "Do your envy mojo thing."

Reem looked at the wrinkled face and inched closer to Buffy. "I don't think he's got anything I want."

"He's got our freedom."

"It doesn't work that way."

Buffy looked at her with exasperation. "Then fight him."

Reem tried to stand up a couple of times, both failed attempts, and eventually gave up, shifting her weight to sit behind Buffy.

General Voll smirked, and right behind him appeared Amy. With a snap of her fingers, Buffy and Reem were paralyzed in place. 

"No!" Reem screamed in horror. 

"What have I ever done to you, Amy?" Buffy snapped.

"It's not you I want." Amy made circles with her finger before snapping her fingers again. "You were just part of the bargain."

Buffy and Reem fell to the floor, again able to move. They didn't have time to escape as a bunch of soldiers restrained them on the ground. "What bargain?" Buffy gritted out, fighting for breath under the weight of two large men. 

"Well, I promised these nice men I’d bring them you, and they promised to bring me Willow."

Buffy twisted her neck with an effort to look at Amy with shocked eyes. "Willow? You've got Willow?"

"Working on it." Amy rubbed her temple and smirked down at Buffy. "Soon, though, they'll find her and then…" She let the sentence hang with a devilish smile.

Buffy hardened her gaze. "You think I'm gonna let you hurt her."

"Since you're just a normal girl now, I'm thinking you're not gonna have a choice." 

Something inside Buffy was prompting her to pounce on Amy and wring her neck, but without her Slayer strength, she would never be able to escape the strong hold on her shoulders and arms.

"What a bunch of idiots we were," General Voll said, looking at Reem. "We should have started stripping this one of her powers." 

The guards started to drag Reem away, the latter's face filled with horror. "What are they gonna do to me?" She looked at Buffy with panic. "Help! Please!"

All Buffy did was look away helplessly as she was dragged the opposite way to her cell.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

** Chapter Seventeen: **

The sudden noise from the door snapping open startled Buffy out of her slumber. Reem was pushed inside so roughly she hit her thigh on the edge of her bed. Buffy rubbed her eyes, noticing the steel tray with their meal next to the door, possibly brought in when she had been asleep. Her lower back ached, and she could barely turn her head to the right. Dozing off while sitting up had proven to be a stupid idea. Not that she'd planned to sleep; she’d have preferred to spend the wasted hours searching for a way to escape from this hellhole. 

She touched her neck in displeasure, watching as Reem picked herself up from the floor and flopped onto her bed, face buried in the pillow. After several unsuccessful attempts trying to get her neck to crack, Buffy stretched her back and peered at the tray, disappointed to find the same detestable pork slices. She forced them into her mouth in silence, not attempting to comfort her quietly sobbing roommate, knowing it was better to be left alone after that experience. 

Now that they were both just regular girls, they would have to rely on outsmarting the soldiers instead of physical powers. Not that they'd really benefited from Reem's powers earlier, unless she counted breaking the ventilation shaft grate. It showed how confidence was the key word to make a good Slayer. 

Reem slid off the bed quietly, rubbing one arm across her tearful eyes, and went to the corner to pray. The hem of her shirt was slightly ripped and there was a bruise on her elbow. That sight made Buffy unconsciously bang her head against the wall in aggravation. She winced, touching her neck again, and then made another effort to crack it, but it didn't work. So frustrating, just like this situation; she wasn't used to feeling helpless and held hostage, when she was the hostage savior.

Her mind jumped to what Amy had said about capturing Willow, and then her heartbeat sped up with dread. The last time Amy had put the whammy on her friend, Willow had almost lost control again. There was no way to tell what Amy had in store for Willow once the government found her, but it was obviously going to be worse than wearing Warren's body for a whole day. 

"I see they brought our breakfast," Reem mumbled, eying the tray bleakly from her place on the floor. 

Buffy turned her gaze from the ceiling to her roommate. "Is that what it is? Breakfast?"

"Yeah, I just did my dawn prayer." She checked her watch, standing up. "Which is more like a morning prayer." She appeared more relaxed now, and Buffy envied her a little for having something to soothe her. Those guys probably wouldn't appreciate her request for a punching bag. 

Reem grabbed her glass of water, ignoring the pork, and went to her bed. Buffy banged the back of her head against the wall a second time. Now that they'd had their breakfast, soon they'd be taken to the bathrooms, if they would even be allowed after their escape attempt last time. 

She closed her eyes tiredly, wincing at the annoying ache in her neck. 

"What's wrong?" 

Opening her eyes, Buffy pointed at her irritated neck. "Strained from sleeping in a bad position." 

Reem set her glass on the floor. "Let me take a look." Her fingers pressed on the right side of Buffy's neck. "Does it hurt here?"

"A little." She pressed on the back of Buffy's neck, and Buffy flinched. "Yep. It hurts here, too."

"I'd wrap an ice pack around it, if I had ice." She examined Buffy's neck briefly. "I'm gonna massage it a little to reduce the stiffness." Taking Buffy's hand, she pulled her up, and then turned her to face her bed. Reem grabbed Buffy's pillow and handed it to her. "Sit on your knees and put this pillow between your chest and the side of the bed." Buffy did as she was told and waited, loving the idea of getting a massage; she could definitely use one under these circumstances. 

Reem undid two buttons of Buffy's hospital gown, and let her hands rest on Buffy's back for a few seconds. Buffy closed her eyes, relaxing under the light touch. Gentle hands went up to her upper shoulders, without breaking contact, and started to squeeze the muscles next to her neck before going down to the tops of her shoulders. The fingers were a little rough, and the squeezes weren't quite as gentle as they were supposed to be without using some oil or lotion on Buffy's skin. But what Reem's rough hands couldn't accomplish, she made up for with her skilled massage techniques; the pain from the pressure on her neck was tolerable. 

Buffy's legs went numb after a while, but the massage was too good to interrupt. "You're really good at this." 

"I'd be way better if we had a chair and a better pillow. I'm the person my family goes to when they strain something."

Buffy's eyelids slowly slid shut as Reem's fingers worked around her neck. The silence helped her lose herself in the peaceful tone her mind created. Imagining she was at a salon was difficult with the uncomfortable position and rubbing of dry skin, so she treated herself with visuals of Spike's room at the Bow Bar. She was leaning against his couch, enjoying his rough fingers as they pressed on her tender muscles; no words exchanged, just comfortable silence and content expressions. 

That visual lasted no longer than a fraction of a second, when Reem made circle motions with her warm fingers, and then Buffy remembered Spike's lame attempt at a massage when they'd been at his crypt. Her teasing comments had been met with a truthful comeback criticizing her massaging skills, and then both of them shrugged it off, knowing that a good night’s sleep was all they needed to heal from… whatever they'd been doing to each other in a moment of destructive passion. 

Reem worked on a sore spot, and Buffy groaned lightly. So, maybe a Slayer's body didn't need a massage, but it wouldn't hurt having one from time to time. She only needed to find someone who was good at it; they could probably build a sauna in one of the castle's many empty rooms. Maybe assign Reem to be their personal masseuse –if she'd join them, and if being a massage therapist was her dream job. Her family relied on her in this area, so maybe it was…

"You went with Arnold to meet his aunt. To check out medical schools."

Reem stopped massaging at that. "How did you know?"

"I met Tina and your other friends."

Reem went on with her massage after seconds of silence. "I was so stupid," she muttered under her breath.

So many questions popped into Buffy's head, but she preferred to save them for later. No need to stress herself out discussing Reem's lousy decisions when she was enjoying what was possibly a one-time massage. 

Reem used her fists to tap gently on her shoulders and upper back, trying the cover the entire area, and then made light downward strokes from Buffy's shoulders to her lower back. 

"We're done," she said, going back to her bed. "Do you feel better?"

Buffy rolled her neck from side to side, and felt a little pressure on her right side, but it wasn't as bad as it had been. "Yeah, better." She looked at Reem over her shoulder. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

Buffy tried to stand, grimacing when she felt the crawling ants going down her left leg. She put the whole pressure on her right leg, her pillow in her hand, and threw herself on the bed. She placed the pillow underneath her head and closed her eyes, imagining she was back home, lying on her real bed. Outside her room, Xander would be taking a shower, getting ready for work. Buffy smiled at the sound of water chattering, and Xander singing the _Family Guy_ theme song. 

She rolled her neck to the left and imagined hearing Renée cooing to Andrea and laughing at her cute expressions. Andrea's gurgles sent a ball of strength through her tranquil body, urging it to get up and do something about her situation.

A huff came from the other side of the cell, where Reem was trying to untangle her hair with her fingers. "We really need a comb in here." With a wince, she was able to untangle one knot. She looked at the split ends with exasperation. "I'm not sure I want to see my hair again."

Buffy remembered the plain bathrooms, looking so much like the bathrooms back in junior high when the whole eighth grade was punished for running off on the teacher at the field trip by removing the mirrors from the bathrooms. 

She bent her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her cheek on her knees, her eyes not leaving the spotless gray door. Dawn must be so freaked out, calling Xander the second she lost contact with Buffy. And now Xander would be considering returning to the castle and claiming his old job in an attempt to save her, leaving Andrea with Renée in their apartment. 

Everybody at the castle must be out of their minds, trying their best to bring her back. She wondered if Spike knew about her disappearance, or if he’d already left Edinburgh, searching for Reem in other cities in Scotland. There were so many questions swimming around in her head with answers that made her insides twist painfully. She could only _dream_ about her answers being wrong, and suddenly her pillow looked so appealing. 

Reem's moans stopped her from lying down again. With another sigh, she pushed herself off the bed and walked toward her roommate. "Let me return the favor."

Reem dropped her hands to her lap and let out a pitiful whimper. Buffy observed the mass of untidy thick curls. Black roots grew out six inches or more, looking a little like Shakira's hair. She sat on the end of the bed and ran her fingers through the locks; they were shortly stopped by a knot. "Why did you want to check medical schools in Scotland?"

"Because I wasn't allowed to do that in my own country."

Buffy untangled a small knot as gently as she could, unable to catch Reem's expression. "And that's why you ran away?"

"I know it sounds stupid, but you have no idea how much I've dreamed...." She sighed, slightly jerking her head when Buffy pulled a little painfully on her hair. "Everybody supported me… except Mom."

She drew her legs up and hugged them to her chest. "I knew she didn't like the idea, but I never thought she'd stand in my way."

Buffy slowly worked on a small tangle, glancing at Reem when she felt her wince, and tried to untangle it as gently as possible. "Why was she against it so much?"

"Because female doctors rarely get married."

"How come?" Finally, her fingers were able to slip smoothly past the knot. 

"It's the whole traditional idea about men wanting their wives to be home when they get back from their jobs. Female doctors spend most of their time in the hospital, barely seeing their husbands and kids. Then there's the issue of female doctors mingling with male doctors and the whole reputation thing." 

Mothers and their desire to have their daughters married. Buffy wondered if her mother had ever thought about her the same way. She knew her mother wasn't a big fan of her relationship with Angel; even though she'd never said anything, it was always there. On the contrary, her mom really liked Riley, maybe because the possibility of having a normal life –marriage and kids- was plausible with him. Would she have approved of Spike? Buffy didn't think so, but just like she'd kept her real feelings about Angel to herself, she might have pretended to be supportive of her and Spike as well. 

"What did your dad say about this?" Buffy asked, not bothering to think what her own father would have thought about her relationships with vampires. He'd probably think she was delusional again. 

"Dad is just the machine to provide money, but Mom is the controlling freak who can't for the life of her let us live our own lives." Reem bit her lip, obviously upset with the words she used to describe her parents. 

"So, what, you thought by running away, your mom would change her mind?"

"Why not? Running away is the worst thing a girl could do to ruin her family's reputation –aside from having sex before marriage. But she's so stubborn, sending a crazy vampire after me…" She paused, rubbing her palms anxiously. "Never thought it would be like this. I was so determined to teach Mom a lesson and so scared of the vampire, I couldn't stop and think that it was getting way out of control."

Her head shot up, and Buffy could see how grim and serious her face was. "I considered going back, ending this nonsense. But every time I turn around, your vampire friend shows up, threatening to hurt me, and I keep running away."

Buffy rolled her eyes; sometimes Spike's tough guy façade wrecked more than it helped. "You can't blame him for being angry. You hurt his friend." And how odd it was to call Angel Spike's friend? The idea was far too laughable at this point, and no matter how adamant Spike was about rescuing Angel, she could never picture them sitting in a room, drinking blood and discussing hair products. 

Speaking of hurting Angel… "About that… evil eye thing… how many people did you curse? And don't you think that's... well, a bad thing to do?" She had to play it safe for now, since she was just an average human, and dealing with a girl who could get her way only by the sense of envy was too much of a risk.

"I know it's wrong. When I was younger, I didn't have much control over it, and it fired like crazy, but we always cured the victim. Now that I'm in control, I can only use it on purpose."

"And you never used it on purpose before Angel?" Buffy asked, skeptical. 

"I try not to. I'm not Satan. I know how much the evil eye wrecks people's lives."

"But it was okay to use it on Angel," Buffy said sarcastically.

Reem turned her head toward Buffy, finally looking her in the eye. "Last time I checked, he's not people. Aren't we supposed to kill vampires?" 

"No, we're supposed to kill evil vampires, not those who help people." 

Reem was about to fire back a response, but thought against it and just stared at Buffy with frustrated eyes until she looked away. "I was going to lift the curse once my parents agreed to let me choose the college I want."

"And you thought they'd do that by cursing someone they don't care about?"

Reem snapped her head toward her again. "I didn't… I was just…" She paused for a few seconds. "I made a mistake. I know. I got carried away." She lowered her gaze to her knees. "Told you, the blond vampire scared me. I was afraid of what he'd do if he caught me. I was so glad for the Slayer powers I had; they kept me alive." 

Buffy swallowed. "Would you… would you have escaped… if you didn't have those powers?"

"I wouldn't have had the courage to do it."

Buffy nodded, her heart twisting a little. "Here." She sat back, looking at Reem's hair with a satisfied smile. "I think I untangled everything."

"I wish I could see how it looks. I'm sure it needs a dye job." She ran her hand easily through her hair and smiled. "Thanks…" She blinked and looked at Buffy. "What's your name, by the way?" She laughed. 

Buffy's eyes shot wide. All this time knowing Reem's name and background; she naïvely assumed that the other girl knew everything about her as well. "It's Buffy."

"Buffy," Reem said, testing how it sounded in her lips. "Sounds like a gum brand or something." Reem giggled at her joke.

Buffy was about to make a comeback when the slot in the door was pushed open, and a hand pulled their tray outside. 

Both of them stared at the slot, wishing they were that tray, until Buffy caught the glass Reem left next to her bed. Plastic, like the other cutlery, with no use whatsoever except to spark an idea in Buffy's desperate brain.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

** Chapter Eighteen: **

The halls were filled with wide, doorless openings that called out to her, inviting her to step into one of them. Her feet twitched slightly as she walked after the guard to the bathroom, begging for the permission to run away. She would have if it weren't for the muzzle poking her back. She focused her gaze at the guard's back, willing her mind not to be lured by the great number of wide exits they were passing. 

The trip to the bathroom this time seemed longer than the last, probably because Buffy and Reem were taken there separately after their last adventure. She noticed the broken ventilation shaft, not fixed yet. They'd attempted to escape only last night, yet it felt like ages. 

The guard opened the bathroom door for her, and she walked in, her full bladder filling her with discomfort. She stopped, turned around, and her jaw dropped when one of the guards was right behind her. Inside the ladies’ room. He pressed his weapon against her shoulder, silently ordering her to finish her business. She walked to one of the stalls, her eyes still on him as he followed. Was he going to stand right in front of her door?

"Uhm, are you by any chance willing to skip lunch and dinner today? 'Cause I gotta tell you, this bladder won't empty itself for a while." 

He frowned.

She rolled her eyes. "I can't do anything with your ear so close to the supposedly private little room." 

"Oh." He walked to the sinks, his weapon still pointed at Buffy, and turned the water on. "Is this better?"

Buffy shrugged and went inside, almost asking him to hum some song while she was in there, but figured it was best not to push his buttons. She looked up from where she was sitting, expecting to see the ventilation shaft grate they'd escaped from, but realized she was in another stall. That stupid and desperate attempt to break out was the only clever idea Buffy could think of in her normal condition. Things would have been different if she still had her Slayer powers. 

She heaved a sigh and flushed the toilet. Outside, the guard turned off the water and pointed at a shower stall to the right. "You can take a shower if you want."

Buffy stared at the booth with its transparent screen and knew she wouldn't be given the privacy for that. "Pass," she said, heading outside. Right now all she wanted was to be back in her cell before the end of lunch time.

~*~*~*~

They'd just had their lunch –same lousy meal again- and now they waited. Sitting on her knees next to the slot in the door, Buffy held the tray in her hands while Reem was lying on her bed, using her twisted arm as a pillow. 

"I don't know, Buffy. Someone obviously used a tray to escape before."

"It never hurts to try." She clutched the sides with frustration. Of course, someone had used it before, and they'd obviously failed. Whatever idea popped into her head was so predictable and unlikely to work, but there was no room for giving up in her book. Whatever was there, she'd use it, even if it was the tasteless pork slices. "I hate this."

"We all hate this."

"No, I hate being this helpless. So… useless." Every thought that crossed her mind was met with a veto. Their exit was covered in verdant, spiny vines, and they had no swords to slash their way out. The jerks had taken away their swords, leaving them with nothing but trays and plastic cutlery. 

Reem levered herself up on one elbow and rested her head on one hand. "Someone will find us. One day."

Buffy glared fireballs at the useless tray. "That's not how _I_ work."

Reem twisted her lips, lying on her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows, ankles crossed and swaying idly in the air. "That's because you used to be the only Slayer, the only superhero; you did the saving."

"Thank you for stating the obvious."

Reem smacked her legs down on the bed. "But even superheroes need to be rescued from time to time."

"Not this superhero."

Reem's eyebrows went up so far they almost skipped the hairline. "You mean you've never been in trouble? Not ever?"

Buffy fought the urge to hit the floor with the tray, and decided to close her eyes and remember. She swore she'd been saved by her friends more than once, but all she could see in memory lane was her driving Mr. Pointy into the hearts of countless vampires for so many nights since she'd moved to Sunnydale. There was no doubt that she wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for those who loved her and followed her to the end, but she couldn't deny that it had been she who did most of the work, she who came up with the ideas, and she whose rescue missions outnumbered their research sessions. 

And at this moment, she remembered a time when she'd believed in herself without their speeches, without their help. Her hands caught the tray before it slipped from her fingers. She opened her eyes and looked at Reem with confidence. "I've been in trouble. No doubt. But I was the one to get myself out." 

Reem narrowed her eyes at her, not swayed by her confidence and strength. "Do you know what you sound like? A miserable, lonely person."

"I'm not lonely." Buffy gritted her teeth.

"You're not, since you have that gay werewolf-dating friend. But obviously you want to be. I know what it feels like to distance yourself from your family." Her expression was as firm as her voice. "I got nothing out of it but pain and isolation. I befriended the wrong kids because I couldn't bear the loneliness." 

Buffy's lips trembled. "I don't… you don't know…"

Loud footsteps approached their door, so Buffy turned her attention from the argument to clutching her tray tighter. A hand appeared through the slot, searching for the tray that Buffy used to smack that hand with all her might. 

"Holy shit!" the guard yelled, and Buffy braced herself, waiting for the door to be opened, irritated by Reem's lack of reaction. 

"Think I'm gonna be fooled by this again? No, missy, your punishment will be sleeping without dinner. Hunger can do more damage than beating." 

The sound of his feet retreating dug holes into her heart with every step. She trembled with frustration, trying to stop herself from banging on the door and demanding to be let out.

"Told you, only way out is waiting for someone to get us out."

Her fists met the door, this time leaving small cuts on her knuckles. "Would you shut the hell up?" She spun around and felt all the air rush from her lungs. "I'm not gonna…"

"Wake up, Buffy! You're not the hero this time. You're just a normal, petite girl who's too arrogant to realize that she's nothing but a damsel in distress."

Her body shook with rage, and her voice wavered. "Why are you talking like that?"

"I'm just being real."

"I'm being real, too. For the last nine years I've gotten myself out of situations that would’ve turned your bleached hair white just listening to them."

"But did you do it without your powers?" Reem asked in a challenging tone. 

"I did once."

"Then do it now." With that said, Reem lay on her back, her legs cycling in the air.

"I will." She looked around, seeing nothing but plain walls in an empty cell that gave her no inspiration. Not even the breakable plastic spoons and forks helped her dead brain to regain life again. She eyed Reem with hate and anger, afraid to admit that for the first time in her life, she was out of ideas.

~*~*~*~

The invisible vines seemed to melt under her burning eyes; her fists closed so tightly they could pass for an effective weapon. The threat of the pistol's muzzle that casually poked her back on her way to the bathrooms was waning. All of a sudden, she glided to the floor and swung a leg at the guard's feet, throwing him off balance. Before she could take hold of his weapon, a large, booted foot tramped cruelly on her hand. She hissed, uselessly trying to free her hand as another foot knocked her head to the floor and held it captive under the dirty sole. 

Tears of humiliation and frustration gathered in her eyes and started to betray her one after the other. She didn't hold them back, too exhausted to care. She lay there like a ruined rug, not protesting when one of them flung her over his shoulder and then dumped her in her cell.

"Disallowed two bathroom visits," he barked, the door slam echoing his words. 

Her eyes darted to Reem, who stared at her with naked pity that made her look away with disgust.

Her pride and resolve were lying outside the cell in the hall where the dirty boot had connected with her cheek. She picked up what was left, along with her drained body, and dropped on the bed, eyes shut firmly, and her fingers holding on-to her pillow. 

There it was. Her favorite place. Nothing else mattered right now.

~*~*~*~

The buildings swayed, at times going so low they touched the streets, but still made sure not to pop the bubbles. Her bubble floated carelessly, confident it would never burst, not even with the suicidal way it circled the moving skyscrapers. But that wasn't the bubble; it was her. Once her feet landed on the street, the bubble floated alone aimlessly, light and fragile, its life nothing but a few seconds. 

A short life was better and nicer than centuries of life mingling with dirty, polluted air. It touched her forehead, planting a kiss, and disappeared in a fast, painless death.

"Hey, Buffy, you should eat something."

The bubbles exploded, and buildings straightened. 

A finger poked her shoulder, and Buffy opened her eyes reluctantly, hands not letting go of the pillow. The ugly, cool air prickled her bare legs and sent shivers up her spine, making her acknowledge, without opening her eyes, that her blanket was outspread on the floor. The sight of those gray walls frightened her, as did the cold; she wanted to get back to the warmth and beauty inside her dreams. The hand that shook her shoulder wouldn't allow her that. 

"You've been sleeping for a whole day. Aren't you hungry?"

Her response was to close her eyes, wishing to return to the buildings and bubbles.

Reem sighed. "I know it must've hit you hard… realizing that you can't save yourself." Buffy's hands would have ripped the pillow if she were still a Slayer. "I've been there. My previous roommate was full of ideas. We tried to escape so many times, but they'd always catch us. Eventually, they put us in isolation as punishment." She chuckled softly. "You wouldn't believe how happy I was when they brought someone here. Even you."

Buffy fought a smile from forming.

"What kept me sane were my prayers. I had been a lazy prayer in the past, forgetting to pray on time and skipping the Dawn prayer, but since I was captured, I became closer to Allah than ever. He'll send someone to rescue me. I'm sure of that." She touched Buffy's shoulder. "You may not believe in a god, but believe in your family back home. They'll try their best to save you."

Buffy opened her eyes and locked them with the big brown ones. "I know they'll try," she whispered. "They always do." 

Reem grinned. "And they'll succeed. _Insha’Allah_." She walked to the door. "I'll bring the food."

Buffy lay on her back, her arm on her forehead, and stared at the ceiling. There was no doubt everyone was working their asses off trying to save her, but her heart squeezed with worry. If the government's goal was to de-power the Slayers, then they'd try their best to break the protection barrier around the castle to capture the rest of the Slayers. They knew their hiding place now, and with Amy working for them, there was no doubt she'd find a way around the protection spell. Her magic was stronger than Buffy's Slayers'. Everything appeared grim, and hope was still miles away from her heart. 

"Hey, they changed the menu to bread and butter!"

Buffy pushed herself up on her elbows and stared at Reem's face, shining with happiness. A glint of optimism sparkled inside. Just a glint.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

** Chapter Nineteen: **

Three days had passed since Buffy’s last escape attempt, judging by Reem's daily prayers. Buffy used small pieces of food to count the days. There was no guarantee they'd get out of here soon, and she felt better knowing how long she'd been away from home. She just hoped she wouldn't be here more than a week or her calendar would start growing mold. She'd thought about breaking off a small piece of the plastic forks, but she feared it would be seen as another way to escape, however that could be. The food was hidden in her corner, behind her bed so that no guard would notice it. She wasn't sure how they'd react and didn't feel like testing it.

It was bad enough dealing with their arrogance when they took her to the bathrooms. Nonetheless, those trips, despite the guards, were the only thing Buffy looked forward to these days, if just to see something other than the empty four walls in her cell. She never crossed paths with any of her troop during bathroom visits. She would cast a longing eye at the small slots in the doors, wishing she could peer inside, but knew better than to disturb the straight-line walk. 

Despite Buffy's previous failed attempts at escape, she wouldn't admit defeat. She tried to think of a new plan, but the sound of Reem singing aloud made her lose her train of thought as she became more interested in the songs.

Noticing her listening, Reem stopped with a laugh. "How about some songs you understand?" 

Buffy preferred the Arabic songs, since Reem's music choices included Beyoncé and Avril Lavigne. "How about I sing?" 

"Whatever you like. As long as I can dance to it." 

Reem's dancing was better than her voice, which wasn't that bad, just adequate, if a little thin. Her dancing could have been much better if her body was more lithe, but it was still lovely the way she moved her hips to nonexistent music. Her hands swayed in the air elegantly while her hips and legs did all the work. 

"You dance well."

"Want me to teach you?"

Their third day had been wasted on learning a Middle Eastern dance style that Reem called 'gulf dancing', and ended with Buffy being the superior dancer. 

After dinner, Buffy decided to pass the time with something useful, like teaching Reem how to fight. If they were to get out of here one day, she'd need a capable sidekick. 

Even though Reem had spent more than three months on her own, she knew nothing about fighting. She wasn't flexible enough, and she couldn't make up for that with a strong punch. Her arms were weak and her kicks were feebler than Andrew's _Star Wars_ jokes. Buffy found herself missing Dawn so much. She hadn't been this much of a pain on their first day of training. 

"What's it like being in love?" Reem swung a clumsy foot at her that was easily dodged. 

"What?" Buffy breathed. They had been training for a couple hours, and it was starting to wear her out. 

Reem's inept swings kept coming. "I've never been in love with a guy before. I wanna know what it's like."

"Well, it's complicated." Buffy avoided another swing with effort. She held up her hands, declaring a time out, unable to talk and dodge at the same time without her Slayer powers. She sat on her bed and rested her head against the wall with the pillow propped against her back. "Depends on how you see it. Being in love when I was a teenager was different than being in love in my twenties."

Reem sat, crossing her legs on her bed. "I'm guessing adult love is the harder one?"

"It is." None of her relationships had been simple, but Spike was a whole new level of complicated. Even though he said he loved her, she could see that it wasn't the same. He wasn't the same guy, and it troubled her. Back when they'd been in Sunnydale, Spike had always said what she couldn't say, what she didn't want to hear. But these days, he barely talked about them, never said what she wanted him to say. She wanted him, but couldn't tell him that, at least not directly; it wasn't her to say those things. And she hated herself more for it.

"So, you want to be in love?" she asked, lying down on her back. No more thoughts about Spike and her love life. 

"Not really. Just curious." Reem flung her legs up and cycled in the air. "I wouldn't hear the end of it if Mom caught me with a boyfriend."

"How bad would it be?"

"She'd probably hire a famous serial killer." She grinned. "Maybe raise one of those monsters from the dead… any suggestions?"

Glory, the Judge, Adam, the Master; suggestions of demons she'd killed came rushing into her head like waterfalls. As for famous human criminals, those she wasn't much of an expert on. "There's Gary Gilmore. Mom said there used to be a Christmas song about him."

"Never heard of him. Then again, the only Gilmores I know are a juvenile mother and a mature daughter."

TV nights with Xander. Those were pleasant memories. They'd watch everything; the good and the bad, horror movies, chick flicks, documentaries, cartoons, even Animal Planet. As long as they had their tea and cookies, they could get through anything. But mockery was off limits if they were watching _Star Trek_ , unless they were the later seasons. A small smile tugged at her lips; she missed the geeky goof. 

"I wish my relationship with my mom was like Lorelei and Rory," Reem mused. "There are no relationships like that in real life, are there?"

Buffy thought of Andrea on Xander's lap, smiling innocently at any gesture or coo directed toward her. Buffy had promised to be a better mom when they'd been in the hospital, but what guaranteed that she could? Being a better mom meant being there all the time - wasn't that what everybody said? Buffy wouldn't be able to do that, not while facing death every day and taking care of hundreds of girls in a big isolated castle. She didn't want Andrea anywhere near that lifestyle, wishing her nothing but a happy, healthy, and normal life. Buffy being around her would only wreck that, and probably put her in danger. Seemed no matter how hard she tried, she'd never win. 

"I guess not." 

"I'll make it happen," Reem said. "I'll be more understanding to my daughter."

What if Andrea chose Buffy's way of life? Buffy barely wanted Dawn involved in it and was happier now that her sister was living the normal life she deserved. There was no way she'd want Andrea wasting her life and future by fighting demons and stopping apocalypses. 

"It's harder than you think," she said. "Being a mom."

"Do you have a kid?"

Buffy paused a little before she answered, "Yes."

Reem gasped. "Really?"

"Yeah." There was a hint of annoyance in Buffy's tone.

"How come _that_ never came up?" Reem bolted up, her legs swinging from the bed. "We've been stuck here for three days and you've never said a word about having a kid."

Reem's exclamation met only silence. 

"Buffy?"

Buffy turned to her side, facing the wall and giving Reem her back. "I don't wanna talk about it, okay?"

"He's illegitimate, right?"

"She. And that's _none_ of your business."

"It wasn't your business when you asked about my personal life."

"You didn't mind."

"Because it helped. Talking about things helps. You should try it."

Buffy let out a loud, bitter laugh, her hand gripping the pillow tightly. 

"You feel like you don't love her?" Reem asked. 

"Who are you? Dr. Phil?" Buffy snapped. 

"You've got so many responsibilities that you can't bear to have more."

Buffy covered her ears with her pillow but she could still hear Reem's voice.

"She feels like an unwanted burden because she's not the future you wanted."

"I'm serious," she shouted, head still under the pillow. When she felt Reem's hand on her shoulder, her instincts took control. She kicked Reem and yelled, "Leave me alone!"

She heard a loud bang, followed by Reem's scream. Buffy pushed herself up and found Reem clutching her head with a pained expression. She must have hit it on the edge of the bed. Scared, Buffy ran to her and examined her head through the mass of hair. Her scalp was reddish where it had hit, but thankfully there was no blood. 

"You like running away from hard truths, don't you?" Reem whispered. 

"I…" Buffy couldn't talk, embarrassed at how immature she had behaved. 

"You know, with a big castle full of Slayers under your charge, I can see how hard it must have been for you to balance between work and home."

"How did you…"

"My last roommate actually talked to me." She raised an eyebrow and Buffy forced a smile. "She said you're a hard worker and you take your job seriously. With the way you helped Spike catch me I can see what she was saying." She smiled tenderly. "I could see respect in her eyes, and I'm sure the others have the same respect for you, too."

Buffy looked elsewhere and thought about Leah, Satsu, Rowena, Renée, and the others looking up to her and expecting her to know all the answers to everything. It was too overwhelming, even more so than when her own friends used to see her that way. She'd tried never to let that faze her, though; still kept protecting and training those girls, kept giving them all her attention. They were her responsibility, her victory on her last day in Sunnydale. 

"But Buffy," Reem interrupted her thoughts softly. "You should remember that charity always begins at home."

Buffy looked down at the cold concrete floor. "It's not that simple."

"Life is never simple."

Buffy frowned, eyes still on the floor. "You're eighteen years old. What do you know about life?"

"Probably not as much as you do. And maybe what life means to me doesn't apply to your definition of it. To me, life is just a test; if I nail it, I'll go to heaven. If I fail, I'll go to hell. The afterlife is what matters." She shrugged. "That is, if you believe in the afterlife." 

Buffy snorted. "I do."

"Well, there you have it, then."

They sat in awkward silence, Reem trying _not_ to rub her aching head. Buffy was a little touched. 

"I miss Andrea," she admitted in a low voice. 

"Is that her name?" Reem asked gently. 

Buffy nodded. 

"May Allah keep you together."

Buffy's smile was watery. "Thank you."

~*~*~*~

Reem was making a little progress in her fighting lessons - now her kicks actually hurt - but there was still a long way to go before she became a decent fighter. Gulping down the water in her glass with a long swallow, Buffy rubbed her hand against her mouth and stared at Reem. She looked more tired than Buffy, lying on her back and not moving a muscle. 

"I'm not much of an athlete," Reem said. "But I'd always considered joining a gym class. I stopped thinking about it when I received the Slayer powers."

"When did you know you had them?" Buffy asked. At Reem's confused look, she clarified, "the powers." 

"I think at school. I was able to protect myself from this bully… well, she was big, and she wanted to... anyway, it was scary. I left her with a broken arm… I was more shocked than happy about protecting myself… thought it was a miracle from God. But then I started to realize that I was twice as strong as I used to be. It was cool and creepy at the same time… I didn't know why or how it happened."

"Did you tell anyone about it?"

"No. I wanted to, desperately, but I was afraid of what would happen if I did. Mom would freak out if she knew. She'd probably think that no one would want to marry me, being this strong." She let out a bitter laugh, and then a reluctant sigh escaped. "I’d just had enough of having Mom controlling my life. I had this super strength and I wasn't using it… figured it was God giving me a chance to rebel. I just needed the perfect timing to run away. Saudi Arabia was the worst place to do it… but not America." 

She looked at Buffy. "We went to California for summer vacation. I was hesitant at first, but then I met this girl who was working in a restaurant. She ran away from home and said it was the best thing she ever did." Reem bit hard on her lip and seemed to silently curse that girl. "I thought it was another sign from God, so I pretended to have a headache, and then I went to the hotel. I took everything I needed and I left." 

Buffy stretched, her muscles still tight from training. "And then your parents went straight to Angel." 

"I guess," Reem said. "He found me the next day at a coffee shop. He tried to reason with me, told me that my parents hired him to find me. I tried to fight him, gave him a strong punch in the jaw, and then he'd showed me his true face. It was the first time I saw a vampire. I was surprised when all the people around me started clapping and whistling. Angel is this hot shot vampire in LA."

"So I've heard." The hottest news last year was the vampire who'd rescued LA from being sucked into hell. Angel's name was known all over Los Angeles, but the rest of the world couldn't believe the stories the press and the people were telling when there was no sign of LA being sucked into hell. 

"I managed to run away. When I asked around about him, I was told that he always gets the job done. I knew I had to do something before he found me again." 

"So, you went to Wolfram and Hart?" 

"Wolf what? No, I went to his investigation agency. It's in a huge hotel." 

"But… but Angel was working in a law firm last I heard of him." 

"Not anymore, apparently." 

Spike had said nothing about Angel leaving Wolfram and Hart, not that he was a great source of information. She'd always had to dig the info she wanted out of him, and she'd never asked how Angel was doing. 

She frowned, confused by the sudden feeling of guilt and shame. It wasn't like she'd always kept track of what went on with Angel's life after he'd left Sunnydale. Same could be said for him. They'd moved on, gone their separate ways. There was no need to crowd into each other's space. 

She rested her head against the wall and exhaled, reminded of Spike's comment about her being a hypocrite for not asking about Angel. Twisting the conversation to make her feel bad when it should have been _him_. He was the one who kept away… 

She stopped that train of thought with an inward groan. Yeah, the horse was bloody dead. 

She looked at Reem with narrowed eyes. "So, you cursed Angel because you were afraid he'd find you. Why didn't you curse Spike, too?" 

Reem shrugged. "He didn't have anything worth envying. Unless you count his wit. He threw a few sharp ones at me. I was tempted to kill him, if I’d known how." 

"You don't know how to kill a vampire?" Buffy was too shocked for words. 

"Now I know about the wooden stake through the heart thing. At the time, all I knew about getting rid of vampires was the cross, holy water, and the sun." 

"How did you finish off five vampires at the same time?" 

"They were at the right place at the right time. And I discovered I'm really good at throwing poles." 

"Oh. So, it was a lucky shot." 

"Don't sound so relieved."

~*~*~*~

A few more days in Cell Hell, and Reem wasn't improving as much as Buffy wanted. Reem was still incompetent, and she'd started getting bored with the sessions. She was more interested in learning about Buffy's life than learning how to swing her leg without falling on her butt, and distracted Buffy with girly chats.

"We had to hurry, so we didn't wrap it up. We actually ran to the hotel like we were being chased by wolves." 

"Why didn't you take a cab?" 

"We didn't think. We were so scared Mom would be back at the hotel before we got there. Sadeem thought it would be better to wrap the gift with something since the box was small, so we used a flowered paper from Raneem's diary." 

"And then what happened?" 

"We thought she'd punish us for going out by ourselves, but she just accepted the present, and her face lit up when she saw the keychain. It was very simple, but I think the carved 'Our Dear Mom' got to her. She actually laughed when we told her how we got it… she…" Reem trailed off, her gaze on her crossed legs. 

There was a waver in her last word that made Buffy concerned. "Reem?" 

"She was really happy. Leaving the hotel room unsupervised didn't matter." 

Guilt drew invisible lines on her face, so that Buffy couldn't help but hug her.

~*~*~*~

She inhaled the darkness. So dark, yet she could see everything. Over here, darkness resembled light. There were no lamps or time or quantity; it was an internal light that no one felt but those who pressed tightly on their eyelids. She knew that most had their own versions of her world. She'd be lying to herself if she thought she was the only one. There was no Chosen One when it came to escaping every night, those who begged sleep to take them to different dark and psychological dimensions. Their eyes would be wide open in order to see dark as light, great light shining under the blanket without a sun or a fire or a lamp.

She turned her head to the other side and found Spike on the other bed. He was writing something in a notebook on his lap.

""What are you doing?" She forced the words out. She wanted to add an angry 'here', but her lips felt too heavy to move and her 'What are you doing?' sounded more like 'Wha ye ein?'

"Writing a poem about your little dilemma." The way he was moving the pencil looked more like he was drawing childish circles. He held the notebook closer to his eyes and read, "One day I'll lose gravity. I'll fly. I'll fly. I'll raise my head up high. Won't look down as they look for me. Trying to figure out my enigmatic death."

He showed her the page. She couldn't read it. It looked like gibberish, and that made him scoff. "Try and write something better." He handed her the notebook and the pencil. 

She moved the pencil in one straight line. When she was done, the straight line had disappeared and the page looked blank. 

Spike threw his head back and laughed louder than her dull ears could handle. "There isn't a straight line," he ridiculed. "Not in your life." He grabbed the notebook and tore off the paper that had his poem, then ripped it into small pieces. "Is that poetry? Silly bint. Don't reduce life into silly, brief words. Better stop before your bleedin' poetic muse starts over again." 

"My…" she protested. 

"It's your dream, isn't it?"

She shut her eyes tightly. A brand new world appeared before her. Flying silver balls, colored giant buildings with dark windows, traffic signals. It was past three o'clock in the morning. At the highest point of this universe, she saw her face gazing down at the long streets. She was flying now and calling out to people - jerks, liars, hypocrites, thieves, betrayers. She kept on flying and left them forever. Now she knew how to escape those colored faces that fear the night. She was able to see the dark.

Her eyes still closed, she turned to her left side and heard her heartbeat. It was so clear. She imagined her heart sleeping next to her and playing like an energetic kitten. She was terrified, couldn't bear to listen to this sound.

"Afraid it'll stop?" Spike asked.

"My heart?"

"Yes, your heart. Think it's immortal? It'll stop one day."

She swiftly rolled over to lie on her back. Her fingers tangled together on her forehead. 

"I'm not asleep yet," she mumbled.

"Maybe you slept a little," Reem said.

"I swear I didn't." She turned around to face Reem but it was still Spike sitting on her bed.

"A whole year with your soddin' head on that cursed pillow," Spike muttered.

"I was in another world, dimwit," she retorted.

"Were you now?"

"You don't get it. No one does. Why do you think I stay away?"

She squirmed and twisted her legs to the left and looked like a spray gun, her legs the handle. She internally laughed at the image and thought about shooting fire to get rid of the dull feeling under the blanket. She changed the position of her legs and pulled her behind a little to look like a bat glued to a bed of rocks. She laughed inside again. She couldn't sleep now. Was there a position that looked like nothing?

"Don't fool yourself," Spike barked. "Whatever you think, you belong to the world of shit. Can't change that. Got a load of shit inside you. Even kings and queens, low lives and upper class, all got their shit. Don't run away. Get up!"

She snapped her eyes open. The room didn't look as glamorous as her free world. Everything in this realistic room was still. Nothing was flying around. Spike's words still rang in her ears, making her wonder, what if her gravity-less world was surrounded by others? They all have their shit inside. What if it got out? Without gravity, her sweet world would be filled with filth. 

She grimaced, not daring to shut her eyes again. 

Faint sobs cleared the fog around her, and there was Reem sitting on her bed, softly crying. Buffy rubbed her eyes harder than usual. Spike, the idiot, had again managed to ruin something else she liked without even being here. 

She sat up straight when Reem hiccupped. This was the third night in a row. Reem was curled up on her bed, her knees bent and pressed against her chest and her arms folded around her legs with her head buried in her knees. Buffy was beside her in an instant, a comforting hand on her shoulder. She didn't say a thing. The open sobs at night, the silent tears in the morning, the prayers that had gotten longer and more frequent with each passing day… Reem couldn't hide the guilt inside anymore. Her regrets were unleashed after being repressed for so long. 

"I'm so scared, Buffy."

"We'll get out of here. I promise."

"But that's the problem. I'm scared to get out." Her red face and tearful eyes peered at her. "What I did was so awful. Very, very bad. Girls don't run away from home like that…" She trailed off, her perfect Californian accent slipped noticeably. 

Buffy brushed a gentle hand over Reem's hair, taking in that fearful gaze and trembling form. "Reem, I ran away from home once." That seemed to lessen the sobs a bit. "I was seventeen and… it was unbearable. I was expelled from school. Mom had just discovered I was the Slayer and… didn't take it well. I sent my boyfriend to hell." Reem's eyes widened with shock. Buffy smiled sadly at the ugly memory. "I left everyone I knew in the dark, didn't tell them where I was, and didn't reassure them I was still alive. They were worried sick, but they took me back when I returned."

Reem shook her head violently. "It's different. America isn't like Saudi Arabia; different cultures, different people. It's all different."

Buffy frowned. "Maybe. But your mom liked your Mother's Day gift even though you broke the rules. Sure, she'll be really upset and angry; that's to be expected, but eventually… she'll accept you back, because she loves you. Loving you is the reason she'll be angry." 

Reem looked away. "You don't understand how it works in my country."

"Or maybe you're selling your parents short. They may surprise you."

She didn't look convinced, but she didn't argue, choosing to sniffle quietly instead. Buffy rubbed circles on her back, unsure how Reem's family would react once they met again. If there was one chance they were going to hurt their daughter over it, Buffy would take her to the castle with her, like she had with other abused Slayers she'd sheltered. 

They stayed in silence for a while, and Buffy glanced at the ten pieces of food in the corner. She'd accepted the idea that she'd be rescued, but she’d waited a long time and she was still here. Maybe it was time to work their lazy brains for a good plan. 

"Who'll be the first person you'll go to? If we get out," Reem said quietly, drawing circles on her pillow.

Buffy made herself comfortable, her head resting against the wall. "Andrea."

"And then Spike," Reem said confidently. 

Buffy twisted her lips. "Not really."

"Why?"

"Last time we talked… it ended badly." 

"Why is that?" 

"He didn't get it," she said, looking down at her worn-out hospital gown. "And… he probably doesn't think of me the way I think about him."

"They say," Reem started and waited until Buffy met her gaze, "the way to an Englishman's heart is through his stomach."

Buffy blinked. "Is that supposed to be advice?"

"Frick," Reem cursed. "Forgot you're the freak who likes a vampire." She cast Buffy a sweet smile, hoping she wasn't offended. Buffy wasn't.

Reem shifted her weight until she sat facing Buffy. "Better advice is: be yourself because there's no pleasing some people." She nodded wisely. 

Buffy smiled. She'd always tried to live up to others' expectations of her, but she hadn't cared what Spike thought of her. Surprisingly, he’d still wanted her after all the crap she'd put on him, but she knew better than to expect that he would be the same understanding vampire she knew back in the day.

Now _he_ was the one with the high expectations. He could barely stand the sight of her after she'd listed her failings. He didn't even want to hear her reasons, but then, she wasn't obligated to tell him, right? Why did she even care what he thought of her when he couldn't care less about her anymore?

There was a 'tick' sound coming from the door. Buffy knew it was one of the soldiers peering inside from the small slot. They did that every little while, probably to make sure no one attempted suicide. Buffy busied herself with untangling Reem's hair while her companion closed her eyes and enjoyed the gentle caress. 

All of a sudden, the door was jerked open. Both Buffy and Reem jumped at the violent move and turned around. Buffy's eyes went wide with shock.

Spike was standing at the door.


	20. Chapter Twenty

** Chapter Twenty: **

Buffy would give up her castle to erase what had just happened. She tried to console herself that being stuck in a room less flattering than a Russian prison for several days was a good excuse for her impulsive, joyful running into Spike's arms. 

Thankfully, she'd managed to stop before she made a fool of herself. Her eyes gazed at his surprised blue ones, and her hand sheepishly brushed against his arm. "H-how did you get here?" 

"No time for chit chat." Spike rolled his shoulders. "We need to move fast." He cast a glance inside the cell and his eyes gleamed. "Lookie lookie who's here."

Reem stepped back with caution.

Buffy grabbed Spike's arm, her emotions under control now. "Like you said, no time for chit chat."

Spike pointed a finger at Reem. "She's got to come."

"Duh. Everybody is coming with us."

"No can do," Spike said. "The portal is only enough for two."

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Takes an awful lot of witch power to get a load of Slayers back into the Scottish stronghold. Xander said the girls for the job ain't…" He trailed off at Buffy's startled gaze.

"Xander?" she whispered. 

His face hardened. "Give it up, Buffy. He knows all about me. He practically begged for my help." His jaw tightened with disgust. "Typical, eh? When Buffy's in danger, no one better than Spike to put in front of the cannon…"

"You could've said no," Buffy interrupted with irritation. 

His face softened. "You know me better than that." Their eyes met for a moment before Buffy broke the contact. Her hands closed into trembling fists. He didn't give her much of a reason to 'know him better.' 

"Uh, excuse me," Reem said, breaking the tension. "Hate to interrupt the lovely reunion, but we're in a difficult situation at the mo." 

"Then follow me," Spike said, his face set in stubborn lines.

Buffy felt a little frantic, and her stomach lurched wildly. "Where are you going?" 

"On a bloody picnic," Spike retorted.

Her heart started beating faster, and she shook her head. "I'm not leaving without the scythe." 

"Don’t be daft." He grabbed her arm. "Only a few minutes before the portal closes."

"Spike," she hissed, snatching her arm from his grip. He looked angrily at her, and she pointed two aggravated fingers at her body. "Can't you tell something's changed?" 

Spike tilted his head. His expression changed a little, as if he were thinking that the outfit didn't flatter her, but seconds later, his eyes grew bigger. He looked up and down at her anxiously. "How…?" 

"The scythe. That's why I need it back." If she wanted to get out of here and save the rest, she had to become a Slayer again. She'd learned that the hard way. 

Spike looked at the hallway before he returned his gaze to her. "Look, the portal can't hold a long time. Once you're safe back home, you can work out a better plan to get it back. After all, you're going back for the rest of the flock."

Buffy wanted to protest, but knew that what he said made sense. She looked at Reem, asking her for her opinion with her eyes. 

Reem shrugged. 

As if on cue, a loud curse was heard from the hall. All three snapped their heads to the guard standing in the middle of the hall with his rifle. "How did you get here?" he barked at Spike. 

Spike attacked the guard, throwing him to the floor. He climbed on top of him and snatched away the rifle while his other hand pinned the guard's arms above his head. The guard wiggled and bucked, but Spike held firm. 

As he laid a few punches before the guard fell unconscious, Buffy and Reem were behind him in an instant. Spike pulled him inside the cell and shut the door behind him. 

"The portal is in the west wing. Move," Spike ordered softly, nodding his head to the left. 

Metal doors with small slots lined the hall on both sides, and Buffy tried to clamp down on the desire to break those doors open and let everybody out. She couldn't, though. She was so weak and helpless. All she'd do was bring attention to them with her feeble kicks. 

"I still think we should get the scythe back." 

Spike looked at her over his shoulder and quickened his pace. "If you try to find the bloody thing, you two will be stuck here." His face shifted into vampire features with frustration. "Just forget it right now."

Buffy couldn't forget about it. She needed the scythe so much she could hardly contain herself. She couldn't relax, but a tiny voice in her head was yelling at her to get a grip. She couldn't force herself to pull her eyes away from the doors, though. Her girls were inside, suffering and lonely, living their days with nothing but fragile hope for the day they'd be rescued. 

Staring persistently ahead as her hands clenched by her sides, she followed Spike without argument. 

They were inside a medium-sized room and the faint blue glow of the portal was in the middle. "Looks weaker than when I left it," Spike observed before he nudged his head to the portal. "Now you two, jump," he instructed. 

Buffy eyed him suspiciously. "What about you?"

"Can't," he muttered.

Something inside Buffy sunk down her spine as she started to panic. "We're not leaving without you." 

"Well, you have no choice," Spike said with a hint of a growl. "The portal is only enough for two, remember?"

"So… you're just gonna stay here." She hated that her voice wavered in the end. 

Spike's shoulders sagged. "Won't be the first time," he mumbled, looking at her meaningfully. 

A soft gasp was heard behind them. They turned and found Reem held against a soldier's chest, her screams muffled by the large hand on her mouth. 

Buffy gave Spike a swift, determined glance, and he nodded without hesitation. Spike leaped at the soldier and knocked him down, with Buffy close behind. The soldier released Reem, who fell into Buffy's arms. 

Buffy pushed Reem to one of the corners and grabbed the soldier's kicking legs, holding them firm on the ground. Spike held his arms over his head with one hand, his other hand ready to punch the soldier into unconsciousness. 

Buffy was temporarily distracted by the shouts that emanated from the soldiers standing by the entrance. Reem's panicked scream and the curses that came from the entrance were so loud that Buffy's hands loosened around the soldier's ankles. The soldier was able to kick her in the chin, knocking her backward painfully. She let out a groan and fell flat on her back on the cold floor. Reem rushed over to her.

Buffy pushed herself up, ignoring Reem, who tried to keep her lying down. She looked over to see Spike surrounded by four soldiers with spray guns pointed at him. Rubbing her aching jaw, she met Spike's gaze as she crawled forward to the circle. 

Close to one of the soldiers, Buffy swept her leg out, connecting it with the soldier's ankles, throwing him off balance. As the soldier fell to the floor, Buffy quickly grabbed his weapon just as she heard gunfire. She snapped her gaze towards the sound and found Spike pointing a gun at one of the soldiers. He'd just shot his arm, and the soldier was on the floor now, next to another one –apparently the one Spike had stolen his weapon from.

The fourth soldier didn't waste a second and shot Spike several times. Buffy jumped to her feet and shot the soldier's hand, disarming him. 

She strode to the other two weapons lying on the floor and kicked them both towards Reem. She'd noticed the first soldier on his feet now about to strike and shot his arm, and he fell to the floor again.

Suddenly, she felt a leg knocking her to the ground, and the soldier Spike had disarmed earlier was grabbing her firearm, about to point it at her. Spike shot his shoulder before he could manage that. The soldier recoiled, but kept a strong hold on the weapon. Spike seized the moment and hit the soldier in the face with his firearm, knocking it out of his hand.

Buffy snatched it, afraid the other soldiers might grab it first. As she got up, she noted them still lying on the ground. Reem was pointing both guns, each one at a soldier. 

Hearing gunfire, she noticed Spike shooting the first soldier's leg, preventing him from standing up again. She pointed her gun at the only soldier left, panting heavily. 

She could see from the corners of her eyes Spike walking with difficulty and kicking the first soldier until he passed out. Still breathing hard, she looked at her soldier, already out cold, and lowered her firearm. 

"You two go," Spike instructed Buffy and Reem. "I'll take care of them."

"Too late," Reem said quietly.

Buffy turned around quickly and cursed under her breath. The portal in the center of the room had disappeared. An irrepressible feeling of relief mixed with devastation washed over her. She wanted to beat herself up for not ordering Reem to go through, maybe with a message from Buffy to the others in the castle. 

"Shit," Spike gritted out and fired his gun at the conscious soldiers' legs.

"Spike," Buffy exclaimed, grabbing his hand and putting it down. "That was unnecessary. We could've just tied them up."

"With what?" Spike snapped at her, his human features replaced with the demon. He winced, his hand going for the bloody spot on his chest. 

Buffy examined his wounds. He was hit by three bullets; one in the shoulder, and two in the chest. Her fingers slightly fluttered, and she wanted to reach out with a comforting touch. 

Spike let out a soft laugh. "Gonna run to the nearest pub for a beer bottle now?" he teased. 

She glared at him and punched him in the arm. Jerk. 

Frustrated, she turned around, forcing her brain to find a second plan. Her eyes stopped at Reem's face, full of fear and worry. Buffy heaved a sigh.

"Follow me."

~*~*~*~

Reem's grip on Buffy's hand hardened with every step they took in the military base. Buffy wanted to wrap an arm around her as reassurance, but she needed to feel reassured first. Her plan was to get the scythe, but there was a small part in her brain that nagged; then what? She didn't have the ability to turn herself back into a Slayer. Spike's earlier plan had been much better. She should have gone back to the castle, worked on a plan, gotten the scythe, and then worked with the other Slayers who practiced magic to bring back their powers.

She sighed, feeling at a loss. All the steel walls looked exactly the same, and there had been nothing but openings that led to more halls with steel walls. She clutched the firearm in her hands, not liking the idea of using it on humans. She glanced at the rifle Reem awkwardly held. Obviously, it was the first time she’d ever held one, and she looked uncomfortable with the idea of using it. 

They stopped by a door at the end of the hall. Spike pushed it open, and they were greeted with another long hall, but this time it was filled with doors. 

When Spike's hand locked around her arm in a firm grip, Buffy knew trouble was on the way. Someone opened the door to their left and loud, ridiculing laughter came out. Spike mentioned for Buffy and Reem to stay put before he tiptoed his way to the door. He peered inside as Buffy squirmed at another dose of loud laughter coming from there. 

Spike tiptoed his way back and gestured for both women to take another direction.

"What were they talking about?" Buffy whispered. 

"Seems this government thing is international," Spike replied. "They were talking with a foreign bloke on screen."

Buffy shuddered uncontrollably. She hadn’t really given much thought to what General Voll had told her, but it seemed she was definitely at war with humanity. "It's all just too weird," she said, her shoulders slumbering with defeat. 

Spike touched her arm gently. "It's not like we haven't faced weird bits before."

"Yes, but this is too weird." 

His hand tightened around her arm. He probably hated seeing her like this, beaten and weak. "That's life for you, keeps getting weirder. Instead of whining about it, you have to adapt." 

"And you got weird, too," she whined, looking up at him with a small smile. 

"Oi, that's always been me. Cope. Adapt. It's all Spike." He looked ahead with a head shake. "Explains how I didn't go insane with that bloody chip in my head."

"Well, you got clingy and annoying," she teased. 

He looked at her with a serious face. "And you can do that, too."

"Be clingy and annoying?" When he rolled his eyes, she laughed softly. "I get what you mean."

"I mean it," he stressed. "In fact, you do it all the time. World went upside down for you when your mum died, but you didn't give up, right?"

Buffy stared at him intensely before she looked away, touched. 

"You know, I actually wish it had been you dancing with the sodding Immortal. Least you would've been happy, being just a girl." Spike patted his pockets with frustration, desperate for a smoke but knowing better than to light a cigarette here.

Buffy shook her head, even though the idea sounded tempting. "I can't be just a girl."

"Why not?" Spike peered at the opening on the left before he started walking. "World has more Slayers than the rats that caused the plague. It can still do fine if one quits."

"You said it - plague. I'm responsible for changing so many lives. Reem is one of them, and look how it turned out. Angel, her family, and Reem herself; all hurt because of me." She felt Reem squeeze her hand and smiled at the small gesture of comfort. "I can't turn my back on that."

Spike's eyes flickered over her, his gaze slightly heavier than usual. His lips curved into an impressed smile.

Her cheeks grew hot, and the air around them felt a little thicker, warmer than before. She broke the eye contact, and her gaze fell on Reem's mischievous grin. "What?" she asked urgently.

Reem shook her head and didn't answer. Buffy was about to argue when suddenly Spike's hand grabbed her arm. 

"What is it?" she asked him. 

His face appeared thoughtful, his lips slightly parting. "It's Willow."

Buffy's heart skipped a beat. "What? Willow? Where?"

"Not sure, just heard her and…" He frowned. "Can't be true."

"Spike, what is it?"

He walked forward, standing in front of one of the metal doors, and Buffy followed him, along with Reem. Exasperation filled Buffy at the way Spike wasn't answering her questions; she glared at him as he stared into a slot and cursed quietly. Buffy pushed him to the side and attempted to look but then the door was jerked open and unexpectedly Amy stood before them. 

Instinctively, Buffy pointed the firearm at Amy, but she snapped her fingers and it vanished. 

" _Yumma_ ," Reem yelped behind her. "The gun disappeared!"

Buffy peered over Amy's shoulder and found Willow restrained on a metal table. Some skinless freak of nature was hovering over her, holding a scalpel to Willow's eye.

"Get away from her," Buffy shouted, and was about to pounce on the creature when a magical blow hit her and sent her flying back, smacking against the wall. 

"Buffy!" Reem exclaimed, rushing to her side. 

Spike's human features morphed into his demon side, and he flashed his teeth at Amy. She threw another bolt of energy that sent him to the end of the hall. 

Buffy pushed off the floor and threw herself at Amy, who was ready for her and unleashed one more ball of energy. 

Buffy cursed, knocked flat on the floor again, and then she caught Reem sneaking up behind Amy. 

Amy gave a derisive laugh. "You think you can beat me that easily?" She snapped her fingers and Reem was suddenly glued to the floor. Then she crossed her arms, her lips curled up slightly in a smirk. "So, ready to go back to your hole?" 

When Buffy didn't respond, Amy added, "I kept telling Voll you should be put in isolation. But did he listen?"

Buffy could see Spike crawling towards Amy and felt her heart beat faster. Amy shook her head and effortlessly tossed one more ball of energy at Spike, and he ended up lying next to Reem. 

"Let me go." Reem gritted her teeth. Buffy could see panic in her eyes as she tried to move, but Amy ignored her, her eyes on Buffy.

With a determined gaze, Buffy stood up and attacked, only to get slammed against the wall again. But her lips curved into a small smile when she heard Amy's scream. She looked up and met Spike's golden eyes, blood sliding from his mouth to his chin.

Wasting no time, Buffy hurried into the lab. She gasped, looking at the horrible condition Willow was in. The familiar skinless monster gazed up at her, holding the scalpel. The blade was covered in blood. Willow's blood. 

Buffy clenched her teeth in anger. She was about to kick Warren into a pulp when Amy stormed inside and pushed Buffy out of her way. She grabbed Warren from behind and started to open a portal. 

"Time to go, sweetie," she said, pulling Warren through the portal. 

"This isn't over, Slayer," he growled. 

Wasting no time, she rushed to Willow's side and ripped away the bonds around her. Panic rose inside her in waves. Willow was facing away from her, and Buffy didn't have the heart to turn her head to look at the damage done to her face. 

Suddenly, Willow grabbed her shoulder. Buffy started, especially when Willow murmured a weak, "Buffy?"

Willow turned around, her face flawless, and she greeted Buffy with one big smile. "Problem?"

Buffy's eyes went wide at how healthy and unscarred Willow's face appeared. She didn't ask any questions; they didn't matter. What mattered was that Willow was here and safe. Relief washed over her, and she let out a soft laugh, pulling Willow into a tight hug. 

"Now how come I didn't get that warm welcome?" Spike teased. He and Reem were standing behind her. 

"Shut up," she mumbled with affection. If only he knew how happy she was that he was back in her life. 

"Buffy," Willow whispered into her hair. "Is this a dream or something? Because Spike is standing right in front of me."

"Not a dream. Spike is back, alive and kicking."

"Yeah, for a vampire," Reem muttered. She grinned innocently at Spike’s scathing glare.

Buffy let go of Willow and looked into her eyes. "Listen, Will, how much magic have you got in you?"

"Enough," Willow answered simply. Buffy looked at Spike and Reem. "You two go and get all the imprisoned Slayers out." She turned to Willow. "We're gonna get the scythe."


	21. Chapter Twenty One

** Chapter Twenty-One: **

The government's control room looked similar to Central Command, except it was larger and had more equipment. A rush of nostalgia hit Buffy the second she walked in, but she forced it away, especially when General Voll noticed them standing by the door. Buffy's lips curled into a satisfied smirk at his startled expression. He probably hadn't expected the normal girl to get out of her jail along with her powerful witch friend. After everything he'd put her through, she'd happily punch his lights out. 

"I didn't realize," Willow said to Buffy, who looked at her questionably, "we're in Sunnydale." Willow pointed her finger at the familiar large hole in one of the screens. 

Buffy's breath hitched and she felt her chest tightening painfully. Emotions battled inside her over how much she truly missed _home_. 

"Actually, we're two miles south," General Voll's detested voice brought her back to reality. 

"Where's the scythe?" she demanded in dangerous tones. Good thing that no one was around but the three of them. Not that anyone could win against them with Willow by her side. 

General Voll gave a seething smile. "One press on this button and my men will be here in a second." 

"Oh, try it." The corners of Willow's mouth lifted.

General Voll tried to press on the button but it wouldn't budge. He frowned and pressed harder but the button felt like it was frozen in place. 

Buffy smiled and crossed her arms, taking a few steps ahead. "It's just us, General. Better play nice 'cause you don't wanna mess with us."

General Voll let out a laugh. "Are you threatening me? Did you forget that I'm stronger than you now, tiny girl?"

"Not me." Willow flew directly toward him and grabbed him by the neck, her eyes going coal black. "Now, you listen to me. Get the scythe out or…" she let the sentence hang. 

"Nothing you do will make me talk. I'm a military man. I don't crack easily under torture." He challenged Willow with a hard stare. 

Buffy could feel shudders going down her spine at the sight of Willow going dark all of a sudden. She hadn’t expected to see her like this again. Forcing her anxiety and discomfort to wane, she tried convincing herself that Willow knew what she was doing, that she wouldn't lose control. 

"I hate asking for the second time, but I'm giving you a chance," Willow said, her fingers tightening their hold on General Voll's neck, "Where's the scythe?" 

"You don't scare me," he sneered, standing his ground. 

Willow took a step back, releasing his neck, and observed him silently. "A man who doesn't crack under torture. We've got different types of torture, and I'm guessing physical torture is useless." She smirked. "Let's see if you can handle humiliation."

With a flicker of her eyes, General Voll's clothes were ripped off his body. 

"Willow," Buffy exclaimed with shock and revulsion, tempted to look away, but her gaze caught a symbol on General Voll's chest. It looked like a star and sunset. 

General Voll, who appeared unaffected by being stripped naked in front of two strange women, noticed Buffy's gaze. "Twilight is coming for you," he addressed Buffy, "to stop this nonsense." He gave Willow a challenging stare. "It all ends soon."

"Twilight?" Buffy repeated with a frown. "What's…" 

Her question was lost by the fireball Willow shot at General Voll. He snapped back, banging his head against the machine before falling to the floor, blood streaming from his forehead and mouth. He glanced at Buffy, forming a scary smile with his bloody teeth. "See? That's what I was talking about."

"Willow!" Buffy glared at her friend. "Stop it right now."

Willow wasn't listening to her. She grabbed General Voll's neck again, raising him up to his feet. "Where is it?" she demanded, and for some strange reason it didn't sound like Willow's voice at all. 

General Voll didn't say a word, forcing a mocking expression on his face, unwilling to show weakness. 

Buffy took a few steps ahead, about to stop Willow before she did more damage. "Look, Will, let me take it from…"

Shooting another fireball, Willow sent General Voll flying to the other side of the room, and this time the smack was too strong. He lost consciousness. 

"Oh God," Buffy gasped, running toward his naked body. She held his wrist, checking for a pulse, and felt relieved when she caught him breathing. 

"I can feel it, Buffy."

Buffy looked over her shoulder and saw Willow floating with her eyes closed, her green dress ruffled in the air. Buffy stood up, staring at Willow as if seeing her for the first time. Her appearance was different; her hair was shorter, her dress reminded her of hippies, and her attitude was nothing like the last time she had seen her. Willow had been so scared to use her powers after the mess she had done last time she'd lost control. She'd been so cautious about the spells she chose to use and the amount of magic she released.

The woman before her, though, appeared more confident and forward with her power. She made Buffy's heart skip a beat. 

Suddenly, Willow snapped her black eyes open, gazing straight at one of the metal closets, then sent a fireball that cracked its door open. The scythe was hanging inside. 

Willow looked with triumph at Buffy. Her smile died when she noticed Buffy's troubled expression. "It'll fade," she assured, talking about the dark energy surrounding her. "He just really pissed me off."

"He pissed you off and you strip him streak naked?" Buffy couldn't help the rise of her voice. Her angry tone stemmed from confusion and fear at the idea of Willow reverting to darkness again. 

"What are you talking about?" Willow asked, confused.

"You acted on your own, Will. I asked you to let me handle it, but you ignored me."

Willow blinked, still looking perplexed. "I didn't hear you."

"Probably because of the whole black thing you got going on," Buffy exclaimed, now shaking with anger, fear, and disappointment. She thought they were past this by now, that Willow was back to being Willow. She wasn't ready to deal with that whole mess all over again. She'd had enough of her past rearing its ugly face at her. Sunnydale was gone, and so should be Wicked Witch Willow, Warren, and Amy. 

Willow appeared upset, her eyes gradually dissolving into their natural color. She looked at General Voll and her eyes went wide with shock. Her mouth hung slightly and her lips trembled. 

Buffy wasn't sure what to make of this, was Willow unaware of her actions? "You could've done a truth spell on him. You didn't have to resort to violence."

Willow's eyes were still on General Voll, still looking stunned. "Is he…?"

"He's alive. Willow, what just happened here?" 

Willow shook her head, snapping out of her shock and walked to the broken closet, taking the scythe. Exasperation rose inside Buffy in waves when she remembered that General Voll was giving her information about an upcoming danger; Twilight. Thanks to Willow, she didn't even know what the hell it was. Person? Demon? Thing? Her frustration must be evident, because Willow lowered her gaze as she handed her the scythe. 

Buffy's lips were set in a firm, thin line. She stared at the weapon and held it tightly with her fists. It still shined under her hold. The excitement to have her powers back wasn't as high as she'd expected. She started thinking about the other option. If she remained a normal woman, no one would hold it against her if she quit and pursued an ordinary, healthy life. One where she put her daughter first; no one would say anything to that. 

Her grip tightened even more on the scythe. She returned it to Willow. "Make me a Slayer," she ordered. 

Willow took the scythe and nodded. 

Buffy stood back and waited, forcing in a defeated sigh. She couldn't walk away from the power. No matter how much she longed to connect with humanity, to throw away the burden and responsibilities, to go dancing in Italy, to do whatever she wanted; her heart wouldn't allow her that. She'd beat herself over it and live with guilt for the rest of her life. After being abandoned by many, she should know better than to do it to her Slayers, who loved and trusted her with their lives. 

Willow held the scythe in parallel with her closed eyes, then muttered a few soft words. Suddenly, Buffy felt energy rush inside of her, going from her feet to her head. Empowered, she could feel her strong fist, ready to smash the wall before her. 

She was back. 

"That's it?" She grinned at Willow with amusement. "It was a big deal last time you made Slayers."

Willow shrugged, giving Buffy her scythe back. "I grew stronger this past year." She turned her back to Buffy and started drawing circles in the air. 

"I can see that." Buffy locked her fingers on the scythe, holding it tight. "How did that happen? And where have you been? And where's Kennedy?"

Willow looked at her over her shoulder with a strange smile on her face. "Wouldn't you rather go home first?" A small blue portal started to form in the air where Willow was drawing circles. 

Buffy wanted to protest and demand an explanation from Willow; the way she healed her completely damaged face in seconds, the White Witch attitude, the mysterious air surrounding her. However, as the portal grew wider, her heart ached for Andrea, Xander, her Slayers, and her castle. Home was where she desperately wanted to go right now.

On cue, Spike and all the other Slayers appeared in the room. Her eyes instantly locked with Spike's. Yes, home was where she desperately wanted to go.

~*~*~*~

Buffy couldn't help the wide smile on her lips the instant she saw Xander pushing Slayers out of his way and racing towards her. She threw herself into his arms, and he tightened his hold around her enough to feel his happiness and relief that she was alive. 

"So, you came to the rescue, Michelangelo." She drew back, looking at his confused expression. 

A flicker of a smile passed across her face when his eyebrows shot up with realization. He grinned. "Cowabunga." 

She chuckled.

A hand brushed against her arm. She turned around and was face to face with Dawn. They jumped into a hug instinctively, each one burying her face in the other's shoulder. The tighter Dawn embraced her, the bigger Buffy's smile got. 

"So how'd you get out?" Dawn mumbled to her hair.

"Leave her alone, Dawn. She's obviously dead on her feet," Xander said.

"But…"

"Whatever they did, it isn't gonna be _Prison Break_." 

Buffy felt her heartbeat relaxing at their usual banter. It was nice to feel comfortable and safe after the last few days. She couldn't wait to take a shower and get out of the washed-out material. She wasn't sure if she'd wear a hospital gown ever again. 

Xander's loud happy gasp didn't startle her from the firm hold she had on Dawn. "Willow!" he hollered.

Dawn pushed her away and jumped after Xander to hug a grinning Willow. 

Buffy stared at the happy reunion for a mere second before she was attacked by another bear hug. She blinked with shock when meeting Satsu's tearful eyes. No words were exchanged, but the sisterly connection passing through them warmed Buffy's heart, and she let out a soft smile.

Satsu parted from her and went to hug Rowena. "I'm glad you're back," she mumbled before drawing back and looking at Rowena's dirty appearance. "How has it been?" she asked with a frown.

"Not very vell," Rowena replied in her thick German accent. 

Satsu felt Rowena's oiled longish hair. "Obviously." 

Buffy looked around, searching for Andrea through the happy crowd. Her eyes landed on Spike who was standing alone in the corner, looking at the hugging fest with detachment. Buffy made one step towards him when Andrea was in her vision all of a sudden.

Renée's voice reached her. "Looking for her?"

Buffy took her daughter and cuddled her into her chest. She breathed in the scent of baby lotion and brushed her cheek on Andrea's soft black hairs. Tears started to form in her eyes, and for once she didn’t care if anyone caught her appearing vulnerable and emotional. She rubbed her wet cheeks against Andrea's, and then caught Spike's gaze on her. He had a tender smile on his lips at her display of emotion. Blood rushed to her cheeks; she felt overwhelmed to see how much love and passion there was in his eyes.

She was taken aback by a couple of arms going around her and Andrea, pulling them against a hard chest. She cast Xander a self-conscious smile before glancing at Spike, who looked away. Buffy bit her lip but stayed in Xander's embrace. 

Willow approached them, looking somewhat bewildered. "That's a weird picture."

Xander loosened his hug on Buffy and they shared awkward glances.

Willow looked between the two of them. "Are you two together?"

"What? No!" Buffy exclaimed louder than she should. Willow frowned at her first and then at Xander, her expression softening into a concern. Buffy glanced at Xander and caught the sting before he replaced it with a forced smile. 

A pang of guilt went through Buffy's chest and she turned her gaze to Spike who was eying them with interest.

"We were drunk. We had unprotected sex. We decided to raise our daughter together while maintaining our platonic relationship," Xander said tightly, head downcast and hands stuffed in his pockets. Buffy bit her lip uncomfortably, hating how this whole conversation was hurting him. 

"There's a reason why girls tell the stories," Willow joked to lighten the mood.

Xander smiled a little. "Andrew would be offended." 

"Funnily enough," Buffy chimed, feeling a little relieved that the air took a lighthearted turn. "Andrew plays a big role in how this whole thing happened."

"Guess I'm gonna hear Buffy's version of the story later." Willow grinned cheerfully, and then her gaze went to Andrea. Tenderness and warmth flickered in Willow's eyes, and she held out her hands. "Can I hold her?"

Buffy handed her Andrea, and she settled gently in Willow's arms. The way Willow held her so carefully, and the way she gazed at her with love, all made Buffy's stomach flutter with happiness. Willow stroked Andrea's soft, black hair, her warm smile not wavering. Andrea opened her eyes, awakened by the gentle caress. 

"Wow, Buffy, she has your eyes," Willow whispered, her voice thick with emotion. 

A smile curled up Buffy's lips, and she remembered when she heard that comment for the first time. She looked at Spike, whose eyes never left her, still filled with passion and love. 

"And those are the little version of Xander's lips, and I do know Xander's lips well." Willow laughed humorously. 

"Actually, they got coarse over the years," Xander said, touching his smooth lips.

Willow nodded pretending to be impressed. "Very manly."

Xander smiled, running a hand over his hair when his eye caught someone among the gaggle of Slayers. He touched Buffy's arm. "Is that our Saudi friend?" He gestured at Reem standing alone between the crowd, looking lost and weirded out. 

Buffy nodded.

"Back to business." Xander rubbed his hands together then walked towards Reem, and Buffy followed him.

"Uh… Reem Al Nasser?" Xander asked.

"Yes?" Reem answered, her eyes focusing on the eye-patch with wonderment. 

"We talked to Mrs. Al Nasser…" Xander started. 

Renée coughed. "Mrs. Al Malek."

Xander looked shamefaced, biting his lower lip. "Yeah, right. Mrs. Al Malek."

Buffy raised an eyebrow at Xander for an explanation. 

"Well, Muslim women don't take the last name of their husbands after marriage. Never. Ever. Always stick with your last name."

Buffy forced her laugh to remain locked in her throat. Reem's mom must have beaten that information into Xander. 

"What's happening?" Dawn popped out of nowhere and grinned at the gurgling Andrea in Renée's arms.

"Xander doesn't respect Middle Eastern culture," Buffy teased.

Dawn mock frowned. "Bad Xander."

Xander shook his head at them with a bored expression. 

"You talked to my mother?" Reem asked, looking desperate and scared at the same time. Buffy's eyes softened at her with sympathy. She could still remember the few hesitant tries before she'd pulled her courage and knocked the door to her house. The fear and anxiety exploded inside her the second her mom opened the door only to vanish when she'd been drawn into a tight embrace. 

"Yes, we did. We sent one of the Slayers there to keep your parents posted and we promised that we'll tell them once we find you," Xander said. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. She tensed, but he kept his hand there. "Do you want to be found?"

Reem nodded quickly. "I do, please."

"Alright-y." Xander brought out his cell phone and dialed the Slayer's number. He rolled his eye when the line was busy. He dialed again but it was still busy. Crossing his arms, he huffed in irritation. "Guess we have to wait." 

Buffy looked at Dawn, about to comment, but stopped short when she noticed Dawn smiling at Spike and mouthing a 'Thank you' to him. He smiled back and nodded.

Xander dialed the Slayer's number for the third time, and the result was the same. "Damn it, Judy," he yelled at his cell phone. Reem jumped slightly at his yell, and he gave her an awkward, comforting grin. 

As Xander cursed his damn luck and waited for Judy to hang up in order to pick up, Buffy looked mischievously at Dawn. "You were smiling at Spike," she said.

"What?" Dawn acted like she didn't hear her. 

"I saw you."

Dawn shrugged and pretended to be interested in Leah and Rowena's reunion. "Well, he saved your life."

Buffy smirked. "I bet you were the one who called him."

"Actually, I went to him. Spike doesn't have a cell phone." Dawn looked at Buffy again. "Xander asked me to go." 

Buffy blinked at Xander with shock, but he was busy cursing at his cell phone to notice. 

"We worked together and then things got… better, in a way," Dawn said. "What I'm saying is, if you invite me to come over and he'd be around, I won't say no." She smiled at Buffy, and Buffy returned it. Dawn and Spike's more or less reconciliation was good news to hear. 

"Finally," Xander muttered. A few seconds and Judy answered. "Hey, Judy, where are you?" His expression changed from annoyed to pleased. "Good. Listen, put Mrs. Al Malek on screen; we found the daughter." He rolled his eye. "Yeah, seriously, Judy, just put her on."

Everybody's eyes went to the screen that flashed white before a woman appeared. The woman looked dignified and strong, her features were sharply angled and the black Louis Vuitton veil she was wearing gave her an elegant appearance. Buffy would have felt uncomfortable in the presence of such a woman, if it wasn't for the relieved expression Mrs. Al Malek had and the way her eyes became glassy all of a sudden. She said a few unrecognizable words in Arabic and tried hard not to break down.

Reem moved closer to the screen. " _Yumma_?" her voice wavered. " _Yumma, sa… samhini…_ " Reem couldn't say another word, probably because of a distinctive lump in her throat. 

Tears slid down Mrs. Al Malek's cheeks as she cried some words in Arabic. Her words made Reem break down uncontrollably. Buffy wiped her own tears with her fingers before they slipped on her cheeks and turned around, uneasy. She froze in her place when she caught Xander leading Spike out of the room.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

** Chapter Twenty-Two: **

The second Xander and Spike disappeared out of Central Command, Buffy found herself padding after them. The hall appeared empty and soundless; they couldn't have gone too far- they'd just left. Xander couldn't be throwing Spike out now, could he? She shivered slightly in her light hospital gown, taken aback by how cold it was, which shouldn't surprise her. Her castle had always been cold. She'd gotten used to the hot cell where she'd hold her hair up willing some air to her sweating neck and wishing for a rubber band. 

Suddenly, she heard Xander's voice talking to Spike in the next room. She peered from the slightly ajar door into the room and found Xander standing in the middle. Spike was giving him his back, his neck was tilted to the side where both of his hands were holding something to his face; he was lighting a cigarette. She clutched the door tighter and wondered why these two were in the same room together. What did Xander want to say to Spike? 

Spike blew smoke in the air before turning around to face Xander, ridicule so clear in his eyes. "Haven't you considered a glass eye like normal folks?" he asked, putting the cigarette to the side of his mouth. 

"The day you consider looking your age," Xander shot back levelly. 

Buffy held back a groan. Those two would never change. Spike's eyes gleamed at Xander's comeback. Unlike her, he seemed to be enjoying the exchange of insults. 

"Haven't got all day. Chit I want is finally in my hands, time to arrange a flight to LA. So on with it," Spike said through the cigarette in his mouth that went up and down. 

"Right." Xander stuffed his hand in his pocket and brought out a pack of money. 

Spike's narrowed his eyes at it. "Where did you get that?"

Xander scoffed. "Like I'd tell you about the secret hiding place."

Spike's mouth dropped open slightly, his cigarette tilting downward. "Secret hiding place?" 

Xander shrugged. "We live in a castle. It's a given." He rubbed his temple. "I know. Kinda lame. I've wanted a Money Bin, but we don't have enough money to dive in." He extended his hand towards Spike, offering him the cash.

Spike shook his head with disgust. "I'm not taking stolen money."

Xander's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "Whoa, how do you know about that?"

Spike dropped his cigarette to the ground and squished out the fading light with his boot. "I helped get Buffy back because I wanted to. Keep your filthy dosh stocked. I've got a flight to catch." Spike strode to the door, and Buffy instantly glued herself to the wall behind the door.

"So, now you're leaving?" Xander's voice reached her ears, loud and hard. 

Buffy held her breath as she heard Spike reply, "Sorry to disappoint you so."

"What about Buffy?"

She bit her lip, deciding to peek again. She peered at the inside. Now Spike was giving her his back, and Xander was staring him down; the money pack was no longer in his hand. 

"Doesn't concern you." Spike already lit another cigarette, bringing it to his lips, and inhaling. He held the cigarette away from his mouth and blew clouds of smoke in the air. "'Sides, why talk it with you knowing how blinkered of a bloke you are?" He leaned a little, blocking Xander's face from her view. 

"She loves you," Xander said softly. Buffy's bare feet rubbed each other, not just to seek heat, but out of anxiousness as well. She tried to sense the way he said it - was he disappointed or jealous or just plain sad? His voice was so low she couldn't figure out the tone.

"She does, doesn't she?" Spike whispered indecorously. 

"You weren't here, Spike, but I was." Spike kept his cigarette away from his mouth and crossed one arm around his chest, probably casting Xander one of his bored looks. She knew how tired he was from hearing that he wasn't _here_. "I was there through every sob, every drink, every gaze that wandered aimlessly in the room. I saw Buffy grieve like I never did before. She loves you," he stressed. 

Buffy swallowed a lump throughout Xander's speech. She never thought she'd hear him say that to Spike. Something tight swelled in her chest when she realized that once again she'd been unfair to him due to false anticipation. 

"And you love her," Spike said pointedly. 

Xander winced. There was an indignant level to his posture. "I don't. At least not in the way you're implying."

Spike scoffed. "Please."

"I don't," Xander insisted. "And even if I did, it won't matter." 

Spike threw his cigarette butt to the floor, put out his foot and grinded it out. "Why not?

"You're here."

Buffy wished she could see Spike's expression. Her fingers tightened their hold on the door with frustration. 

"Take it from someone who hated your guts, Spike. Buffy loves you." Xander approached Spike but didn't stand quite near him. "And I think you still love her, too."

Spike looked away from Xander. Buffy could see the side of his face clearly; a tiny smile formed on his lips. "How could you tell?" 

"You haven't left Edinburgh." Making his point clear, Xander walked around Spike and headed for the door. Buffy hid behind it again.

There was a heavy silence and no more words were exchanged. Buffy willed her ears to listen to any movement, any whisper, but her raging heartbeat was all she could hear. Her heart twisted painfully with guilt when Xander left the room, shoulders slumped dejectedly. She watched him walk away, pieces of her heart falling with each step he took. 

"You know," Spike's voice startled her once Xander vanished from her sight. "It's not polite to eavesdrop on adult conversations."

She tilted her head, casting him an uninterested stare. 

He leaned back against the door frame and smugly waited for her to talk. He would wait forever because while the Buffy he knew talked to him sometimes, this Buffy lost her ability to say a letter. She guessed he figured that out because his lips twitched. 

"You're cold."

She trembled more at his comment, but her face was rigidly solid. "I'm fine."

"You're stubborn."

"I'm not wearing your coat."

He pursed his lips in a thin line. "Suit yourself." 

She fought the urge not to rub on her freezing arms, forcing her shaking body to remain calm. 

"Those were some pricks you're fighting, eh?" 

"We don't want to fight them," she said tiredly. It was bad enough having demons and all forces of evil after her and her own, now they had to deal with humans wanting them dead, too? 

He nodded, his gaze dropping to the floor. It was getting so uncomfortable that she wanted to excuse herself to check on Reem –and change into something warm. But then Spike looked up at her again. She gazed desperately into his eyes, wanting something, knowing that he was the only one who could give it to her. He always did. Now he was barely trying. 

"I hate this," she said, shoulders heaving with defeat.

"Hmmm?"

"I hate how far we've grown apart."

Spike let out a sigh, reaching into his pockets and cursing when he found his pack of cigarettes empty. "That's life. People spend years, centuries, even months apart… they come back different." He tossed the empty packet away and ran an exasperated hand over his head. 

"Especially from dead," she said with a knowing smile.

He smiled back. "Especially." The corners of his lips dropped a bit. "I hate this, too."

Her heart throbbed a little and desperation ran through her in waves. "What was it like? Being back from dead?" She was glad her voice sounded calm and normal, not as interested and eager as she felt.

Spike shrugged, hands in pockets, eyes glazing over then directing themselves toward the floor. "Bloody awful at first, but then it got all right."

Buffy lowered her gaze to his boots as well. "I could've helped you through it. After all, I've been there." With a slight headshake, she looked up at his downcast face. "And, this is not me accusing you of not calling me… I'm just… I wish I was there for you, you know."

Their eyes met, her pulse quickening as she caught the passion and longing that had been missing in the past few months. Her heart skipped a beat when his lips curled into that familiar soft smile. "I know."

She swallowed hard, feeling her cheeks heating; her eyes focused on him entirely. 

"When I said I loved all of you, that night, that I've seen the worst of you and still love you," he said in a low voice. "It still applies."

Buffy's throat closed over any response she could have made.

"I was shocked at first." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I remembered when I offered to get you money, when you were working at that cow fast food restaurant. You rejected my offer because you knew I'd steal it." He inclined his head, lips pursed a little, then looked at her again. "I was struck by how much you changed. Then I got to stay here for a while and I was able to see why you did it."

Her eyes burned as her heart beat faster with each word he said; each understanding phrase made an unbound strain of relief wind through her body.

"They look up to you, every single one of them. They respect you; expect you to have all the answers, to lead them, to protect them. Yet you don't give up." Anguish flared briefly in his gaze. "That's one strong woman I admire. One I want to be like."

The masked pained expression startled Buffy for a second, but she figured she could ask him about it later. "You wanna be a woman?" she joked to lighten the mood instead.

"Only you," he chuckled. "Someone who doesn't crack under all that pressure."

"Really?" Her chest tightened, and she felt angry all of a sudden. "You think I got it all sorted out, Spike. I don't. I'm as lost as a pop star going for the reality show hype as a last resort."

An expression of confusion wisped across Spike's face at her outburst; it melted down into a realization that made Buffy feel a huge lump in her throat. "I've spent this whole year trying to figure out who should I be. Should I be a mother? A girlfriend? The Slayer? I was so confused, I kept stumbling alone. Couldn't talk about it with anyone, ‘cause I was so scared to hurt their feelings."

Her eyes were glistening at the edges and before he could say a word, she went on,   
"You were my biggest obstacle, Spike. I couldn't figure you out. I was scared of how…" she trailed off, too ashamed to admit it.

"Of how independent I got?"

She glanced away, meeting his eyes for a moment before looking away once more.

"I'm sorry you don’t like the man I became."

"I didn't say that," she said defensively, still unable to look at him. "I'm just… I'm not used to you… like this." She scrunched her eyes shut, cursing inwardly, and then looked at him. "I wish I could say something better. I know how stupid and selfish I sound, but, for the first time in awhile, I'm glad to say how I really feel." 

"Go on then."

She frowned. "What?"

"Go on. Speak. Let it out… tell me how you feel."

She stared at his face, speechless, before heaving a weary sigh. She turned her attention to the brick wall. How much she wanted to be one, how much it damaged her when she tried. She was as hard on the outside, but the inside would crumble a little with each passing day until there would be nothing left. She was aware of how much of herself she was sacrificing for… for all of this. 

"How do you feel about leading so many Slayers?"

Her heart twisted, she squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't…"

"Tell me," he said, voice rough with emotion. 

She opened her eyes, looking right at the brick wall, slightly creasing her eyebrows together and forming her lips in a thin line. "Burdened. Scared. Disconnected." Confessions went out with an effort; she felt exhaustion taking over as she pushed the words out. "It was all much easier when we were all back in Sunnydale. I wish we could go back to those days. I wish it was like old times." 

"You used to feel the same way before," he said. "But you've always managed to get the job done."

"I know I can get the job done." Her arms wrapped themselves around her mechanically. "I'm just tired of being alone."

"You're not alone."

She let a bitter laugh; the brick wall disappearing through the fog of her tears. "I am. Always am. Leading those girls…"

"I know, Buffy." She returned her gaze to him at last, surprised to see pain and understanding in his features. 

"It's just…" she swallowed thickly. "Nothing is the same. Every single one of them… different."

"You've changed the world and along with that everybody else had to. I did and so did your friends." He shook his head, a small but implacable refute. "Just stop living in Sunnydale."

"I'm not," her voice shook along with her body. Her feet rubbed against each other again. "You know, I kept comparing this to the past, how different everything is. I longed to get back to those days. Not anymore, though."

"Yeah?"

"It only took a trip home to realize I'm done with it. Time to move on." Her hands rubbed madly on her arms; if she didn't change clothes now, she'd freeze to death. 

"Move on, eh?" The forced smile on his lips couldn't hide the melancholy clouding his face. It confused her as much as it annoyed her, what did Spike want? He'd obviously moved on. He obviously wanted nothing to do with her anymore. He was part of Angel's crew now, he made it very clear which team he was working for. 

Suddenly, she stopped shivering as her body started vibrating with anger. She gave one lengthy gaze before she made her way back to Central Command. 

"Buffy? Did I say something?" 

She kept walking, but answered in a firm voice, "I already made up my mind, Spike. The ball is in your court now."

If he responded to that, she didn't hear him. She was halfway through the mass of squealing, gleeful Slayers heading towards Andrea, determined not to look back. 

She took her from Willow's arms gently and smiled down at her blinking face. "I already made up my mind," she whispered and planted a tender kiss on Andrea's forehead.


	23. Chapter 23

** Chapter Twenty-Three: **

Buffy let out a happy sigh, exiting the shower and heading for her bathrobe and towels. She gazed at the foggy mirror with satisfaction, not bothering to wipe it to check out Clean Buffy. Tying her bathrobe belt, she walked out of the damp bathroom to be greeted by a grinning Xander.

"Thank God you finally came out. I was waiting for FP-SM to knock on our door asking if one of our pipes burst," he quipped.

"That's so funny," Buffy said sarcastically, rubbing her head with a towel.

"But of course I had two hours and fourteen minutes to think about it." Xander held up his wrist and pointed at his watch.

"Hahaha." Buffy went with sarcastic again, focusing on drying her wet hair. Then, rapidly, she checked the clock on the wall. "Oh."

Suddenly, someone was knocking on their door. Buffy and Xander jumped together and looked warily at it. 

"Guys, it's me!" Willow's muffled voice could be heard from outside. Buffy shook her head at herself and opened the door for Willow, who trotted in happily. She looked between Xander and Buffy in astonishment when witnessing the funny stares. "Someone died?" she asked, worried. 

Buffy felt blood rushing to her cheeks. "No, we thought you were the water ministry," she mumbled bashfully and threw the wet towel on the couch.

"Why?"

"'Cause someone took all her week showers in one." Xander looked pointedly at Buffy. She glared at him. 

"Aww, be nice to Buffy. She went through a lot."

Buffy twisted her wet hair into a ball and fastened it with a black clip. "Just be glad you didn't go through that effin' experience." 

"Effin', huh? Starting to sound like him again?" he joked lightly. 

Buffy didn't smile.

"Say, where's little Andrea?" Willow asked nervously; she probably anticipated a fight and didn't want to be caught in the old Buffy-Xander arguments over Buffy's choices in men. 

"She's at Renée's apartment," Xander replied. 

"And that would be…" Willow asked.

"Two apartments to the right."

"Great. Thanks. Bye," she quickly said, heading to the still opened door.

"Willow, you just arrived," Buffy called after her. "It's a long way from the castle. Don't you want something to drink?"

Willow waved her suggestion away. "Nah. It's cool. I flew here."

"All the way from there?" Buffy asked, blinking. 

"Guys, it's not like I haven't done it before," Willow scoffed. 

"But that's such a long distance," Xander pointed out.

"What was hard back then is nothing now." Before any questions were asked, Willow closed the door behind her quickly.

"Why doesn't she want to talk about it?" Xander asked with a narrowed eye.

Buffy also wondered about the real reason behind Willow's disappearance. It wouldn't have interested her as much if it wasn't for Willow's constant avoidance whenever they brought up the subject. 

She looked at Xander and felt a rush of weariness all over her body. Right now she had other things to worry about. Like a much-needed conversation with her nice but grumpy roommate. "So, how did you know about Spike?" she asked casually, flinging herself to the sofa next to him.

"Before you were kidnapped actually," Xander replied, bringing the rim of the soda bottle to his lips. 

"Yeah, Dawn told me. That's why I asked 'how' and not 'when'."

Xander took a long swallow of his soda and Buffy fought the urge to snatch it from his hand. Thankfully, he placed the bottle on the table before that happened. "I noticed how you spent more time outside than home, and knew it wasn't about Miss Arabia. So I followed you…"

"You followed me?" she interrupted angrily.

"I just wanted to know what was keeping you away. If it was a demon, I'd help." Xander held up a straight face. Buffy looked at him, not convinced. Eventually, Xander hung his head in shame. "Actually, for some reason I knew it was Spike before I saw you with him, even though he was supposedly dead."

"You figured all that out?" Buffy asked suspiciously. 

He gave a broad smile. "Didn't lose my eye for nothing, did I?"

She wished he hadn't said that, because the feeling of guilt over her failure never seemed to ease over the years. Xander didn't appear to catch her remorseful expression. 

"Now I get that you didn't tell me because you thought I was going to get pissy and shouty and all kinds of things that makes Xander Harris the biggest ass in the universe." 

Buffy smiled uncontrollably. 

"But wait," Xander popped. His finger tapped at his chin as he wore a thoughtful expression. "I remember this good-looking fellow with my name, looks like me, talks like me, and acts like me. He was the only one who took you into his muscular arms when you were grieving so hard for a certain blond vampire." Buffy felt herself blushing again, especially when he looked at her and shook his shoulders. "Isn't it strange that he’ll get pissy with you once a certain blond vampire's back? Unless that guy who was there for you was another Xander." He tapped his head now, still looking thoughtful. "Which is out, 'cause the effects of that Toth stick ended back when we were teenagers." 

Buffy gave a lopsided smile. "Teenagers?"

"There's a teen in nineteen, isn't there?" Xander pointed with a finger. "Besides, I've always prided myself for leaving the nest before turning twenty." He smiled with affection at her. "Point is, Buff, if you wanna be with Spike, you had my blessing long before Sunnydale became a giant hole."

Buffy couldn't bring herself to return his smile. After hearing Xander's conversation with Spike, it was apparent how much it was killing him that Buffy loved someone else. However, right now he was stepping aside, despite his feelings for her. He wanted to move on and let her be happy with whomever she wanted. 

She placed a hand on his thigh. "One day, Xander, a woman will love you just like you deserve."

"One day." Xander grinned. "But right now, I'm saving all my love for one girl." Buffy was able to smile at this moment, because she knew he wasn't talking about her. His expression was genuine and happy. 

"Sometimes, I think," Xander said softly, looking down at Buffy's hand on his thigh, "The way you and I connect with Andy, how much we changed, how responsible. And then I think of Anya. I could've had this with Anya." 

Buffy's hand left his thigh and started rubbing his shoulder. "You know what I think?"

Xander looked at her.

"I think we should let go of the past. Live for the future."

Xander gave a side smile. "Are you suggesting I get rid of the duffle bag?" 

"You get rid of yours, and I'll get rid of mine."

~*~*~*~

"So, you're leaving," Buffy said to Spike as they both sat on the sofa of his ancient Scottish room. He couldn't keep up paying the Bow Bar for his stay, so he'd moved into the castle while Buffy was still hostage after a request from Dawn. The room was too bland for an old Victorian-styled room. The fact that Spike hadn't put his crypt touch in it made it obvious that his stay would be temporary, too temporary. 

She lightly touched Reem's passport that rested on her lap. Spike and Reem would go back to LA on one of Buffy's helicopters accompanied by two of Buffy's Slayers tomorrow. Reem wasn't interested in staying and dedicating her life to saving the world; it was too much to take for the Saudi society. Plus, she had this big ambition she wanted to accomplish. So, she was leaving for good. One more glance at the bland room, Buffy figured the same was applying to Spike as well.

Spike blew smoke from his cigarette. "Someone's gotta get this bitch to Angel." He looked at her with a small smile. 

She nodded and they stared at each other. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be separated from him again. How would her life have been if she hadn't let him burn? On top of her head, she knew she probably wouldn't have Andrea in her life. She couldn't picture her life without her. Andrea, just like Dawn, was such a huge part of Buffy that no matter what happened, she could not sacrifice her. 

Her train of thought was interrupted when Spike broke the eye contact. She blinked a little and looked down at the passport.

"So…"

"Buffy…"

Both of them stopped short when the other spoke. Spike smiled politely, gesturing for her to speak first. Buffy shook her head and nodded to him to do so. No one talked, though; instead they just stared intensely at each other. It felt like ages since she looked right into his blue eyes, so close yet so far. She caught herself before swallowing any forming saliva, not wanting to show how nervous and aching she was. She yearned for the connection they had years ago, when he was the only one who understood her, the only one she could trust and never hold back with, that deep connection that pulled them together.

Her heart swelled with genuine surprise while her eyes widened little by little the second Spike leaned closer. She gripped hard on the passport in her lap in anticipation and fear. Spike's lips hovered over her lips, and Buffy's breath was caught in the moment. Then there they were. A set of cold lips brushed against hers; her heart beat in her ears. The unfamiliar gentle nibbling on her lips left her on edge, unsure what her next move should be. Her heart thudded hard when his tongue tickled her lips with tentative touches, so afraid to make a slip and ruin everything. 

She captured his lips with her own, kissing back. Her eyelids slid down as she breathed him in, taken by the smell of cigarette and leather –so familiar, so good. His lips parted, inviting her tongue in, and then she started stroking his tongue with hers. She sucked deep on his tongue, tilting her head slightly, her nose brushing against his. She lost herself in the kiss, moaning low in her throat when he took the lead. The slight brush on his shoulder broke the magic; it was when she realized that only their mouths and noses touched, but their bodies stayed apart. 

She panted into his face, eyes locked in his. "If we," she started between deep breaths, "if we meet again, what… what would happen?"

Spike gazed at the passport in her lap. "Maybe stop lying to each other?" he said before arching an eyebrow at her. 

"Also stop hiding things from each other?" she replied with a squinted eyebrow of her own. 

His smile deepened and he leaned again for another kiss. She met him half way with an aggressive one, her fingers digging into the passport. She delved inside with force and pictured herself swallowing Spike's face, but that didn't stop her. She ran her tongue as far inside his mouth as possible, breathing heavily through her nose. She couldn't help it any longer, and then she heard the thud of the passport hitting the floor. Her hands cupped his face, thumbs pressing on his cheekbones. She pulled him to her desperately, a mixture of emotions swirling inside of her, so close to the surface. 

With no control of herself, she jerked back and inhaled strongly. Her eyes caught the way Spike's tongue licked his wet lips. She was too focused on how to kiss him that she didn't pay attention to how he kissed her. She swallowed, almost regretting how she'd been too caught up on sending her message, some of it anyway. She let out as much as she could, so hard to let go completely, and she hoped he understood what she was trying to say with her kiss. One look into his eyes and she knew he got it. All regrets were off.

~*~*~*~

Buffy hugged Reem close to her chest, feeling her hugging back with too much force. They had shared a lot with each other, had been through more than they could handle. Hunger, isolation, stinking clothes and bird-nest hair had made them the friends they were today. Buffy smiled against Reem's blonde hair as memories rushed into her head; she'd never forget that experience.

They broke the embrace and stared into each other's eyes. Each one hoped the best for the other. Buffy hoped that Reem would work things out with her mother and become the doctor she was destined to be. Reem's eyes told her that she hoped Buffy would find the connection she was seeking with her daughter, her friends and her current life. 

"Thank you for everything," Reem whispered with a wavering voice.

"Take care," Buffy said, smiling. 

Reem cast her teary eyes at Spike with a pointed hope-he-gets-it look. Buffy's response was deepening her smile. Their fingers squeezed together before Reem headed to the helicopter. 

Spike stood next to Buffy. "Hope she didn't give me the whammy with her hag-witch eyes," he commented, referring to Reem’s previous pointed look. 

"Be gentle with her," Buffy warned. "I know what she did to Angel was bad, but… she's just a confused teenager."

"They're always confused teenagers," Spike scoffed. "Would it be better if I didn't talk to her?"

"I guess," Buffy replied with a sigh. So here they were. Spike was leaving, again. Maybe forever. This was possibly her last chance standing side by side with him and she wasn't even looking at him. She glanced at him and found him gazing at her. He was probably waiting for his goodbye hug. 

Instead of hugging him, Buffy turned fully to face him. "Will you come back?" The question was direct and to the point. Just like she wanted. 

Spike shrugged. "Will I be a secret for the third time?" Now he turned to face her. 

"Spike, you gotta learn to have faith in me." Her arms crossed her chest and she gave him a defiant look. "So, will you come back?" 

Spike looked into her eyes for a moment. "Do you trust me?"

"That depends. Do you trust me?"

Spike smirked and let out a small laugh. Their faces were too close to each other while their eyes bored holes into one another's. Buffy felt his cool breath on her warm skin and her heart was beating fast. Spike's eyes never blinked as they gazed at her with so much force and intimacy. Their faces lingered too close, but that was it. Nothing more was going to happen. Their eyes said everything they wanted to say. 

Spike turned around and walked to the helicopter. Buffy watched him get further and further from her. Her throat locked when he stepped into the helicopter. He took a seat next to Reem who waved at Buffy with a grin. Buffy waved back halfheartedly, giving a weak attempt of a smile. 

When Spike's eyes were back on her, Buffy's fingers fluttered in the air and hastily stopped waving. She slowly lowered her hand to her side and returned Spike's stare with a sad one. The helicopter started going up and the eye contact was never interrupted. It seemed like forever before the helicopter heading to its direction tore off the invisible thread between their eyes. As she kept her eyes on the retreating helicopter, she knew Spike had no clue if he was coming back or not, but she trusted him enough to. And she knew he trusted her enough to wait for him.

~*~*~*~

** Epilogue: **

An employer at the Bow Bar cracked a smile when he noticed her standing in front of the pub. Buffy learned to return his smile instead of just dropping her gaze to her feet in embarrassment. She knew that if Spike came back, he'd head straight to her apartment, but she couldn't help it. Every time she was faced with a new obstacle, she would stand in front of the Bow Bar and pretend that Spike was coming out sooner or later. The working staff at the pub were used to her nightly shifts; some took it as sweet, some took it as pathetic, and some verbally showed their irritation at her standing there blocking the way for the customers. Buffy tried her best to stand away from the entrance, but she couldn't give up this habit, not when things were starting to get freakier than usual.

Something was coming; not that it shocked her, she was used to it now after years of fighting those upcoming somethings. Twilight, whatever that was, was definitely bad news. She needed all the information she could get, and only one person could provide the most satisfying amount. 

Her chest swelled painfully as she remembered yesterday's phone call. 

Giles chose Faith over her to do a mission for him. Giles chose Faith over _her_. Period. She knew they still had their differences, that they hadn't really mended their relationship since Sunnydale. Not to where it had been before. But Buffy still included Giles in her adventures. She sent him pictures of the Twilight symbol and warned him about the government's plan to de-power the Slayers and wipe them out. And before all that, she had sent Giles pictures of Andrea, called him to inform him that she had just given birth, that Dawn had gone to college, and that Xander had decided to start fresh as a normal father without being involved in the action. 

After being teleported to her death, all she had wanted was to know what the hell was going on, but Giles didn't want her to be any part of it. He just shut her out. 

And he never visited to meet Andrea. 

She heaved a sigh and turned around to head home. The walk was quite long even when Buffy's brain was juggling many disappointing events together. Worst of all was Spike not being here. They hadn't called each other since his departure a week ago. Xander had comforted her that it was too soon for his return, but Buffy couldn't help the insecurity she felt. She still trusted Spike to come back, but what if Angel had a new shiny mission and needed Spike's assistance? Those two had developed a Blossom/Six friendship lately, so of course Spike would act champion and stay for however long that mission would take. 

Buffy worked her key on the front door to the apartment and lazily pushed it open. The living room was quiet with a dim light left for her once she came back. She headed for her room, dragging her feet.

As she passed Xander's room, she could see through the door Xander and Renée, their lips locked in a kiss, arms wrapped around each other. A small smile formed on Buffy's lips; she'd caught them kissing in the living room yesterday when she'd walked into the apartment. It was only when she'd seen them embracing each other that she'd started to put two and two together. Renée's obsession with everything Xander liked, buying him new additions of watchamacallit comics and watching James Bond movies with him. She'd been attracted to him all along, and now so was Xander. 

Buffy was happy for Xander, and hoped this time it would work for him. It probably would, now that he was leading a normal life. 

Andrea was obviously in her room because the door was left open so that Xander could hear Andrea when she woke up. Buffy shrugged off her coat on the way inside her room and was about to throw it on the bed.

She didn't, though.

Her coat hung from her frozen hand while her eyes struck out at the sight in front of her. Her daughter's crib was next to her bed and a white hand held the edge of the crib, connected to an arm covered with clad black leather. 

Spike turned around and smiled at her.

Her eyes softened and her smile blossomed. She gently closed the door behind her and walked to him. He stood up, hands in pockets, smiling down at her in silence. She drank in his features, looking just like she remembered. There were so many things she wanted to do; hug him, kiss him, hold on to him as tight as possible so he wouldn't go away. 

Instead, she climbed onto the bed and lay down in the middle, patting the spot next to her. He kicked off his boots and crawled to her. She rested her head on his shoulder as he hugged her to him, feeling the warmth she couldn't find with Xander. It was a different type of warmth. The right warmth. 

She wondered, though, if she had the right to feel this happy and content. Spike had been ready for commitment years ago; he was ready to be devoted to her full time. She wasn't. She'd denied her feelings for him and then when he came back with his soul it became too complicated. She loved him, really did, but the thing between her and Spike was very new and there had been the First to deal with. She didn't have the time to process how things were with Spike, where they would go and what he was to her. Spike understood that, apparently. Maybe that was why he didn't tell her he was back, because he wanted her to live her life until she was ready for something serious. Until she was old enough and, well, baked. 

He deserved someone who could fully devote herself to him. Someone who was not her during that time, but was she now ready to get serious with Spike? The strange feeling of concern, that hate she used to have for herself sometimes, for the world and for life itself, always stood in the way. So many days when she had enough of everything and blew all chances she would have with Spike, getting away from him. Then there would come a day when she looked around seeking his shoulder to lay her weary head on and couldn't find him. 

Buffy snuggled closer to him, this time never attempting to let go. She was ready, she knew. She knew it just as they lay side by side. It felt like a dream, a dream that looked so real. She looked up at him and he looked back. She smiled at him and he smiled back. Lowering her gaze, she felt sleep creep over her. But she didn't want to sleep, afraid to close her eyes and then open them to find this being just a dream. She had waited so long. Two years were so long. 

She caught the sight of the duffle bag sitting on the floor by her dresser. She hadn't noticed it when getting in, too shocked by finding Spike sitting on her bed. She smiled and closed her eyelids in contentment. Spike was back and he was going to stay. That blue duffle bag said as much.

 

 

 

Her eyes snapped open at the sound of an electric razor. Xander was probably in the bathroom shaving before going to work. Her breath caught in her throat; quickly she turned to her right. Spike was there, soundlessly asleep. Buffy's heart soared and a smile started to grow until it was a grin. He was here. He was right _here_. He wasn't a dream. Her happy eyes checked the duffle bag that was still next to the dresser. 

She brought her gaze to the ceiling, resting her head back on the pillow to get comfortable. Her breath was even, her body was relaxed, and her emotions were content; she hadn't felt like this in years now. Somehow, it felt weird, and left her tense and uncomfortable. She wasn't used to this feeling; she'd always been on edge, waiting for the next blow, planning the next strategy, leading her Slayers, and thinking of Andrea's future. Her life, filled with worry, was a series of never ending twists and turns, so painful and wearying. She couldn't just rest, there was no such thing as that in her life. She was meant to drown in the pain, believing it was all her future contained. 

Her eyelids slipped shut, and she willed herself into the earlier feeling of relaxation. Spreading her arms, her toes dangling to the sides, she stopped thinking and let herself flow freely into the peaceful silence. 

"You're awake?" 

Buffy opened her eyes and turned her head to face Spike, unable to stop herself from smiling while looking at his half-opened eyelids.

"I am," she whispered, thinking any higher pitch would ruin the serenity surrounding the room. 

He twisted his elbow and used his arm as a pillow, just staring at her. 

"So, you're here," she said. 

"Yeah."

She wasn't sure what to say next, and apparently he wasn't either. There wasn't really that much to say. All she wanted to do was stare at him for hours, making sure that he was really here by her side, and not leaving again. But then she began to ruminate over the million questions running through her head. She wondered about how things were going to go from here, how Spike would fit into her life in Scotland, what role he would play in Andrea's life, and whether he and Xander would learn to get along. 

Suddenly, a small smile played on Spike's lips; he looked so at ease, so glad, so content. She was caught by the twinkle of happiness in his eyes, making her heart thump fast. The questions could be dealt with some other time; right now all she wanted to do was rest. Not think about anything but the fact that Spike was here. All she wanted to do now was stare at his face, drink in his handsome features, and just be _happy_. 

Her fingers fluttered slightly as her hand moved toward his, and then a smile of her own rose to her lips when Spike's hand met hers midway. They clasped their fingers together tightly. Nostalgia flooded her mind, feeling the fire bursting between their hands, and her heartbeat sped up. 

A mixture of emotions simmered in his eyes, his breath ragged. "Say it again," he said in a hoarse voice.

She swallowed low in her throat. "I love you." The whisper slipped out of her mouth easily, all bounds and barriers broken. 

His lips formed a sexy lopsided smile. "Well, who doesn’t?" he said softly, pulling on her hand, bringing her closer. As she shifted closer to him, she couldn't resist anymore. She leaned forward, eyelids falling shut, wanting to capture his lips in a kiss.

She didn't. 

The loud wailing coming from the crib stopped her at once. She let out a laugh at Spike's confused blinking. Pushing herself into sitting position, she nodded at the crib. "Gotta get used to this."

He twisted his lips in displeasure, making her laugh even more. She jumped out of the bed, grinning as she peered at her daughter, whose weeps increased, demanding to be fed and changed. Buffy lifted her up, cradling her in her arms, holding her close to her chest. She brought a finger to the wide-open mouth, and Andrea started sucking on it, her eyes focusing entirely on Buffy. 

She glanced at Spike. The displeasure on his face was replaced with affection, and she bit on her lower lip, overtaken by the same weird feeling. Her stomach fluttered and little glitters of exhilaration were swirling around her. Things were going to be different. The life she had known had taken a new turn, one that made her excited. This was a start of a new chapter in her relationship with Spike; one she'd never considered happening before. 

She smiled again, couldn't stop herself from smiling, and he smiled, too. They might be different people now – strangers - but she didn't mind getting to know him all over again.

**The End**


End file.
